Disclaimer: Not mine. Obviously. Isn't it obvious by now?

Written for taradiane

 

Climbing the Wall

He dreamed of darkness that slithered like oil, poisonous to the touch. It wrapped around him like a chilled cloak, making him shiver. Ice encased his body, its grip like iron. Struggle was futile.

From the darkness stepped a young woman, her brown hair shining dully in the blackness. Her eyes were weary and dejected, but Hermione still smiled at him. Then she collapsed without a word.

She was gone before he could do anything.

He stared for a moment, realising that his memories of her were already fading. He started when a young man silently appeared. His hair was so red that he almost couldn�t see the blood in it.

Ron grinned at him, that same cocky grin as always, before he too fell. But this time he could see the blood dripping slowly from his back.

More came, possibly hundreds for all he knew, and they all died. As Sirius stared blankly up at him, Harry began to scream. The sound went on and on, so shrill that his ears started to bleed, and then he was on his knees, his throat raw from the scream still pouring from his mouth.

Then a voice, cold and commanding, cut through his cries. �Harry!� The ground started to roll, but there was nothing to hold onto. �Harry!�

Leave me alone! he wanted to yell, but everything fell apart.

 

�Harry!�

He jerked awake, trying to remember why someone was holding him down, why the bed was such a mess, and why he was screaming.

Arms slammed him back against the bed so hard his head slammed against the pillow. He stared blankly up at Draco, who looked ready to murder him.

�Draco?� he whispered, holding back a wince. His arm hurt!

�Good, you�re awake,� he replied coldly, rolling off him but still keeping a hand locked around his arm. His eyes were calm, but his expression was severely annoyed. Harry realised he�d probably woken him up... not good.

�What happened?� he asked, struggling up to a sitting position. �I had a nightmare...�

�Well, that explains part of it, then,� Draco muttered, taking away his hand and leaning back against the headboard.

Harry went cold. �What did I do to you?� He wasn�t sure he even wanted to know.

�Oh, nothing really.� Draco shrugged. �Only punched me, tried to dislocate a few ribs, maybe rip out my heart.�

Harry stared at him in horror, before burying his face in his hands. �I�m a mess,� he said in a muffled voice.

�No joke,� Draco drawled, swinging his legs off the bed. �I�m getting a sleeping draft from Snape.�

Harry opened his mouth to object, but he was already gone.

When Draco came back, he�d tidied up the bed as best he could, both so he could sleep better and because it made his face go hot just looking at it. Harry looked away from the wall he�d been intently studying as Draco climbed up onto the bed, a vial held tightly in his hand.

�This isn�t doing you any good,� Draco said grimly, looking at the vial like it held poison. �You can�t depend on this forever.�

�What?� Harry asked, blinking. He�d just noticed that Draco had been wearing grey pyjama bottoms and not much else. It was a struggle not to let the heat he could feel inside him come out onto his face.

Draco sighed, rolling his eyes. �Never mind.� He popped the cork from the vial and held it out. Harry stared at it like it did hold poison. �Potter, drink.�

Harry frowned, but took it. He nearly choked swallowing it; it felt like fire and ice battled inside him.

Sleep took hold of him almost immediately; he hardly had the strength to pull the blankets over him. He thought a hand trailed gently down his face for a moment, but he probably only imagined it.

* * * * *

Draco was already sitting at the table when Harry came down the next morning. Draco took one look at him and silently filled a cup with coffee, pushing it towards him. Harry sat down, sipping the scalding liquid. He closed his eyes as it slid down his throat in a hot trickle, then winced. His throat was still painful�screaming, apparently, wasn�t the best thing to do, no surprise there.

�These nightmares have got to stop.�

Harry blinked as Draco broke the silence, and looked up to find him watching him intently. �What exactly do you mean by that?�

Draco made an impatient sound. �I mean for you to dance naked in the moonlight with the devil. What do you think I mean?�

Harry shook his head. �You can�t just expect the nightmares to stop now that you�ve decided they�re rather troublesome,� he growled, feeling more than a little pissed off. Why couldn�t Draco have waited for a more sensible time before bringing this up?

�Of course I don�t expect that,� Draco said matter-of-factly. �What I do expect is for you to start making a little more effort. The reason your nightmares are such a problem is because you allow them to be. You haven�t made any attempt to move on. How do you expect them to stop, then?�

�What?� Harry exclaimed, staring at him. �Are you insane? I just can�t forget about them like nothing ever happened!�

Draco sighed and gave him a long-suffering look. �Did I say that? You allow them to dictate your life�you�re so guilty over all the deaths that you can�t let go. You figure that as long as you�re still having nightmares, you�re repaying the deaths.� He raised an eyebrow. �Quite frankly that�s just warped thinking, in my opinion at least.�

Harry glared. �Since when do I ever listen to what you say?�

�Your life would be a lot simpler if you did.� His eyes locked on Harry�s, Draco took a sip of his coffee, made a face, and reached for the sugar.

