3 TOTALLY EPIC H/D FICS I HAVEN’T WRITTEN THIS YEAR:

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Epic Fic #1: The One Where Draco Gets Turned Into A Bunny.

amalin: just write burrow fic where Harry and Draco try to kiss but keep getting interrupted by Weasley pranks! and then there is mistletoe or something! IDK CHRISTMAS.
two_if_by_sea: MAKE MALFOY A BUNNY.
bookshop: what.

amalin: maybe they are hiding their ~relationship~ from Ron and it keeps being obvious but Ron is TOTALLY DAFT ABOUT IT.
two_if_by_sea: AND MALFOY TURNS INTO A BUNNY!!
bookshop: what.

amalin: and Ron is all, “oh what a cute bunny, let me pet it” and everyone is like, “STOP BEING DAFT RON, THAT’S MALFOY!”
two_if_by_sea: Why would Draco be at the Burrow, though?
amalin: dlkfjsdfsf idk, class project? Maybe he and Harry are already in a relationship, dlkfjsdfsdf barf, and therefore he comes to visit him and Hermione is secretly on their side and brings Draco to work on a “class project” to try and get Harry to admit to their relationship but RON IS TOO DAFT ABOUT IT.

bookshop: THERE ARE TO BE NO WEASLEYS IN THIS FIC!!!!!! Someone else can be daft for once!
two_if_by_sea: why no weasleys
bookshop: No weasleys and no bunnies!! This is a respectable establishment!!!

amalin:
maybe Draco is not even at Hogwarts for 8th year at all, he is working with Percy at the Ministry, and totally against his wll, Percy drags Draco home because he spent years without Weasley holiday cheer and is sad about the prospect of Draco spending Christmas alone, so he is all, “Just come for dinner! I will make my family behave!” or maybe he tricks Draco into coming with him by telling him they are going to a restaurant, because he is becoming a bit less stodgy post-Fred’s death (

and then George turns Malfoy into a bunny and he can’t leave until they figure out how to turn him back into real Malfoy! but Ron arrives late and no one has the heart to tell him that the cute bunny is actually Draco Malfoy because they are afraid that in his daftness, he will explode in anger!

two_if_by_sea: OOH better yet maybe Percy is working on something for the Ministry, and he has to work overtime and Malfoy, WHO IS HIS SECRETARY, has to come home with him, and there is ~magical mistletoe~ that turns Draco into a bunny and only Harry’s kiss will save him~!

amalin: Really I think you should just use the word daft like 600000 times.
two_if_by_sea: In fact bunny!malfoy poops the words daft onto the burrow floor.
bookshop: At the end perhaps normal!malfoy can poop the words “happy holidays!”

amalin:
maybe Harry and Malfoy were having a MOMENT but just as Harry was about to kiss him, he turned into a bunny via some hex, and so now they are trying to figure out how to turn him back while meanwhile Harry is ahving all these conflicted thoughts . . . and they are all keeping it from Ron! And then bunny!Malfoy turns back into real!Malfoy and twitches his nose a little like a bunny, and Percy is all innocently like, “Look, mistletoe!” and Harry helplessly kisses Malfoy and then they look at Ron in horror and Ron is like, “Well, obviously I know you have a crush on Malfoy, DUH, HOW DAFT DO YOU THINK I AM”

two_if_by_sea: I LIKE THIS. MAYBE HE TURNS INTO A HEX BECAUSE GEORGE IS WORKING ON A WEASLEY PRODUCT AND HASN’T FIGURED OUT HOW IT WORKS YET AND IT ACCIDENTALLY MISFIRES.

bookshop: I WOULD TOTALLY WRITE MAGICAL MISTLETOE FIC WHERE DRACO FALLS INTO AN ENCHANTED SLEEP AND NO ONE ACTUALLY NOTICES AND THEN WHEN THEY DO NO ONE WANTS TO KISS HIM

two_if_by_sea: as;dlfkasj;d please write this

amalin: YES, AND THEN GEORGE HAS NO CURE FOR THE HEX YET, and meanwhile Ron is all, “hey a bunny! Gin, is it yours?” and Ginny is helplessly like “Yeees. . . uh, a Christmas present . . . from Percy!” and Ron is like, “Oh what’s its name” and Ginny is like, “Um …”

two_if_by_sea: “It’s… Dray.”

