Remember, remember

I have sort of wasted this whole entire day, and I had great plans for great things I was going to do and ways I was going to make today productive and special. Instead I mostly wound up sleeping too much and eating leftover halloween candy, and vainly trying to make edits on a fic that seems to be a deep regression of my writing goals back to the year 2002, and reading Hikaru no Go fic that i’ve already read, because fandom has stalled the fic production liines, to my infinite sadness.

I just reread Mirabella’s 5 Things fic, Issues, and was momentarily struck with the kind of emotional paralysis that comes when you read something truly superbly crafted and put together and well-written - that onslaught of ‘ohmygod, there’s no way i’ll ever be that good, that careful, that polished, that crafted, that good at creating sheer loveliness‘ that I assume is a natural kind of writer’s envy.

Only today, in that moment, I started thinking about how much I wish I could just push that kind of thinking aside and believe in my own ability as much as I have believed in the abilities of everyone around me. That got me started thinking of all the things I want to give myself as a writer and as a human being. I have made serious strides in giving myself what I want lately: I wanted to leave livejournal and try something different, so I did; I wanted to stop letting my boss walk all over me, so I did; I wanted to stop dicking around and get a job that actually challenged me, so I did. I wanted to stop letting myself fall prey to the depression I have been battling for nearly nine years, and in large part, over the last two years and especially the last nine months, I feel as if I have.

At work - well, my old job - we have to change our password every three months. I have a password pattern that never changes, and a keyword within the pattern that does. Generally I like for the word I type when I log in to be whatever’s generally on my mind at that moment in my life. Three months ago, just after I’d made the decision to leave LJ, I thought “what do I really want right now?” and the answer I got back was FAITH. I was at a point when I really, really wanted something to believe in. The word Faith for me has always had religious connotations that I have shied very much away from in recent years; but I remember very clearly thinking that it was time for me to have faith in something, because a life without faith is a life without hope. I remember wondering: what if i’ve lost the ability to have faith? and i remember thinking, well - maybe if I practice, it will come back.

I think I have gained a lot in the last three months just from the act of practicing. Even if i don’t know to where I’m racing, I feel like my strides, as they are, have lengthened. And that counts for something.

So today, because it is my birthday, I’m going to give myself the present of believing in my writing, and in my voice, and in what I’m doing right now. I’m not going to freak out the next time Mira writes an amazing Hikaru no Go fic, haha. :D Or when Maya gets published and becomes the fastest bestselling new writer in the history of ever, or when Shalott wins another big deal writing award, haha. I’m going to find my own story and I’m going to believe in it and I’m going to write it, and I’m going to believe in myself above all.

Hahaha, and, because that’s the theme of this entry, here is Ken Hirai’s fantastic acoustic cover of “Faith.” Yes, that “Faith.” :D

Happy Guy Fawkes Day, everyone! Burn something in effigy if you get a chance, and think of me. :)