Do they make a patch for that?

Me: i’ve had it. i have had it! YOU AND I ARE QUITS, LIVEJOURNAL. I MEAN IT THIS TIME.
LJ: Whatever. Three months and you’ll be crawling back. You always come crawling back.
Me: THAT’S WHAT YOU THINK. SEE THIS? THIS IS THE FLAMING SIGN OF MY COMMITMENT TO JUSTICE!
LJ: …you realise that shirt’s not actually on fire.
Me: OH, SCREW YOU. GOODBYE FOREVER, LJ.
LJ: yeah, yeah, don’t let the new portal blind you on the way out!

Read the rest of this entry »

Remember, remember

I have sort of wasted this whole entire day, and I had great plans for great things I was going to do and ways I was going to make today productive and special. Instead I mostly wound up sleeping too much and eating leftover halloween candy, and vainly trying to make edits on a fic that seems to be a deep regression of my writing goals back to the year 2002, and reading Hikaru no Go fic that i’ve already read, because fandom has stalled the fic production liines, to my infinite sadness.

I just reread Mirabella’s 5 Things fic, Issues, and was momentarily struck with the kind of emotional paralysis that comes when you read something truly superbly crafted and put together and well-written - that onslaught of ‘ohmygod, there’s no way i’ll ever be that good, that careful, that polished, that crafted, that good at creating sheer loveliness‘ that I assume is a natural kind of writer’s envy.

Only today, in that moment, I started thinking about how much I wish I could just push that kind of thinking aside and believe in my own ability as much as I have believed in the abilities of everyone around me. That got me started thinking of all the things I want to give myself as a writer and as a human being.

Read the rest of this entry »

inching past the edge of reserve

it’s exactly midnight according to my laptop.

my laptop, by the way, has no name.  I temporarily named it Touya but it doesn’t seem to like that.  It honestly feels more like an Ogata. Mylaptop is so needlessly flashy. Such a pimp.

My posts, they are so intelligent.

I have pinched a nerve in my shoulder and for the last 3 days have been walking around like a zombie with one arm stuck out, head frozen rigidly in place.  Just in time for Halloween! :D

Tell me about your Halloween costumes!

i have not dressed up for Halloween in probably a decade. This makes me sad.  i tried to be a gypsy in the early 2000’s but I could only find one gypsy earring and no gypsy jewelry.  When I was nine my mom made me a She-Ra costume and it was the best costume in the whole wide world ever.  I had a cardboard sword. I rocked.  When I was 13 I tried to go as a mummy to this halloween party I got invited to.  I unraveled. D:  Also the big thing that year was the POGO BALL that year, and everyone else’s costumes allowed them to hop on the POGO BALL successfully.  When I tried it I not only was predestined to failure due to my lolarious lack of coordination technology, but I also had strands of mummy cloth whipping nerdily in the wind.  It was such a bad scene all around.

Tonight, watching House, for the first time in  my life I felt my faith in an OTP waver due to competition. I know this could be because I just had this big discussion with Epon about how polar I am in my choice of OTPS and how I am rigidly unhappy when anything comes between them.  But mostly I think it’s because House/Wilson has been kind of stale, backgroundy, and predictable lately, whereas holy hell, HOUSE/FOREMAN IS REALLY HOT.  Are there interesting, convincing House/Foreman recs out there?  I would love to read them, but I’m so not-in-tune with House fandom I have no idea where I’d look.

In other news, Bones is still awesome. I love that show. Nothing about it has remotely jumped the shark to me, and that says a lot considering Angela’s husband now wants her back, lol.  BUT HOLY CRAP ANGELA IS BI.  I FUCKING CALLED THAT FROM EP ONE.    I love Angela/Hodgins (no K!) so much, though. I shipped her/Brennan in the very beginning of the show but I don’t think any pairing has ever surprised and stolen my heart so completely as Sexy Art Chick/Bug Guy.  Hodgins is so adorably hot and creepy.  :D  I love them. I really just love Bones, something about it makes my heart happy.