amalin: AND RON IS LIKE, “OH, NICE NAME, THIS BUNNY IS SO SOFT!” and Arthur is like, “SO RON, why don’t you come help me in the shed” and then everybody is like, “SHIT WHAT DO WE DO” and Hermione says, “Honestly!”

two_if_by_sea: And Dray poops on Ginny’s shoes and Ginny is like MALFOY I KNOW YOU ARE DOING THIS ON PURPOSE and Harry is like HE CAN’T HELP IT, HE’S A RABBIT and Ginny is like OMG I’M BREAKING UP WITH YOU >:E

amalin: ldkfjsdfsd perfect. meanwhile Percy feels responsible for rabbit!Draco because he hauled him here as his secretary in the first place, but is simultaneously stressed because he cannot get any work done because HIS SECRETARY IS A RABBIT. I bet Percy would still try to talk work things and be all, “wiggle your ears once if yes, twice if no” and bunny!Draco would just twitch his nose.

two_if_by_sea: a;dslfj so precious. he’d sit bunny!Draco on the parchment and look at it V. V. SERIOUSLY and then Draco would just chew on another scroll.

amalin: lkj;lkhkjlj and Fleur is like, ees zhat ze bunny – i mean, ze boy – ‘oo let zhat werewolf almost kill my ‘usband? LET US MAKE SOUP.

two_if_by_sea: You forgot that she would probably say “keel” XD

amalin: AJA WHERE ARE YOU WE ARE WRITING PERFECTLY GOOD FIC FOR YOU

two_if_by_sea: at dinner harry is like “where’s mal– uh, i mean, dray?” and fleur is like i ‘aven’t a clue! ‘ere, ‘arry, ‘ave some stew. it ees made with rabbit.

amalin: l;kjs;lkhdj and everybody panics but then they just find him on Ron’s lap and everyone is all, . . . . GEORGE WORK FASTER

bookshop: ACTUALLY I DOUBT ANYONE WOULD PANIC EXCEPT HARRY ASKFJLJKLFASDDAD
oh well and percy bc now who will chew his scrolls, i mean help him with his paperwork

amalin: PERCY WOULD PANIC! at that point I think everybody would feel a little responsible for his safety as a poor defenseless bunny — maybe not as much if he were human Draco

two_if_by_sea: and ron would be like “WHAT ARE YOU GUYS PANICKING ABOUT, IT’S JUST A RABBIT.” AND PERCY WOULD BE LIKE IT’S GINNY’S CHRISTMAS PRESENT! AND GINNY IS LIKE, WHAT, MY NEW DRAGON-HIDE BOUND DIARY IS GONE?? AND PERCY IS LIKE NO GINEVRA, YOUR OTHER PRESENT

amalin: anyway at the end Percy could clear his throat and Draco could be all, “Sorry, Potter, I have to go to work, but . . .” AND THEN THEY COULD TURN PERCY INTO A BUNNY

two_if_by_sea:
a;sldkfasd;fajs;dfjas;dlfja;sldkfja;sdf
it wears reading glasses
it’s really adorable
ginny wants to keep it as a pet.

amalin: yesss i was just going to say — Percy as a bunny would totally have glasses! and Harry would all guiltily be like, “just for a few hours . . . ”

bookshop: GOD YOU GUYS THIS IS AMAZING BUT YOU REALISE THAT I CANNOT WRITE BUNNY!DRACO, RIGHT????
amalin: No, we clearly don’t realize that.
two_if_by_sea: YOU RUIN ALL OUR FUN
bookshop: I KNOW
I KNOW
I’M SORRY
SDASFDKSD;SL

samenashi:

THIS IS FUCKED!!!!!!!!!!!!

