The power of waffling.

I’ve always said, repeatedly ever since I got my lj and started to engage with fandom, that I didn’t want to fragment my life. I don’t want to keep my real life and my fandom life separate; I don’t want to keep my real life friends separate from my online ones. The idea of even attempting to do that is ridiculous, because there’s so much overlap and because I’m so heavily engrained in internet culture as part of what I do actively in real life.

Working at probation was hard for me because I HAD to keep my fandom life out of my real life so I wound up doing things like locking my entire LJ, deleting entries when real life people found them, and signing up for Facebook as a J-pop idol and not myself, haha. It was all very frenetic and stressful.

But now I have a job where my co-workers write Smallville fanfic and call each other Lostheads. So, yeah. I feel free to unseparate everything once again, and it feels great.

Except. Except.

This whole LJ thing.

Ugh, this whole LJ thing. Should I stay or should I go? Should I attempt to turn my livejournal into something that can adapt into this new phase of my life, or should I just start over (the way, for example, Dorrie has so charmingly done, the way I have been trying and awkwardly failing to do here on this blog) and make something completely new?

And if I want to make a blog that is completely new, can I stand to lose that connection that I have had with my LJ community? I mean, the answer is really, really, no. But at the same time, with that sense of connectedness comes a sense of expectation, and I want to break away from that as much as from LJ specifically. But then - what are my options?

Can I have both?

I want both. I want to have LJ and LJ’s community and I want to have a space that feels self-contained, separate, apart, like starting over. Something not particularly tied to fandom, but specifically tied to me.

The tricky part is that I, at this point, can’t and don’t want to extricate myself from fandom. But at the same time, I want a blog that doesn’t come with fandom expectations.

So, to sum up:

1) I want a blog that doesn’t come with fandom expectations.
2) But I don’t want to separate out my life into fandom/real life
3) I want to keep my connections to my LJ friends and my fandom community on LJ
4) But I’m still quite upset and unhappy with the prospect of coming back to LJ itself.

So, yeah. I just don’t know what to do with myselllllf.

Do they make a patch for that?

Me: i’ve had it. i have had it! YOU AND I ARE QUITS, LIVEJOURNAL. I MEAN IT THIS TIME.
LJ: Whatever. Three months and you’ll be crawling back. You always come crawling back.
Me: THAT’S WHAT YOU THINK. SEE THIS? THIS IS THE FLAMING SIGN OF MY COMMITMENT TO JUSTICE!
LJ: …you realise that shirt’s not actually on fire.
Me: OH, SCREW YOU. GOODBYE FOREVER, LJ.
LJ: yeah, yeah, don’t let the new portal blind you on the way out!

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This post is emo and long, but at least it’s a post.

I’ve been trying to make a real update to this thing for 2 days and I keep getting sidetracked. I hate the web format of Wordpress, but when I try to write the entry using Semagic I just get stalled because I’m not writing for LJ.  Also I have 50 million pictures to sort through and organize, and when did writing an LJ entry start to feel like so much work?

Today I have no hot water, because apparently the hot water heater in my apartment house is broken.  I have an interview for a job at an international company on Friday and I have every expectation that when I walk in they are going to look at me and go “LOL” and shoo me out again.  If I get it, I keep having the expectation that it means I will have to act like an adult, no more faffing about acting as young as the kids I tutor.  I will have to have a briefcase. I will have to go on business trips. I will have to stop using the word “like” all the time.  No more laughing inappropriately in public places.

 Needless to say, this terrifies me. 

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I’ll pull you out through the space between the bars - admit that you’re dirty, the world is all yours.

Epon scolded me last night.  “I feel guilty when I go to your wordpress and see all these comments going ‘AJA WHERE ARE YOU’ when you are right here!”   I was like, But I haven’t gone anywhere! and she was like, but you haven’t updated! and I was like, I have nothing to say!

And I still don’t think I have anything to say.  But it seems Epon has made me her slave, so I suppose I will update.

I made a list of things I wanted to talk about on this post so that I could actually have things to say. Because really, honestly the only time I ever get the urge to update lately is when the only thing, I swear, that I want to say is BUMP OF CHICKEN BUMP OF CHICKEN OH MY GOD I LOVE YOU BUMP OF CHICKEN. So I figured I would get that out of the way first.

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so tonight i’ll sing a song for all my friends

ways in which i am cheating my livejournal ban:
- continuing to use semagic to write entries in because it’s endlessly better than a browser script of any variety
- answering people when they ask stupid questions on rackets, it’s like i just can’t stop myself even though i handed the group over to Wonapalei and company. :/
- uploading pictures to my picture account, because Semagic makes that easier than anything else on earth. And someone told me it would just be depriving LJ of bandwidth because I’d only be hotlinking from other sites anyway.
- RSS feeding ljs even though this is still confusing and scary, and even though commenting is out.

I think I forced myself to leave LJ because I needed a disconnect and I wanted one. And now I have one. It is making me restless and fidgety. To say that I am feeling avoidant is a major, major understatement - I have 59 unanswered emails in my inbox and at least 3 communit - no, 4 - fandom projects i’m deliberately hiding from.

This all looks, on the surface, like so much immaturity and emotional distress. I know that. But it’s not. It’s turbulence, rather - a change happening inside me for once rather than being done to me. At some point this will all straighten itself out and I will know where to go from here, and what I want.

In the meantime, PICSPAM :D.

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