Double Faced Mask
A Yami no Matsuei fanficAuthor: Ria
Disclaimer: YnM is copy to several people, such as Yoko Matsushita and Hakusensha. ItÔŅĹs not mine and never will be, considering IÔŅĹm just a college student struggling with a part-time job because sheÔŅĹs so broke. Suing me would be rather pointless. I just do this because I love to and hopefully to give others some enjoyment, too.
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: The anime and the first few volumes of the manga.
Pairings: Tsuzuki/Hisoka, beginning Tatsumi/Watari
Warnings: angst, memories of NCS and mind-rape, eventual shounen-ai,
Summary: Tsuzuki angsts and HisokaÔŅĹs logical (but still dense) about their situation. Then Watari gets in on the act to deliver some advice, dragging a helpless Tatsumi along for the rideÔŅĹ
Timeline: A few months after the Kyoto arc in the anime with some stuff from the manga thrown in for good measure. If youÔŅĹve seen the anime, youÔŅĹll be fine. If youÔŅĹve seen both, youÔŅĹll be great!
AuthorÔŅĹs Notes: Okay, I know technically that all that Tsuzuki and the others get is an apartment, not a house, but I wanted Tsuzuki to have a garden, so I put him in a house. That sorted out, I now present to you the official angst-filled chapter of this story! Haha, Hisoka turned pensive, what could I do? Enjoy! Lyrics are from ÔŅĹIt CanÔŅĹt Come Quickly EnoughÔŅĹ from the Scissor Sisters, and arenÔŅĹt mine.Double Faced Mask
The Marks We Bear
It canÔŅĹt come quickly enough
And now youÔŅĹve spent your life
Waiting for this moment
And when you finally saw it come
It passed you by and
Left you so defeated
Tsuzuki looks like heÔŅĹs died and gone to Heaven, metaphorically speaking. The emotions that IÔŅĹm picking up from him can only be described as unbelievably fuzzy. I probably shouldnÔŅĹt have bought him the two desserts, but heÔŅĹs been in such a strange mood todayÔŅĹ I had to make sure that he was still himself, and dangling extra dessert in front of him was the best way. And I feltÔŅĹ happy when he smiled. It was more than his usual semi-hysterics when it comes to sweet things; I think he understood (somewhat) why I was giving him extra dessert.
Oh well, heÔŅĹs happy, now, at least. Even if he did insist that I have to eat some, too. A little apple pie wonÔŅĹt hurt meÔŅĹ I suppose. Tsuzuki only ever shares his sweets with me, so I should be a little more grateful.
When weÔŅĹre almost at his house, a couple pass by us, holding hands and so in love that itÔŅĹs nauseating. I cringe at the sappy emotions radiating from them, closing my eyes automatically as if not seeing them can make them just disappear. But I canÔŅĹt help opening them again and looking at the couple, wistful longing clenching in my chest. They both have someone who wants them and cares about them. Well, so do I, but IÔŅĹm not sure he cares about me in the same way that I care about him. Either that, or heÔŅĹs pretending very, very well. His emotions, those that I can sense despite his shields, are so puzzled and tangled that I canÔŅĹt decipher them.
Maybe he is pretending. There are times when I look up without thinking and find him watching me out of the corner of his eye. I often feel his gaze upon me when IÔŅĹm reading or doing paperwork, but IÔŅĹm not entirely sure what it means. TsuzukiÔŅĹs always been kind and affectionate to me (especially when I donÔŅĹt want him to be), but things have changed between us since Kyoto, discreet though they may be.
I found myself fascinated with Tsuzuki right from the start, but at first it was for the wrong reasons. I couldnÔŅĹt believe how childish he was, this Shinigami who was supposed to be my partner. A complete letdown, and I supposed I reacted badly. Huh, I know I reacted badly, but Tsuzuki took no notice, thankfully. I donÔŅĹt know what would have happened if he didÔŅĹ
I have no idea how he didnÔŅĹt lose his temper with me in those first few days. I must have been his worst nightmare. But gradually I began to lighten up and not take TsuzukiÔŅĹs idiosyncrasies so seriously and, somewhere along the way, began to care for him. And eventually, that care changed to need and attraction.