Epic Fic #2: The One Where They’re In College

Cathy: i am going to send you passive aggressive notes now
Aja: OMG DO IT THAT WOULD BE AWESOME
Cathy: “IS THIS ABOUT THE FACT THAT I WON’T WRITE YOU AMERICAN-COLLEGE-AU!H/D????”
Aja: cathy, everything is about the fact that you won’t write me american college H/D AU
Cathy: as;dflkjas;df WHY DO YOU WANT A STORY THAT WOULD CONSIST OF THEM BITCHING ABOUT ECON PROBLEM SETS AND ENDS WITH THE ECONOMIC COLLAPSE OF THE UNITED STATES and ALSO IN BETWEEN, DRACO EATS RAMEN
Aja: YOU ARE NOT HELPING YOUR CASE
Cathy: THIS IS A TERRIBLE FIC IDEA AJA. the only thing worse than this would be ~harry gives birth to draco~
Aja: =; =; =; =; stop derailing
Cathy: IT IS NOT DERAILING IT IS JUST THE ~FACT~ OF THE MATTER
Cathy: ~ramen~~~
Cathy: draco drinking natty light for the first time a;lkf;sakdf
Cathy: ugh i bet harry is in on a scholarship and the malfoys have a library named after them and hermione is a pre-med with like two majors and two minors
Aja: well of course
Cathy: ron chooses classes by whether or not they start before 10AM
Aja: and ron just coasted in on a random athletic scholarship in some sport NOBODY ever watches or actually plays and just sleeps in and gets stoned all the time
Cathy: a;sdfja;skdfj ohmygod
Cathy: i bet he got in on golf
Aja: YES
Aja: or like TABLE TENNIS
Cathy: except that would rew–
Cathy: ;asdfkja;skdflja;s table tennis a;sdflkaj
Cathy: i could replace quidditch with IM Ultimate Frisbee
Aja: YES YES
Cathy: HARRY CATCHES THE FRISBEE WITH HIS TEETH, DRACO IS FURIOUS
Aja: HARRY AND DRACO AS INTRAMURAL TEAM CAPTAINS–INSTANT HATRED YET SEETHING SEXUAL TENSION. YOU TOTALLY WANT TO WRITE IT
Cathy: no this is a terrible idea
Aja: TERRIBLY AWESOME, YOU MEAN
Cathy: NO I MEAN TERRIBLE a;sdlfkj
Cathy: ohmygod aja can you imagine oliver wood playing beer pong
Cathy: the twins are like SO GOOD AT IT, harry and ron suck, draco is like I DO NOT PLAY THIS GAME but actually he practices in his room because he wants to trounce harry in the round robin they have to play later
Aja: KLDJLKSDJSLAJSDJF YES HE WANTS TO BE THE BEST <3
Aja: THE TWINS WOULD JUST TOTALLY HAVE ONE OF THOSE GRUNGY OFF CAMPUS HOUSES WHERE THERE'S LIKE A BAND PLAYING AT 3AM ALL THE TIME, AND TENNIS SHOES ON ALL THE TELEPHONE WIRES, THEY WOULDN'T ACTUALLY GO TO SCHOOL
Cathy: ohmygod a;ldkfj of course not
Aja: THEY'D JUST HANG OUT ON CAMPUS ALL THE TIME AND INVITE CHICKS BACK TO THEIR PLACE AND SELL WEED
Cathy: ugh they're totally going to be the bill gates/steve jobs of this universe-- drop out of school, start a company in their garage
Aja: YES
Cathy: it's so WRONG AJA
Aja: YOU SAID "GOING TO BE", OBVIOUSLY YOU HAVE ALREADY STARTED
Cathy: this is such a bad idea
Aja: IT IS AN AMAZING IDEA
Aja: DUMBLEDORE WOULD BE THEIR FRESHMAN PHILOSOPHY PROFESSOR WHO'D LIKE TOTTER IN 10 MINUTES LATE THE FIRST DAY, WRITE LIKE ONE WORD ON THE BOARD, THEN TWINKLE AT THEM AND THEN LEAVE. THEN HE'D BE LIKE "SO, DID EVERYONE COMPLETE THE ASSIGNMENT? " THE NEXT DAY
Cathy: ad;fjka;s fdohmygod and hermione's time turner bit coudl just be like, she applies to take like 40 credit hours, fills her every living hour with a class, has some double class slots where it's like, she can skip class and just take the tests
Aja: and yes, harry and ron decorate her study carrel <3 and harry's like 'THEY DON'T EVEN GIVE PRIVATE CARRELS TO UNDERGRADS' and she's like *BLUSH* I GOT SPECIAL PERMISSION
