testing

This is just a test to see how the blog posting service functions from Dappad.com.

3 things I wish at this very moment:
- that i could afford to hire a maid, lol (actually, i probably *can* afford to hire a maid – hello christmas present for self?)
- that i could have a blog that was separate from livejournal, but also separate from fandom, but which people could still know was me and was somehow loosely linked to my fandom blog. HMMM. will have to think about that.
- that i had a cat. i could cuddle with it!

Also, right now, it is snowy and lovely outside and if the snow doesn’t melt then it might just be a white christmas. i love living here! – your chances of having a white christmas always increase exponentially.

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The power of waffling.

I‘ve always said, repeatedly ever since I got my lj and started to engage with fandom, that I didn’t want to fragment my life. I don’t want to keep my real life and my fandom life separate; I don’t want to keep my real life friends separate from my online ones. The idea of even attempting to do that is ridiculous, because there’s so much overlap and because I’m so heavily engrained in internet culture as part of what I do actively in real life.

Working at probation was hard for me because I HAD to keep my fandom life out of my real life so I wound up doing things like locking my entire LJ, deleting entries when real life people found them, and signing up for Facebook as a J-pop idol and not myself, haha. It was all very frenetic and stressful.

But now I have a job where my co-workers write Smallville fanfic and call each other Lostheads. So, yeah. I feel free to unseparate everything once again, and it feels great.

Except. Except.

This whole LJ thing.

Ugh, this whole LJ thing. Should I stay or should I go? Should I attempt to turn my livejournal into something that can adapt into this new phase of my life, or should I just start over (the way, for example, Dorrie has so charmingly done, the way I have been trying and awkwardly failing to do here on this blog) and make something completely new?

And if I want to make a blog that is completely new, can I stand to lose that connection that I have had with my LJ community? I mean, the answer is really, really, no. But at the same time, with that sense of connectedness comes a sense of expectation, and I want to break away from that as much as from LJ specifically. But then – what are my options?

Can I have both?

I want both. I want to have LJ and LJ’s community and I want to have a space that feels self-contained, separate, apart, like starting over. Something not particularly tied to fandom, but specifically tied to me.

The tricky part is that I, at this point, can’t and don’t want to extricate myself from fandom. But at the same time, I want a blog that doesn’t come with fandom expectations.

So, to sum up:

1) I want a blog that doesn’t come with fandom expectations.
2) But I don’t want to separate out my life into fandom/real life
3) I want to keep my connections to my LJ friends and my fandom community on LJ
4) But I’m still quite upset and unhappy with the prospect of coming back to LJ itself.

So, yeah. I just don’t know what to do with myselllllf.

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Will someone who speaks Japanese please tell me how to say “Dear Fujiwara Motoo and also Bump of Chicken,

You music has changed my life and made me a better person, I need your beautiful words in my soul forever, and your cover of ‘Hybrid Rainbow’ is the most gorgeous four minutes of anything that has ever existed on the planet.     My favorite thing is to drive out to the lake at night, park on the edge, and listen to your music as I sit and watch the moon and the clouds and the water and think about life.  It is like that. Please please please never stop.

Love,

Aja”

Though I don’t guess I need to know how to say “Aja” in Japanese.

I’m so serious.   I was going to learn how to say “I LOVE YOU” in hiragana, but as its been two months and I still can’t get beyond the difference between ‘ka’ and ‘ga’,  I don’t think I can wait.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.  <3

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Do they make a patch for that?

Me: i’ve had it. i have had it! YOU AND I ARE QUITS, LIVEJOURNAL. I MEAN IT THIS TIME.
LJ: Whatever. Three months and you’ll be crawling back. You always come crawling back.
Me: THAT’S WHAT YOU THINK. SEE THIS? THIS IS THE FLAMING SIGN OF MY COMMITMENT TO JUSTICE!
LJ: …you realise that shirt’s not actually on fire.
Me: OH, SCREW YOU. GOODBYE FOREVER, LJ.
LJ: yeah, yeah, don’t let the new portal blind you on the way out!

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Remember, remember

I have sort of wasted this whole entire day, and I had great plans for great things I was going to do and ways I was going to make today productive and special. Instead I mostly wound up sleeping too much and eating leftover halloween candy, and vainly trying to make edits on a fic that seems to be a deep regression of my writing goals back to the year 2002, and reading Hikaru no Go fic that i’ve already read, because fandom has stalled the fic production liines, to my infinite sadness.

I just reread Mirabella’s 5 Things fic, Issues, and was momentarily struck with the kind of emotional paralysis that comes when you read something truly superbly crafted and put together and well-written – that onslaught of ‘ohmygod, there’s no way i’ll ever be that good, that careful, that polished, that crafted, that good at creating sheer loveliness‘ that I assume is a natural kind of writer’s envy.

Only today, in that moment, I started thinking about how much I wish I could just push that kind of thinking aside and believe in my own ability as much as I have believed in the abilities of everyone around me. That got me started thinking of all the things I want to give myself as a writer and as a human being.

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inching past the edge of reserve

it’s exactly midnight according to my laptop.

my laptop, by the way, has no name.  I temporarily named it Touya but it doesn’t seem to like that.  It honestly feels more like an Ogata. Mylaptop is so needlessly flashy. Such a pimp.

My posts, they are so intelligent.

I have pinched a nerve in my shoulder and for the last 3 days have been walking around like a zombie with one arm stuck out, head frozen rigidly in place.  Just in time for Halloween!