IÔŅĹm not sure how much Tsuzuki realises I care for him. Oh, I imagine he knows somethingÔŅĹs up, but probably not the extent of it, whereas I know exactly how he feels ÔŅĹ or as much as I can sense from him. Tsuzuki can shield surprisingly well when he doesnÔŅĹt want me to find out something. While normally IÔŅĹm thankful for it, itÔŅĹs times like these that his stubbornness is particularly frustrating.
The air is heavy with emotions that neither of us can say and Tsuzuki is very determinedly looking away from me. And suddenly ÔŅĹ I have enough. I juggle with my bags and packages, carefully switching them all to my right arm, before slowly extending my hand and curling my fingers around TsuzukiÔŅĹs. My heart is thumping and IÔŅĹm fighting to stay calm as I look away ÔŅĹ not easy when IÔŅĹve practically told him how I feel in actions!
For a long moment all I can sense is surprise from him, before a warm acceptance and delight floods my senses as he wraps his fingers around mine, too, and squeezes gently. I glance at him before I can help it and thereÔŅĹs a huge, genuine smile on his face. I smile back at him, certain that my face is easier to read than a book.
He visibly hesitates, before wrapping an arm around my shoulders and pulling me to him. We walk together, a gentle comfort wrapped around us like a worn, well-loved blanket as I breathe in his familiar scent.
This is love. It has to be. Nothing can be better than this.
I stare around at our surroundings as we walk, mildly interested. IÔŅĹm always amazed at howÔŅĹ normal Meifu is, like our old world. Same houses, same places, almost the same weather. But there is no transportation here and pollution is non-existent. Apparently death grants us all more wisdom than we were originally gifted with. It rarely rains here, falling like our tears upon the mortal world. I always watch it, mesmerized, sitting and watching it run down the window in clear rivulets. To me, the rain is something to love and be comforted by. Tsuzuki doesnÔŅĹt even try to understand my fascination with it.
TsuzukiÔŅĹs house isÔŅĹ well, normal, too. ThereÔŅĹs nothing particularly extraordinary about it, but it has a charm of its own, as houses go. ItÔŅĹs a bungalow, painted a faded white with a vibrant garden surrounding it. TsuzukiÔŅĹs garden is his pride and joy. Apart from eating, itÔŅĹs his most favourite hobby. As soon as he was well enough after Kyoto (the Chief having forbidden him to come back to work), Tsuzuki spent countless hours gardening while I read and kept an eye on him. IÔŅĹm not entirely sure how he managed to get a house while the rest of us are in apartments, but I think the garden had something to do with it. That, and the fact that TsuzukiÔŅĹs so powerful and doesnÔŅĹt even realise it, half the timeÔŅĹ I suppose it gets him some leverage and not a little favouritism. Of course, heÔŅĹs so modest that itÔŅĹs almost idiotic, but I can never fault him for it.
I sink into a chair by TsuzukiÔŅĹs kitchen table with a sigh, helping him unpack while he chatters. We get everything ready in companionable silence (apart from one moment where I sternly tell him that he canÔŅĹt have his first dessert before his main meal) and I settle into my favourite armchair with Tsuzuki opposite me. Tonight is a night for silence and our conversation is sporadic at best, but neither of us is particularly bothered by such a minor detail.
ÔŅĹNe,ÔŅĹ Tsuzuki says after a while. ÔŅĹIs it me, or is Watari-kun spending a lot more time than usual with Tatsumi-kun lately?ÔŅĹ He pokes his food with his chopsticks as he talks, his tongue poking out of the corner of his mouth in concentration.
I frown at him, my own food halfway to my mouth. I lower my chopsticks, thinking back on the last few weeks. ÔŅĹIs he?ÔŅĹ Truthfully, I hadnÔŅĹt noticed anything, but then, I havenÔŅĹt been paying much attention to anyone other than Tsuzuki in the last few months.
ÔŅĹHai!ÔŅĹ Tsuzuki nods energetically. ÔŅĹHe used to spend some time with him before, but now he acts like itÔŅĹs his mission to annoy Tatsumi-kun as quickly as possible.ÔŅĹ He pauses, pouting. ÔŅĹI thought that was my job.ÔŅĹ
I canÔŅĹt help but roll my eyes, but I think I know whatÔŅĹs going on. From what little Watari would tell me after Kyoto (possibly to keep my jealousy tendencies at bay), Tatsumi was really shaken up after Tsuzuki nearly died. Not to mention, furious with himself that it had been me who had run to save him, while he held back and followed TsuzukiÔŅĹs wishes. I suppose he had felt protective of Tsuzuki afterwards, holding himself a little responsible, and from what I can gather, Tsuzuki had been grateful to him (he had saved us both, after all), but had turned to me for comfort.