Cathy: asdf; she has one of those ones reserved for phd students where you're not allowed to reshelve her books, she basically lives in library study rooms
Aja: oh my god HARRY'S GODFATHER SIRIUS SWINGS INTO TOWN AND SPENDS THE WHOLE WEEKEND HE'S THERE DRINKING AND FUCKING ALL THE COLLEGE KIDS. HARRY IS LIKE D: AND SIRIUS IS LIKE 'DUDE WHATEVER YOU NEED TO RELAX, HERE, TRY SOME OF THIS WEED'
Aja: meanwhile Pansy SHAVES HER HEAD AND JOINS TAKE BACK THE NIGHT
Cathy: a;dfajks;lerja;gjk;ltkj; ohmygod
Cathy: the ravenclaw is like, the dorm where eall the smart kids move to their sophomore year and harry and ron are like LOLOLOL HERMIONE YOU ARE GOING RIGHT? and she is like =; no i like you guys and they are like sheepishly happy
Aja: awwwwwwwwwwwwwww yes <3
Aja: Gryffindor is the Jock dorm but she doesn't mind. and Hufflepuff is totally the hippy dorm with the vegans and the philosophy majors and the ~progressive~ student movements
Cathy: ohmygod i bet the hufflepuffs-- YES I WAS ABOUT TO SAY. with VEGAN STUDY BREAKS
Aja: and A NO-LEATHER POLICY AK;FSDKF
Cathy: ohmygod and floor meetings where they talk about their feelings and decorate the floor walls and pass snaps cups around
Aja: AND HAVE AN OPEN-DOOR POLICY RA
Cathy: UGH AND ERNIE RUNS FOR STUDENT BODY PRESIDENT
Aja: AND THE SLYTHERINS SABOTAGE HIS CAMPAIGN, AND HARRY IS LIKE LOL AND THEN FEELS GUILTY
Cathy: and cedric wins, of course
Aja: yessssssssss
Cathy: cedric would have to be in gryffindor though
Aja: NO NO NO, CEDRIC RUNS FOR HUFFLEPUFF and ERNIE DECLARES THE ENTIRE SYSTEM IS RIGGED
Cathy: you can't run for president of a dorm as a student body pres.
Aja: NO I MEAN HE RUNS *ON BEHALF* OF HUFFLEPUFF OR WHATEVER
Cathy: a;sdfkja;sdfj he runs on a hufflepuff platform?? environmentally friendly measures??
Aja: THE POINT IS, ERNIE DECLARES A CONSPIRACY AND FORMS AN OUTSIDE PARTY
Cathy: a;sldfkjaf;sld ohmygod meanwhile draco is like ~sniff~ i am above all things, my dad controls everything anyway
Aja: AND THEN WHEN HE LOSES HE PROTESTS TO THE BOARD OF REGENTS sdjf;sj
Cathy: WHILE SECRETLY HE AND LIKE GOYLE AND CRABBE ARE TRYING TO CRACK THE COMPUTER SYSTEM THAT REGISTERS THE VOTES
Aja: yessssss
Aja: they get in and find a note Hermione left weeks ago that’s like “DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT, MALFOY”
Cathy: adf;asjkdf;asdjk draco is like WHEN DID YOU LEARN HOW TO PROGRAM D:
Aja: she’s like PFFT, MY PARENTS ARE PROGRAMMERS and then she and hermione share nerdy programming books a;dflkj ohmygod
Cathy: ohmygod aja draco is clearly a programmer. like obviously this is what it is leading up to. that’s why he doesn’t want to take over his father’s business. he wants to like ~design computer software~. his dad is like “Just buy a company then.” and draco is like NO
Aja: YES, he spends hours holed up in the dark staring at binary code, HIS ROOM HAS LIKE NO LIGHT AT ALL
Cathy: ugh he has one of those terrible rooms where THERE ARE A BAJILLION COMPUTERS AND FANS EVERYWHERE
Aja: AND BLANKETS OVER THE WINDOWS BECAUSE THE LIGHT HURTS HIS EYES
Cathy: his dad like pretends that’s the office and shows everyone the guest room and pretends it’s draco’s–like there are fake pictures and books and pens on the desk. narcissa finds this embarrasing
Aja: dklajdfj;dsjajklfsdkl his dad had them build an extra wing of the dorm so they can pretend it’s draco’s
Cathy: dying dying this is such a horrible idea
Aja: THIS IS THE BEST IDEA EVER
Cathy: and instead of hedwig, harry and ron have an illegal pet named hedwig
Aja: LUNA IS TOTALLY A FASHION MAJOR WHO GOES AROUND WEARING RANDOM OBJECTS ON HER HEAD