I am seriously over Heroes, though.   I’m not watching anything else this season, though after Josie screamed at me to watch last week’s SGA I did and briefly considered marathoning the last season and a half in order to catch up. :/  Should I? So many decisions.

I want the BSG mini-series now.  I want to dig up the will to finish watching Death Note and possibly finish the manga, but I already know that  will never happen.

It’s  12:12 now and i have to sleep soon.   Everyone at work is being so nice about my leaving, and really supportive and encouraging and just generally wonderful.  I am really excited about switching jobs!  Now I will have enough money to actually move into a decent apartment of my own without investing in a townhouse with three other people, haha.    And I can get a cat!!!!  I have waited so long to have the financial stability to own a cat, which is pathetic, but true. :(   Oh my god I’m totally going to wind up naming my cat Touya, aren’t I.  Oh my god I can get two and name them Touya and Shindou, this is the worst idea ever,  I already can’t stop thinking about it. :/

I miss long Tezuka/Ryoma fic.

I miss my shoulder before it became prey to unceasing muscle twinges. Ow.

I miss being as in love with my own characters as I am other  people’s.

I sort of miss the South.  I definitely miss the ocean.   I miss feeling part of a community.  I miss singing.

I hope I like my job. I hope I can keep up, well, everything I’m doing lately. <3  It’s nice.

I’ve been listening to Amalin’s mix cds lately - the one she made for fall, and the one she made for spring.  The fall one is my favorite and always has been, maybe just because it has “Chocolate” on it.  There’s something about that song - though I’m not a huge Snow Patrol fan, that song just pushes all my hopeful buttons.    There’s something about that whole cd that speaks to me, and sounds a lot like how I imagine Kara’s voice sounds.

She told me once that it doesn’t matter whether you’re 20 or 28 or 58. It takes as long as it takes to figure out how to be happy, how to be the person you want to be.    That has lodged inside of me somewhere.  I think this whole year, post-phoenix rising, because there was something there that week that I think I knew would change me if I let it - and I went there wanting to let it - I have been coming to terms with the fact that I’m ready to be someone else.  I’m ready to change myself.   I am changing myself.  And this is the first time in years that I am standing on the cusp (lol cusp) of Guy Fawkes Day and not freaking out at all the things I’m not doing - all the things I’m not doing and should be, all the ways I’m not who I want to be.  This is the first time maybe since I’ve reached adulthood that I feel like I’m exactly okay with where I am and what I’m doing.  Not because everything’s perfect, but because everything’s in-progress and I want it to be.  Something spinning into control for once, and into my hands.

No really, not another post about bump of chicken.

In no particular order, my life since August has consisted of the following things.

1.

As previously mentioned, Sam made me get facebook. It has been an experience. It makes my computer function three times more slowly and makes me spend hours sending my poor blue rabbit Yanagi-chan into coves to fight toxic monsters, where he ultimately loses and I spend the next three days trying to build up enough money to buy myself exotic moccasin socks so I won’t die, which of course means I instantly go into battle and die anyway and have to start all over again. I thought Facebook was about never keeping tabs on all your high school and college friends so you could see what kind of dork lives they’re leading now, but apparently it’s really all about something called Superpoke and letting your friends send you virtual garden gnomes. The internet is so strange.

Read the rest of this entry »

This post is emo and long, but at least it’s a post.

I’ve been trying to make a real update to this thing for 2 days and I keep getting sidetracked. I hate the web format of Wordpress, but when I try to write the entry using Semagic I just get stalled because I’m not writing for LJ.  Also I have 50 million pictures to sort through and organize, and when did writing an LJ entry start to feel like so much work?

Today I have no hot water, because apparently the hot water heater in my apartment house is broken.  I have an interview for a job at an international company on Friday and I have every expectation that when I walk in they are going to look at me and go “LOL” and shoo me out again.  If I get it, I keep having the expectation that it means I will have to act like an adult, no more faffing about acting as young as the kids I tutor.  I will have to have a briefcase. I will have to go on business trips. I will have to stop using the word “like” all the time.  No more laughing inappropriately in public places.

 Needless to say, this terrifies me. 

Read the rest of this entry »