Feeling like fire danced under his skin, Harry shoved away the coffee Draco had poured for him. Draco never even twitched, but Harry knew the action had been the intended slap in his face. Without another word, Harry rose and left.

* * * * *

This time he dreamed about the Weasleys. He watched the Death Eaters silently form a circle around Ginny, light from hidden torches sliding over their masks. Ginny stood in the centre, her face bruised and pale, but still defiant. She was trembling, but never once looked away. She�d already accepted the fact that she was going to die, and there was nothing she could do to stop it.

Moving in one horribly synchronised movement, they raised their wands and cast multiple stunning spells at her. She dropped silently, her hair sprawled on the ground like blood. But there was no blood, not yet.

They crowded around her like vultures around a carcass, their gestures eager and excited, like hounds who�d caught the scent of blood. They knew what was coming, even though he did not. Later, he was glad he didn�t.

He failed Ginny the moment one of them brought out a knife, and he looked away. He told himself there was nothing he could do and it wasn�t his fault, but his lies were feeble and he hated himself.

The scene turned to darkness, and then there were more of the Death eaters, this time dragging away Fred, who was shaking and barely holding back tears. Nearby he could see Charlie on the ground. He wasn�t moving.

Two more were restraining George, who was quite hysterical, straining at the arms that held him, screaming for them to let his twin go, that he hadn�t done anything wrong. Harry realised this was the first time he�d seen them lose their composure. He wished it wasn�t.

There was a flash of light and then Fred was on the ground, still like Charlie was. George let out a terrifying wail, breaking down completely. It took Harry a moment to realise the ringing in his ears was because of George�s screaming.

It took him another moment to realise he was screaming himself.

* * * * *

Harry kept his eyes on his plate because he knew if he looked up Lupin�s eyes would be full of worry and pity, and he didn�t want anyone to feel those things for him. He decided that if he couldn�t see either of those things on Lupin�s face, then it was still all right.

�You didn�t get much sleep last night, did you?� Lupin said at last, breaking the uncomfortable silence that had fallen around them. It made Harry�s stomach wrench to remember the times when he�d viewed Lupin as a second father, and had been able to talk to him about anything. Those times, unfortunately, were long gone.

It took him several moments to answer, partly because he was thinking about what to say. He also had no idea what to say, finally going for the safest option�the truth. �No,� he admitted, now turning his eyes onto his tea. �I didn�t.� He finished the sentence in his head, Nightmares, you know how it is.

Lupin made a small sound. �Any particular reason why?�

Harry glanced up, meeting his gaze. �No.�

Lupin sighed, folding his napkin. �Harry, don�t bother lying to me. Draco�s been in contact.� He paused, before adding, �He�s worried about you.�

The memory of their last conversation made his head hurt. �Draco can go hang himself for all I care right now,� Harry said flatly.

Lupin�s eyebrows shot up. �I see. You had an argument� He absently stirred his tea as he spoke. He�d been stirring it so much since they�d arrived, Harry was sure the cup was going to shatter any moment now.

He�d accepted Lupin�s request for company mainly to get out of the house. Relations between him and Draco had gone ice-cold and Snape, being Snape, had taken Draco�s side, maintaining that Harry was his own worst enemy at the moment. This wasn�t exactly helpful, since he knew it already. Sick to the eyeballs of the two of them, Harry had grabbed Lupin�s invitation like a lifeline. But now that he was here... well, there wasn�t a lot either of them could talk about without dredging up bad memories.

If anything, Lupin looked older than he�d been the last time Harry had met him. Grey heavily peppered his hair, adding about thirty years to his age, and his face was deeply lined, making his expression constantly weary. But there was a hint of the old spark in his eyes, a silent reassurance that things hadn�t yet reached rock-bottom.

Unfortunately, Harry hadn�t any of Lupin�s optimism. Rock-bottom felt quite comfortable from where he was sitting.

�Harry?� Lupin asked.

�Yes,� Harry sighed, �we had an argument, if that�s what you�d call it. He thinks I�m not letting go. That I�m holding on because of guilt.� You allow them to dictate your life�you�re so guilty over all the deaths that you can�t let go. You figure that as long as you�re still having nightmares, you�re repaying the deaths. Draco�s voice filled his head and Harry grimaced, wishing just covering his ears would be enough to get him to shut up. But things were rarely that easy.