Cathy: YES
Cathy: YES
Cathy: LIKE LADY GAGA
Cathy: ohmygod she like channels lady gaga
Aja: AND EVERYONE THINKS SHE’S CRAZY UNTIL SHE LIKE GETS SOME INTERNSHIP AT VOGUE OR SOMEWHERE LIKE ROMY AND MICHELLE AKL;D
Cathy: YES a;slfkja;sdf
Aja: I KEEP THINKING NEVILLE WOULD JUST BE DOING EXACTLY THE SAME THING, LIKE
Cathy: having a toad and losing it
Aja: YES
Cathy: screwing up in chemistry lab
Aja: lolololol
Cathy: failing at frisbee
Aja: hanging out in the greenhouse
Cathy: always forgetting his keys and never getting in anywhere
Cathy: ugh you know that they totally have an RA nicknamed “The Fat Lady”
Cathy: that they wake up in the evenings when they forget their keys
Aja: WAIT GO BACK TO NEVILLE
Cathy: he wants to be an ecology major or environmental studies or something
Aja: he like quietly goes about ignoring everyone else’s crazy, then invents some kind of groundbreaking irrigation technology that blows everyone’s mind
Cathy: ohmygod i just realized that lavender and ron’s thing would still play out EXACTLY THE SAME WAY
Cathy: meanwhile i bet ginny and harry just have awkward party moments
Aja: OH MY GOD PARVATI AND LAVENDER <3 – LAV IS TOTALLY INTO J-POP AND ANIME
Cathy: ohmygod formals
Aja: i want parvati to be like. student body president.
Cathy: and you know that they just have a halloween party called DEATHDAY
Aja: THIS OLD GUY NAMED NICK SHOWS UP AND NOBODY KNOWS WHERE HE CAME FROM
Cathy: and he is a DJ, he like NEVER GETS OLD, no one knows what his problem is
Aja: YES, AND HE JUST STARTS TELLING THEM ABOUT GETTING DOWN IN THE 70S WITH LIKE HENDRIX AND JOHNNY CASH AND EVERYONE IS LIKE WTF
Cathy: ohmygod umbridge becomes the president of the university and she starts shutting down clubs
Aja: AND THE WEASLEYS ARE LIKE PASSING OUT FLYERS AND CHALKING SIDEWALKS TO ~SUBVERT~ HER
Cathy: but she doesn't let them form the IM frisbee teams (((
Aja: omg and harry and draco realize
Aja: they need to
Aja: ..............wait for it
Cathy: BAND TOGETHER?
Aja: YES
Aja: YES
Cathy: no because lucius is personal friends with umbridge!!
Cathy: he wants his son to be nice to her!!
Cathy: he wants his son to have special privileges~!!
Aja: BUT DRACO WANTS HIS OWN LIFE! HE WANTS TO DO THINGS HE WANTS TO DO! HE WANTS TO WORK FOR APPLE!
Aja: OR MAYBE EVEN PIXAR!
Cathy: /YES/
Cathy: ;aldfkj;aslkfdj ohmygod
Aja: dfkjsdkjkadf
Cathy: the weasleys are like PSSHH, WHY DON’T YOU WAIT UNTIL WE START OUR COMPANY
Aja: HE DESIGNS AND ANIMATES LITTLE PAPER CRANES WHEN NO ONE IS LOOKING
Cathy: yessss
Cathy: only harry knows about it
Aja: yes
Cathy: because he caught him doing it accidentally one day
Aja: AND ONLY ACCID-YESSSSS
Cathy: omg harry comes to school and has to move his stuff on his own because the dursley’s won’t come help him move
Cathy: and ron is like ARE YOU TRYING OT MOVE THAT COUCH YOURSELF?? and harry is like ….maybe.
Aja: omg omg yes and the weasleys are all like and SURROUND HIM
Cathy: YES they take him home on breaks because harry doesn’t have a car
Aja: AND THEN MOLLY SENDS THEM BOTH CARE PACKAGES
Cathy: a;dlfj AWWWW
Cathy: omg and percy is like an AIDE IN WASHINGTON DC a;sdfk;asdfjk
Aja: AND HARRY HAS NO IDEA WHAT HE WANTS TO BE BUT HE THINK HE MIGHT LIKE TO DO CRIMINAL JUSTICE, BUT THEN HE GETS SO FED UP WITH THE PROGRAM HE LIKE SNAPS AT PROFESSOR FUDGE AND WALKS OUT
Cathy: a;sdlfkja;sfd YESSSSSS
Aja: AND TRANSFERS INTO, LIKE. AFKA;JFD. PHYS ED
Aja: DKLJFADLFJ OR SOMETHING
Cathy: but then they replace fudge anyway