Tell me about your Halloween costumes!

i have not dressed up for Halloween in probably a decade. This makes me sad.  i tried to be a gypsy in the early 2000′s but I could only find one gypsy earring and no gypsy jewelry.  When I was nine my mom made me a She-Ra costume and it was the best costume in the whole wide world ever.  I had a cardboard sword. I rocked.  When I was 13 I tried to go as a mummy to this halloween party I got invited to.  I unraveled. D:  Also the big thing that year was the POGO BALL that year, and everyone else’s costumes allowed them to hop on the POGO BALL successfully.  When I tried it I not only was predestined to failure due to my lolarious lack of coordination technology, but I also had strands of mummy cloth whipping nerdily in the wind.  It was such a bad scene all around.

Tonight, watching House, for the first time in  my life I felt my faith in an OTP waver due to competition. I know this could be because I just had this big discussion with Epon about how polar I am in my choice of OTPS and how I am rigidly unhappy when anything comes between them.  But mostly I think it’s because House/Wilson has been kind of stale, backgroundy, and predictable lately, whereas holy hell, HOUSE/FOREMAN IS REALLY HOT.  Are there interesting, convincing House/Foreman recs out there?  I would love to read them, but I’m so not-in-tune with House fandom I have no idea where I’d look.

In other news, Bones is still awesome. I love that show. Nothing about it has remotely jumped the shark to me, and that says a lot considering Angela’s husband now wants her back, lol.  BUT HOLY CRAP ANGELA IS BI.  I FUCKING CALLED THAT FROM EP ONE.    I love Angela/Hodgins (no K!) so much, though. I shipped her/Brennan in the very beginning of the show but I don’t think any pairing has ever surprised and stolen my heart so completely as Sexy Art Chick/Bug Guy.  Hodgins is so adorably hot and creepy.    I love them. I really just love Bones, something about it makes my heart happy.

I am seriously over Heroes, though.   I’m not watching anything else this season, though after Josie screamed at me to watch last week’s SGA I did and briefly considered marathoning the last season and a half in order to catch up. :/  Should I? So many decisions.

I want the BSG mini-series now.  I want to dig up the will to finish watching Death Note and possibly finish the manga, but I already know that  will never happen.

It’s  12:12 now and i have to sleep soon.   Everyone at work is being so nice about my leaving, and really supportive and encouraging and just generally wonderful.  I am really excited about switching jobs!  Now I will have enough money to actually move into a decent apartment of my own without investing in a townhouse with three other people, haha.    And I can get a cat!!!!  I have waited so long to have the financial stability to own a cat, which is pathetic, but true.   Oh my god I’m totally going to wind up naming my cat Touya, aren’t I.  Oh my god I can get two and name them Touya and Shindou, this is the worst idea ever,  I already can’t stop thinking about it. :/

I miss long Tezuka/Ryoma fic.

I miss my shoulder before it became prey to unceasing muscle twinges. Ow.

I miss being as in love with my own characters as I am other  people’s.

I sort of miss the South.  I definitely miss the ocean.   I miss feeling part of a community.  I miss singing.

I hope I like my job. I hope I can keep up, well, everything I’m doing lately. <3  It’s nice.

I’ve been listening to Amalin’s mix cds lately – the one she made for fall, and the one she made for spring.  The fall one is my favorite and always has been, maybe just because it has “Chocolate” on it.  There’s something about that song – though I’m not a huge Snow Patrol fan, that song just pushes all my hopeful buttons.    There’s something about that whole cd that speaks to me, and sounds a lot like how I imagine Kara’s voice sounds.

She told me once that it doesn’t matter whether you’re 20 or 28 or 58. It takes as long as it takes to figure out how to be happy, how to be the person you want to be.    That has lodged inside of me somewhere.  I think this whole year, post-phoenix rising, because there was something there that week that I think I knew would change me if I let it – and I went there wanting to let it – I have been coming to terms with the fact that I’m ready to be someone else.  I’m ready to change myself.   I am changing myself.  And this is the first time in years that I am standing on the cusp (lol cusp) of Guy Fawkes Day and not freaking out at all the things I’m not doing – all the things I’m not doing and should be, all the ways I’m not who I want to be.  This is the first time maybe since I’ve reached adulthood that I feel like I’m exactly okay with where I am and what I’m doing.  Not because everything’s perfect, but because everything’s in-progress and I want it to be.  Something spinning into control for once, and into my hands.

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Take my evolution.

T

- J-pop. J-pop is like the happiest thing that has ever happened to me. Right now I am listening to “Bokura no Ibasho” by WaT, and it is very nice and happy, and sunny, just like the day outside my lovely long Victorian windows.

- Fall cleaning. So I do it backwards. I can see my floor for the first time in months!

I feel most generally invigorated in fall – like I’m going somewhere. Everything is fresh and alive in fall – it’s the season of change, the season that gets in your nostrils and stings a little, and I love it. Rainy October days when the smell of wet leaves are all around and the chill of the season is in your bones – those are the most compelling days of the year for me.

- Change in general.

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No really, not another post about bump of chicken.

In no particular order, my life since August has consisted of the following things.

1.

As previously mentioned, Sam made me get facebook. It has been an experience. It makes my computer function three times more slowly and makes me spend hours sending my poor blue rabbit Yanagi-chan into coves to fight toxic monsters, where he ultimately loses and I spend the next three days trying to build up enough money to buy myself exotic moccasin socks so I won’t die, which of course means I instantly go into battle and die anyway and have to start all over again. I thought Facebook was about never keeping tabs on all your high school and college friends so you could see what kind of dork lives they’re leading now, but apparently it’s really all about something called Superpoke and letting your friends send you virtual garden gnomes. The internet is so strange.

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