�Well, he�s right,� Lupin replied, and Harry�s head jerked up, his eyes wide.

�What?� he cried, staring at Lupin. �Not you, too?�

�Draco�s right,� Lupin said calmly, meeting his gaze levelly. �This guilt-complex you seem to have isn�t doing you, or anyone else, any good. You have to let go eventually, Harry, or you�ll destroy yourself.� The worry was back in his eyes, but Harry couldn�t find the energy to be angry. All he could do was stare at this man who�d been a mentor and a father to him, once, before hell came.

Harry stared shaking his head. �I can�t,� he said, just shaking his head over and over again. �I can�t, I can�t, I can�t.� It was getting harder to ignore the burning in his eyes. �If I do... then I won�t remember.� He stared into his teacup, watching the dark red liquid�when did he decide giving up milk was a good idea?�swirl around in the pale china. He couldn�t remember the last time he�d felt this bleak.

Wait, hang on, yes he could. Staring down Voldemort�s wand, aware that if he didn�t do something quick, there would never be anything for him to do ever again.

How was he to let go, when everything he did reminded him of what he wanted to forget?

�Yes,� Lupin snapped, his face beginning to tighten, �you can. I never wanted to do it like this, but wake up, Harry. Life goes on, like it does for the rest of us. You have to face the future, not chain yourself to the past. You�re the only one who�s still there.� His expression softened. �Please, Harry, because I don�t think I could bear losing you, too.�

There was a delicate tinkle and Harry looked down to see broken china and red tea in his hands. If he thought about it the right way, the tea looked like watery blood. He didn�t even remember lifting up the cup, but he must have.

Aware that if he didn�t move now the burning in his eyes would become something much more solid, Harry rose to his feet and fled. No, he ran, because that was always what he did. Upon reaching a brick wall, he turned tail and ran, instead of trying to climb over it.

* * * * *

Diagon Alley really wasn�t the sort of place Harry imagined he would ever get lost in, but it didn�t take him very long to realise this was what had happened. Another strike against me, he thought gloomily, walking along a street that no longer seemed familiar. Maybe this was because it really wasn�t familiar, he realised, jerking to a stop.

Oh, crap, was the first thing that came to mind. Trust me to get lost in a place I�ve been coming to for God knows how long.

It took him nearly an hour, but he finally realised he�d wandered into Knockturn Alley and then gone down a few side-streets to the knowledge that he had no bloody clue where he was. Marvellous. Even better was the fact that several people were looking at him oddly. The skin at the back of his neck was positively crawling, and the sinking feeling in his stomach was only getting worse. Not good, not good at all.

To appease the increasing churning in his stomach, Harry quickly slipped into a side alley, leaning against the wall and trying to calm himself down. Okay, breathe... in... out. Think. There has to be a way to solve this. The only problem was that he couldn�t think of any. He couldn�t exactly ask someone the way out, since they would then know he wasn�t supposed to be here. And he wasn�t even going to think about what would happen then...

An inquiring yip made him look down and he found himself looking at a Crup. The dog sat on its haunches and stared up at him, one ear cocked in interest. It was a quite young Crup and possibly owner-less, since it still had a forked tail which whipped back and forth in goodwill.

�Er... hello,� Harry said, bending down so he was balanced on his heels. �What are you doing here all alone?� He reached a hand out and hesitantly stroked the Crup, who blatantly preened at the attention. It looked healthy enough, Harry decided, noting the gleaming dark coat and alert golden eyes. A bit unusual, but otherwise normal.

He almost laughed. A bit unusual, but otherwise normal; that just about described himself.

The rustle of cloth and a hiss of breath made him jerk his head up, and Harry found himself staring up at a wand pointed at him. He looked farther up to the mask of a Death Eater. He went cold, remembering too late that not all of them had been captured. His breath turned shallow, as he felt his eyes widen slightly.

Ginny, surrounded by Death Eaters, all their wands pointed at her...

�Well, well, well... Harry Potter.� A hoarse laugh came from behind the mask. �It seems my luck is in today.�

Harry swallowed, thinking frantically, Don�t move, don�t move, don�t move.

The Crup, its ears flattened, growled quietly, baring its fangs. The Death Eater glanced down sharply, and Harry knew what was going to happen. With a savage kick, the Crup went sprawling into the opposite wall.

The Crup let out a shriek as light burst from the wand, aimed straight at it.

George�s screams as Fred went down...

The shriek abruptly stopped.

Hermione on the ground, having fallen without even a cry....

As the wand came back to point at him, Harry knew he was going to die.