Cathy: they put in LUPIN
Cathy: asd;f but then lupin gets fired for being HIV positive
Aja: YES
Aja: NO
Aja: I MEAN YESSSS BUT NO
Cathy: then they put in MOODY a;dlfkja;sfdj
Cathy: then they have to fire him because someone threatens a lawsuit a;sdlkfj
Aja: sdkajdfjasldjklajkdajfdajdklsjkljakljdf
Aja: “HE TOTALLY SLAPPED MY KID!”
Aja: “IT WAS FOR SCIENCE!”
Cathy: “TO SEE IF SLAPPING MOUTHY KIDS MAKES THEM SHUT UP >:(”
Cathy: omg lupin and sirius are totally alums, they come back for alum weekend and get totally wasted together, and start hugging each other and weeping
Aja: MEANWHILE SIRIUS AND REMUS FALL IN LOVE AND MOVE IN TOGETHER OFF-CAMPUS AND START A GLBTQ SUPPORT GROUP AND EVERYONE IS SCANDALIZED
Cathy: and harry is like so embarrassed. so so embarrassed.
Aja: and THEN they move off-campus and start a queer support group and the malfoys like FORM AN OFFICIAL PROTEST AT THE CITY COUNCIL MEETING and draco is like *facepalm*
Cathy: a;sdfkja;slfkja;sldfkjasf is hagrid a JANITOR?
Aja: FILCH IS THE GROUNDSKEEPER OBVIOUSLY
Aja: i bet hagrid just like TEACHES ZOOLOGY TO FRESHMEN
Cathy: omg yes–no i bet filch is housing and dining, you know, the department that yells at you if you trash a floor after a party a;sdflkajsdf
Cathy: ugh this is a terrible idea, let us never speak of it again
Aja: GREATEST IDEA, LET US SPEAK OF IT FREQUENTLY <3
Cathy: ugh aja you wouldn't trust me with it if i wrote it!!!! it would end in the economic collapse and the malfoys being bailed out by the feds
Cathy: you could write it and then i coudl mercilessly yell at you for it, this sounds good to me
Aja: perhaps we should WRITE IT TOGETHER AND ACHIEVE HARMONY
Cathy: a;sdfjak ohmygod no, aja, didn't we talk about this already! like one chapter would be WILDLY HAPPY AND EVERYWHERE and then in the next chapter, LUCIUS MALFOY WITHDRAWS DRACO TO GO TO GENEVA FOREVER~~~ -- ad infinitum
Aja: dkljd;kljdkl WHATEVER, that would be pretty awesome. the authors just warring back and forth.
Cathy: as;dflkajs like we don't collude, you post a chapter, i post a chapter--like a terrible rpg with just two players who don't rp
Cathy: meanwhile Kara stares at us in horror when you make remus and sirius open an HIV support group and i cart sirius away to prison for staging violent protests
Cathy: lee jordan works for air america, y/y????
Aja: dfkljadkjfakfjkddjfkl oh my god colin can get a job as one of those college insiders who works with girls gone wild
Cathy: oh dear. the sad thing is trelawney will be exactly the same
Aja: except she will constantly be talking about when she lived out in Oregon in a co-op sustainable living compound
Cathy: so will /binns/ and /madame pince/
Cathy: a;skfdj;a fohmygod gilderoy lockhart...... i am just imagining lockhart like trying to start a white culture class or a men's study class
Aja: he'll have graduated from that bogus university in CA where the guy who wrote 'men are from mars' graduated from
Cathy: as;dfjas;dflajsd YES EXACTLY, HE IS LIKE A WOMEN AND GENDERS STUDIES MAJOR BUT LIKE A MEN AND GENDERS STUDIES MAJOR
Aja: HE'LL HAVE WRITTEN THE MALE EQUIVALENT OF EAT PRAY LOVE, IT'LL BE LIKE EAT PREY LEAVE
Cathy: YES YES YES YES
Cathy: HE WROTE THE GAME
Aja: IT MUST BE DONE, CATHY
Cathy: by you
Aja: YOU WILL HELP YOU WILL ASSIST
Cathy: a;lfkdja;s no i will sit and just yell at you from a corner and demand for the economic recession
Cathy: can hedwig be a white rat or even better can she be a roomba
Aja: IT’S A LITTLE HI-TECH FOR HARRY DON’T YOU THINK