IÔŅĹm not really sure what to do, considering the two of them have a long, complicated history together, while IÔŅĹve only been around for the last two years. On the other hand, I canÔŅĹt deny what I feel for Tsuzuki, so I suppose IÔŅĹll just have to come to an understanding with Tatsumi, if thatÔŅĹs even possible.
ItÔŅĹs complicated.
So, I think WatariÔŅĹs taken it upon himself to be TsuzukiÔŅĹs replacement, thereby using every excuse to try and drive the man mad. And, well, if Watari feels something more towards Tatsumi, he has my every blessing to at least try.
Tsuzuki rambles on about Watari and Tatsumi for a while longer, while I make short interjections here and there. Our conversation twists and turns for another while, until Tsuzuki is able to eat his dessert, at last. I honestly thought heÔŅĹd just give me a small bite of the damn apple pie, so when he plonks himself beside me and patiently holds out the fork at me, IÔŅĹm literally speechless.
ÔŅĹWhat are you doing?ÔŅĹ I ask at last, staring at the fork like itÔŅĹs grown heads.
Tsuzuki blinks at me. ÔŅĹFeeding you,ÔŅĹ he says, as if itÔŅĹs blatantly obvious and IÔŅĹm rather slow.
I stare at him harder. ÔŅĹWhy?ÔŅĹ
ÔŅĹBecause itÔŅĹll be fun?ÔŅĹ he asks, now looking slightly worried.
ÔŅĹFun?ÔŅĹ I repeat, as if the wordÔŅĹs alien.
He nods, then pouts. ÔŅĹCÔŅĹmon, itÔŅĹll be fun! Hi-so-kaaaa,ÔŅĹ he pleads, and EnMa damn me, but I canÔŅĹt say no.
I let out a huff of breath. ÔŅĹOh, all right,ÔŅĹ I say, and let my mouth close over the fork, trying to eat with as much dignity as possible. I never understand why anyone wants to be fed by another person, babies exempted. ItÔŅĹs just too messy and bothersome. But if Tsuzuki gets a kick out of it, wellÔŅĹ
What is it that one of those Western writers said? ÔŅĹI can resist everything except temptationÔŅĹ? Well, thatÔŅĹs me, and TsuzukiÔŅĹs my temptation, my forbidden fruit, and I want him.
It takes me a while, but I eventually realise that TsuzukiÔŅĹs a little too interested in watching me eat and as his shields accidentally drop, I suddenly sense all the emotions pouring from him, most of them specifically targeted at me. A blush floods my cheeks before I can help it, and I know that Tsuzuki knows why itÔŅĹs happening. The emotions heÔŅĹs feelingÔŅĹ the expression in his eyesÔŅĹ I canÔŅĹt handle themÔŅĹ
He gains control, albeit shakily, and I can breathe again. But then he carefully puts down the dessert and stares straight at me. Our noses are barely inches apart and for one breathless moment, I think heÔŅĹs going to kiss me. His eyes narrow and he draws closerÔŅĹ
ÔŅĹto lick whipped cream thatÔŅĹs accidentally smeared across the tip of my nose. I nearly keel over from sheer disbelief.
ÔŅĹYou okay?ÔŅĹ he asks, giving me a quizzical look as my face flames even further.
I nod breathlessly. ÔŅĹH-hai,ÔŅĹ I mutter. ÔŅĹIÔŅĹm absolutely fine.ÔŅĹ
Thankfully, things came down after that and we retreat back to safer ground. I tell Tsuzuki that IÔŅĹve had enough and he reluctantly finishes his desserts on his own, seeming to have lost some of his enjoyment and treating it more as a chore, which is always a bad sign.
I yawn, my eyes drooping. ÔŅĹDo you want me to stay here tonight?ÔŅĹ I ask sleepily, rubbing my eyes.