* * * * *

The darkness clung to him, stubbornly refusing to let go. Harry struggled, somehow knowing he was supposed to reach the light and the air, fighting to get loose. Let me go! he thought furiously. Let me go!

He awoke with a gasp, just as the darkness let him go.

It took him several moments to realise he was back in his own room at Snape�s home. He glanced at the window and saw the sun was sinking into the horizon, turning the sky into a tapestry of orange, red, yellow, blue and indigo. Fire and cold. Good and evil... or something. He no longer really knew where one ended and another began.

Like Draco, he thought absently. Draco was supposed to be on Voldemort�s side, but he ended up fighting with us. Maybe things are just grey, instead of black and white.

But the Death Eater was the exception to that. Harry shivered, remembering the wand pointing straight at him and the agonised shriek from the Crup.

He then wondered exactly why he wasn�t dead.

Then he realised he wasn�t alone in the room.

�Hello.� Draco gave him a grim smile. �Remember me?�

�Draco,� Harry said, and knew in an instant he was going to pay for his moment of extreme foolishness. �I... what happened?�

�Lupin followed you,� Draco replied in a cold, polite voice that warned he was going to explode at any moment. �Shall I tell you how very stupid you were running from him, not to mention running straight into Knockturn Alley?� The coldness of his voice was definitely becoming edgier... not good. His control was starting to slip.

�I... I forgot,� Harry muttered. In hindsight it looked so bloody stupid to run off on his own that it wasn�t even funny. �I wasn�t thinking...�

�Damn right you weren�t!� Draco yelled, his self-control finally crumbling. �If Lupin hadn�t been smart enough to go after you, you could have been killed!� He looked so angry that for a moment Harry thought he was going to hit him.

�I�m sorry!� Harry yelled back. �I don�t know what else to say; I think it�s pretty damn obvious that I�m a mess!� To his shame he could feel burning in his eyes again, but refused to give in. Definitely not in front of Draco, the absolutely last person he would ever want to be near if he cried.

Draco squeezed his eyes shut and took several deep breaths. He looked like he was counting to ten�no, make that hundred. �Okay. Let�s start again. Pretend you�ve just woken up and I didn�t just explode.�

Harry stared at him, blinking rapidly. �How the hell do you expect me to do that?�

�Oh yes, I forgot.� Draco sighed heavily, rubbing the bridge of his nose. It suddenly occurred to Harry that Draco looked severely near exhaustion. He was paler than normal (if that was possible) and he�d dark smudges under his eyes.

Harry gritted his teeth. �I�m sorry that I�ve been so much... hassle. The last thing you must want is to have to keep an eye on me all the time,� he said quietly.

Draco raised an eyebrow. �Harry Potter, apologising. I guess the world can now end properly.� Harry slowly grinned, which Draco returned. �Here,� he said, reaching for a mug. �Tea. I tried to bring in coffee, but Snape wouldn�t let me. Said he�d be damned if you�d be bouncing off his walls.� Harry rolled his eyes. It was a typical thing for Snape to say.

Taking a sip of the liquid, Harry grimaced as he tasted sugar and milk, but couldn�t very well hand it back. He sipped slowly, letting himself readjust to taking milk and sugar again. Talk about going full circle.

�Thank you,� he said at last, �for everything.�

Draco shrugged. �It was nothing. I just wish you�d stop this suicide mission crap. It�s getting to be a real pain.�

Harry laughed in spite of himself. �I�m trying, honest.�

Neither of them tried to think about how close Harry had come to death, a pretty stupid thing to do considering the war was finally over.

Draco shook his head. �Well, I�ll just have to stay and make sure you really do try. Someone has to knock sense into your head.�

Harry grinned at him, then blinked as something he�d never thought of before just offered a rather strange image in his head. Of himself and Draco... kissing.

Well. That wasn�t really something he�d thought of before. Trying not to let heat spill into his cheeks, Harry stored it in his memory for future contemplation.

The door opened and Snape swept into the room. The limp in his right leg didn�t take away the imposing aura of the man, or maybe that was just the way his robes swirled around him.

He glared down at Harry. �Awake at last. Shall I start by saying what a cursed idiot you are?� he demanded, his eyebrows coming together with an almost audible click.

�Oh, give him a break,� Draco said irritably, propping his face on his fist.

Harry and Snape stared at him, their jaws hanging open.

Draco blinked, before his eyes widened. �Please tell me I didn�t just say that out loud?�

�I�m afraid you did,� Snape said, looking alarmingly dazed.

�With your mouth and actual sound,� Harry added wickedly, as Draco glared at him with an expression that could have stripped paint. Perhaps the images his mind gave him weren�t far wrong after all.

Harry smiled.