Cathy: fine ((( A PET RAT ((( PLEASE ((
Aja: maybe she could be harry’s alarm clock that runs away!
Cathy: ;akjd;fk ohmygod yes
Cathy: CLOCKY
Cathy: it likes to hide under ron’s bed when it falls off the bedstand and ron is always like NO MAKE IT SHUT UP
Aja: dakklfsd and harry swears it winces whenever ron slaps at it and is very protective
Cathy: omg when umbridge takes over do they trash the room and step on clocky, breaking it forever ((( and they get harry a new clocky BUT IT IS NOT THE SAME (((
Aja: dkjfljdkldjfkldjklasjfskljfkld CATHY NO
NO ONE IS STEPPING ON CLOCKY
Cathy: why
Cathy: but
Cathy: how else does it die
Aja: CLOCKY IS NOT DYING
Aja: NO DYING
Cathy: WHY
Aja: IT IS A HOGWARTS UNIVERSITY AU
Cathy: CLOCKY HAS TO DIE
Aja: UNLESS THERE IS A SCHOOL SHOOTING
Aja: NO ONE IS GOING TO DIEEEEEEEE
Cathy: CLOCKY HAS TO DIE
Cathy: WELL WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO CEDRIC >:(
Aja: what kind of PSYCHOTIC AU WRITER ARE YOU
Cathy: AN ACCURATE ONE
Cathy: can cedric get bitten by a vampire
Cathy: omg aja i just thought of something
Cathy: clearly cedric needs to be teased endlessly for twilight
Cathy: like everyone is convinced he looks just like rpattz
Cathy: and he is like NO I LOOK NOTHING– I LOOK– HE LOOKS DISEASED!!
Cathy: we should make harry try out for the drama department too! then he decides he can’t because they need him to be half naked and harry is like, not comfortable with that
Cathy: rita skeeter has to be like those reporters convinced that like kids are drinking themselves to death and having sex orgies and whatever at the school and she keeps trying to get harry to admit that like
Aja: god yes she like works with the local GIANT MEGACHURCH
Aja: actually maybe that’s umbridge, umbridge totally comes from a giant megachurch
Cathy: yesssssss with a creepy sunday school teacher air
Cathy: asdkflj aja can tom riddle be a student who left a computer virus deeply embedded in the university network
Cathy: also maybe tom riddle can create an AI who finds ginny and ims her–convinces her that she needs to activate the virus
Aja: Also obvs Mr weasley is obsessed with magic
Cathy: obviously.
Aja: Gilderoy should teach a class called Twilight and the American Girl, which Hermione, Parvati, and Lavender all eagerly sign up for, and which Ron convinces Harry to take bc it’s totally a way to meet girls. Then they go to class and are just like ….. and Hermione gets into shouting matches over anti-feminist reactions to the book (and also she is Team Jacob). Gilderoy tries to get Cedric to be a guest so he can talk about what it’s like having people confuse you with a sparkling vampire. Cedric is just like D:
Cathy: ohmygod, and Harry actually kind of reads the first book, because, you know, he feels like he should, and he’s just D: D: D: through it, not because he necessarily understands what’s wrong, he just finds it sort of …dumb……. and then Lockhart jumps all over that and makes Harry act out all the roles that aren’t Edward (because Lockhart is Edward, of course). And then when Cedric comes to the class, Lockhart tries to bond with him, and Cedric is like BUT NO ONE CONFUSES YOU WITH RPATTZ, YOU’RE BLOND.
Aja: Cathy i made a friend at the con! she is an awesome hp artist named sugareey and on the shuttle to the airport she told me all about real-life intercollegiate quidditch and afjkas;fds; IT SOUNDS LIKE THE MOST AMAZING THING EVER AHAHA and the SNITCH IS THIS LIKE CROSS-COUNTRY RUNNER AND/OR GYMNAST THAT RUNS AROUND BASICALLY TRIPPING AND PRANKING THE SEEKERS