ÔŅĹIf you want,ÔŅĹ he says sullenly, before instantly looking ashamed of himself as I glance sharply at him. ÔŅĹSorryÔŅĹ I wasnÔŅĹt thinkingÔŅĹ it came out wrong.ÔŅĹ
I resist my initial impulse of snapping at him, murmuring, ÔŅĹIÔŅĹll always be here for you, you know that.ÔŅĹ
He smiles at me, a brilliant, genuine smile. ÔŅĹI know, and IÔŅĹll always be here for you. After all, whatÔŅĹs a partner for, ne?ÔŅĹ he asks, standing up and beginning to gather the rubbish.
ÔŅĹMmm,ÔŅĹ I murmur, letting him pull me up and helping carry in some of the boxes and cartons. We clean up quickly and stagger to the bedroom. We stay the night at each otherÔŅĹs place so often that itÔŅĹs become habit for us to leave a spare set of sleepwear and clothes, to save us going back to change the next morning. I change while Tsuzuki uses the bathroom, and then we switch.
After finishing in the bathroom, I crawl into the bed beside TsuzukiÔŅĹs (it was in the spare bedroom, but we eventually figured out how to move it with WatariÔŅĹs help, in a day with much cursing, breaking and confusion never to be repeated again) and snuggle down with a soft sigh. IÔŅĹm so tiredÔŅĹ But I murmur vague replies to TsuzukiÔŅĹs quiet babbling until the blanket of slumber finally claims me.
I wake up to TsuzukiÔŅĹs panicked, memory-fuelled cries.
I stumble out of bed, hardly able to think and acting purely on instinct and memory from other times like these. His cries are loud and high-pitched, proof enough that this is a nightmare that he doesnÔŅĹt have to relive and needs to be woken up from immediately. I grab his shoulders and shake him gently, murmuring his name repeatedly. I donÔŅĹt want to have to hurt him, but I will if itÔŅĹs the only way to wake him up.
He jerks awake, his purple eyes wide, tear-filled and frantic. His gaze locks on me for one second, before his fragile control shatters and he clings to me, sobbing. I close my eyes, my head beginning to throb at the assault of his emotions. Pain, agony, fear, relief, anguish, all battering at my shields until I feel just as fragile and lost as he is. I hold him, smoothing his hair and murmuring nonsense words of comfort like he does for me, rocking him back and forth and thinking of comfort and safety as he gradually and painfully calms down.
ÔŅĹDonÔŅĹt leave me,ÔŅĹ he whimpers over and over. ÔŅĹDonÔŅĹt leave me, donÔŅĹt ever leave me because I donÔŅĹt think I could cope. I need you.ÔŅĹ
ÔŅĹI know,ÔŅĹ I reply softly. ÔŅĹDonÔŅĹt worry, I wonÔŅĹt ever leave you.ÔŅĹ I wonder why, for the first in a long time, I had no nightmares tonight. Usually IÔŅĹm trying to forget my own demons when IÔŅĹm comforting him, and vice-versa. But tonight is different ÔŅĹ I was lost in the dark embrace of sleep before he woke me up, nothing more.
TsuzukiÔŅĹs said other things when heÔŅĹs like this, things he probably would never tell me when heÔŅĹs awake, since he usually never remembers them when he wakes up the next day. They hint to me that thereÔŅĹs a good chance he feels the same way about me as I do about him, but thereÔŅĹs a nagging seed of doubt that says perhaps what he says is just half-conscious ramblings that his frantic mind invents, and IÔŅĹm too uncertain to ever ask. And he never remembers anyway, so whatÔŅĹs the point?
ItÔŅĹs not just because we talk too long that we stay at each otherÔŅĹs place for the night. ItÔŅĹs hard to comfort yourself when youÔŅĹre crying too hard to think properly.
The nightmares are always humbling. They remind me that Tsuzuki is human, just like the rest of us. ItÔŅĹs too easy to slip into the stereotypes that he wants us to believe, of the bumbling idiot who loves dessert too much. ItÔŅĹs too easy to forget that heÔŅĹs old, old, old, older than even my grandparents, and been through more than I can ever imagine. ItÔŅĹs too easy to forget that he hated himself so much only a few months ago that he almost welcomed the second death. ItÔŅĹs too easy to only think of him as the partner that IÔŅĹve fallen for completely and am almost fighting Tatsumi for.
But now, as I rock him back to sleep and listen to his lessoning sobs, I wonder if perhaps I should be satisfied with what IÔŅĹve already got, instead of demanding even more from him.
- End The Marks We Bear ÔŅĹ