Title: Letting You Go
Author: Ria
Disclaimer: Not mine. God, I wish it was, though. I swear, one of these days I'll figure out how to use cat ears and tails in Western fiction and make it work. *end writerly fantasy*
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Um. General spoilers, I suppose. If you've seen the anime you're safe.
Pairings: Soubi/Ritsuka; Seimei/Soubi, and unfulfilled Kio/Soubi.
Words: ~1,000
Summary: Kio thinks more than he should; he sees more than people realise.
Author's Notes: This is all Storyteller's fault. *grumble* I better let it be known that while I've seen the anime, I've only started actually reading the manga, which I'd been putting off, so this is really anime-verse. This is the first time I've written anything Loveless-related. I like Kio. I'd love to give him a hug. :| Any mistakes or goof-ups are mine and I apologise for them.

 

Letting You Go

Kio's life used to be comparatively simple: meet his college deadlines; persuade Soubi to do the same; drink beer; and remain hopelessly in love with Soubi, as always.

And then, before he even realised it could happen, everything changed and life suddenly became a whole lot more complicated.

Kio knows that he is not everything that Soubi needs. Before, he would have said that Seimei was everything that Soubi wanted, but not everything that he needed. Kio used to smile when Soubi mentioned Seimei, even though he was screaming inside whenever he heard the name, because Soubi was happy when he talked about Seimei, and Soubi was rarely so happy that the least Kio could do was smile for him.

Kio can still admit that there are times that, if Aoyagi Seimei wasn't already dead, he would be very tempted to do it himself. For Soubi, happiness is pain and pain is happiness, and Seimei has helped Soubi's inability to distinguish between them. Soubi smiles when he is in pain and looks sad when he is happy, and after Seimei died there was only constant, constant despair.

On bad days, Kio thinks about the fact that if Seimei had told Soubi to run himself into the ground, Soubi would have been smiling as he died because he was following Seimei's orders.

Sometimes, he wonders how Soubi didn't die along with Seimei. Then he wonders why he thinks this because it doesn't make any sense.

Soubi has Ritsuka, now, after all.

Kio used to hate the smile that Soubi smiled for Seimei: bitter, soft, and tired. Whenever Soubi would smile at him like that, Kio would immediately react: poking, badgering, and complaining until Soubi would flash a wavering, hesitant smile, and Kio would smile back at him, the terrible weight lifting from his chest.

Then Seimei's younger brother entered Soubi's life, and everything changed.

Now, Kio watches Soubi as he always has done, and notes the changes. He watches Soubi protect and tease a prickly twelve year old who has the worst social skills that Kio has ever seen, worse even than Soubi's ideas of social interaction. Kio watches Soubi's adoration of Ritsuka, and knows that Soubi loves him in his own way, his love wonderful and terrible all at once. Kio knows because he has wanted Soubi to love him like that for a very long time. Then he watches Ritsuka's slow acceptance and gradual delight, and thinks, not for the first time, that they're both incredibly messed up and that their dependence on one another is too dangerous.

Kio never liked Seimei, and he would like to think that if he were alive now he wouldn't hesitate to make his opinion known, except he wouldn't because it would make Soubi sad, and he never wants to make Soubi sad. It took him a while to realise that he can't say the same about Ritsuka, however, because sometimes Ritsuka will look just as hopelessly lost as Soubi, and Kio sometimes suspects that the only reason they keep stumbling forward is because the other is with them.

He doesn't think he'll ever publicly admit that he actually quite likes Ritsuka, but he does a passable imitation of publicly tolerating him.

Kio sometimes wonders why Soubi doesn't ever realise that Kio would do anything for him, just as Soubi used to do anything for Seimei. This never seemed healthy for Soubi, but it makes perfect sense for Kio because it is Soubi. Who wouldn't do anything and everything for him?

Once, Kio would have said Ritsuka, but now he isn't so sure, not with the way Ritsuka looks at Soubi, and the way that he holds his hand, and the way they cling to each other.

This� thing between them can't be healthy, but now he realises that neither of them was particularly healthy to begin with.

It hurts, sometimes, that a twelve year old succeeded where Kio himself could not. He never wants to go through the days that followed Seimei's death again, struggling to cope with Soubi's desperation, his inability to accept that Seimei was gone, and his wish to die along with him. Kio doesn't want to remember, either, but Soubi's complete breakdown in functioning haunts him in his dreams, or when Soubi is quiet and staring into space, shadows growing around him and in his eyes. Kio wants to forget, but he knows he never will: this is the price for being Soubi's friend, and for being completely in love with him, but Kio knows deep down that he isn't strong enough to go through it all again.

The first time that Kio realised that Soubi's eyes softened whenever he mentioned Ritsuka in a way they never had when he mentioned Seimei, and that the smile that Ritsuka brought to Soubi's lips was raw and real, Kio closed his eyes and imagined that he could hear Seimei's ghost sigh and finally let go of Soubi. Kio is sure that Seimei has let go of Soubi, now; he doesn't think that Soubi, however, will ever let go of Seimei.

This doesn't mean that Kio won't call Soubi a pervert whenever it suits him � after all, Ritsuka is still only twelve.

Kio thinks about all the grade school kids who suddenly hang around them. He thinks about that teacher who still has her ears who blushes whenever either of them is around, but especially when Soubi is close by. Most of all, he thinks about Soubi and Ritsuka.

In the end, however, he decides that it has to be right because Ritsuka makes Soubi happy and alive in a way that Seimei never could, and when Soubi is happy then Kio is happy, and neither of them is happy nearly enough.