Cathy: ohmygod no it is awful! real life quidditch is the worst! it is all the bad parts of lacrosse and none of the good parts of quidditch! namely flying. we played it our last class of hp class and it was /awful. all of us hated it
Aja: awwwww MAYBE YOU WERE ~DOING IT RONG~
Cathy: we played with broomsticks between our legs and then we decided to play with it without, but then we decided that that, too, was awful, because then it really was lacrosse/rubgy
Cathy: we kept hitting each other by accident with our brooms
Aja: AWESOME!!! I WOULD LOVE FOR THAT TO BE IN THE COLLEGE AU. DDD LIKE EVERYONE HATES THE GAME AT FIRST AND THEY ARE LIKE WTF WHY WOULD ANYONE PLAY THIS
Cathy: WHAT
Aja: and OLIVER WOOD IS LIKE dklasjfklafdsj noooooooooooooo GUYS, GUYS, WE JUST HAVE TO STICK WITH IT A WHILE LONGER!!! QUIDDITCH IS A TIME-HONORED HOGWARTS TRADITION!!!!!!
Cathy: omg like quidditch is this cult game, no one knows where it came from, everyone hates it
Aja: YES it is the HOGWARTS THING with this GIANT TRADITION AND MYTHOS
Cathy: and everyone hates it
Aja: and then they’re like djkflajkfdjasfjsd WTF THIS IS SHIT. and the SNITCH IS TERRIFIED OF HARRY AND DRACO.
Cathy: so they switch to ultimate frisbee instead as;dlkajs;dflkjaslfd
Aja: noooooooo
Cathy: you just want me to tell you horror stories for your college au
Aja: I JUST WANT TO PUT IT INTO A FIC AND HAVE THE NEW SNITCH BE A ~GLORIOUS TRANSFER STUDENT NAMED ASTACIA TREMAINE GWENTESSA MALFOY~
Cathy: ajf;lasjdf;laksfjd;alskfjd; a mary sue….
Aja: OBVIOUSLY, because she needs to be FEARLESSSSSSSSS and FLEXIBLEEEEEEEE
Cathy: but then horrified because harry and draco want to smoosh her into the grass even though they hate the game
Aja: and CRAFTY
Aja: nooooo obviously they are like *__*
Cathy: and then she sues the school so they switch to im ultimate frisbee
Aja: YOU JUST WANT HARRY TO CATCH A FRISBEE WITH HIS TEETH
Cathy: yes obvously! i mean he can’t bite whatever-her-name, that’s unsanitary and gross and would traumatize her.
actually he bites her and she sues
so they make them switch to ultimate DDDD
Aja: sasd;djkdjkjsakldjaldj NO >:E
Aja: STOP INFLICTING VIOLENCE UPON ASTACIA TREMAINE GWENTESSA >:O
Cathy: draco never lets him forget this. he is all OH MAYBE GRYFFINDOR SHOULD SWITCH TO HAVING GOLDEN RETRIEVERS SINCE ALL THEIR SEEKERS DO IS BITE THE SNITCH ANYWAY
Aja: maybe they could use a golden retriever as a snitch! it could run around!
Cathy: my ideas are awesome! stop shitting on them!
Aja: YOU HATE MY IDEAS
Cathy: they don’t invite biting or law suits
Aja: LAW SUITS AND BITING ARE NOT RELEVANT TO THIS STORY
Cathy: says you >:(
Aja: HEY
YOU TOLD ME I COULD HAVE THE HARRY POTTER COLLEGE AU
YOU CANNOT TAKE IT BACK NOW JUST BECAUSE I WILL NOT PUT IN BITING
Cathy: i am not saying you can’t have it
i am just saying
biting and lawsuits
Aja: this is how your stories lead to ANGST AND RUINATION
Cathy: like BITING AND LAWSUITS! AND OR ECONOMIC COLLAPSE OF THE UNITED STATES??
Aja: ECONOMIC COLLAPSE OF THE U.S. IS A ~TERRIBLE IDEA~
Cathy:
Aja: >:E

Epic Fic #3: The One Where There’s Speed-Dating

(omg i want to write college!AU SO BADLY. so badly. DRACO ANIMATING LITTLE CRANES THAT HE PROGRAMS TO SHOW UP ON HARRY’S DESKTOP, AND HARRY IS LIKE ????? AND THEN HE FIGURES IT OUT DDDDD <333333333333333)

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Posted by bookshop on Jul 26, 2010 in draco, fic, harry potter, hp fandom | 0 comments