Name: Sorceress Fantasia
Email:
Homepage: Finally Fantasia
Title: Past, Present, Future
Word count: 1275
Category: vignette
Warnings: slight angst, Duo POV
Did I offend someone?
Because whoever registered me for history classes in this school has obviously got some serious grudge against me, not to mention a good idea for anger management. Either that, or he is seriously in need of a dictionary to understand what ÔŅĹhateÔŅĹ actually means.
The guys all know I hate history, though theyÔŅĹve no idea of the reason. It was during one of those ÔŅĹbondingÔŅĹ sessions Quatre tried to get us into, when we talked about the little things that we liked and disliked that this little secret about me came out. It was meant to be an offhand, casual remark, but all of them suddenly looked at me wide-eyed and confused. I never did explain though, and they didnÔŅĹt ask either. It was just that; we mentioned things, but we donÔŅĹt talk about them.
So why would they register me for the damn subject?
ÔŅĹMust be HeeroÔŅĹs doing. I swear he just loves to torture me. And maybe heÔŅĹs hoping that IÔŅĹll get so frustrated at him IÔŅĹll yell my answer at him. HeÔŅĹs a curious puppy whoÔŅĹs also irritating as hell; thatÔŅĹs what he is.
Jerk.
He doesnÔŅĹt understand. He doesnÔŅĹt understand how I feel when I read history books and learn about things that happened ages ago, things that wrought a change big enough in our world, our society to rank it a place in the books. They say that we learn from our mistakes when we study history, so that we donÔŅĹt make the same mistakes again. They also say that it lets you understand your world better, of how things came to be the way you know it.
I beg to differ.
If it were that easy to learn from our mistakes, why do people still wage wars, even when they know the consequences? Understanding the world better? It doesnÔŅĹt fix my gundam, it doesnÔŅĹt put food on my table, it doesnÔŅĹt help me win my battles. So why do some people place so much importance on a subject that doesnÔŅĹt do anything for them?
Or maybe it helps them pass their time and rouse their interest? Maybe they learn it for that reason.
I wouldnÔŅĹt know, wouldnÔŅĹt understand, since IÔŅĹve never had the chance to learn things for the sake of passing time or that it stirs my interest. Other street kids would tell you the same thing. If something didnÔŅĹt give you food or money in return, it wasnÔŅĹt worth doing, no matter what.
People have told me that itÔŅĹs the simple things in life that makes us happy and satisfied. Maybe thatÔŅĹs true. You donÔŅĹt necessarily need to have the biggest diamond ring on your finger to know that youÔŅĹre married to the one you love. You donÔŅĹt need to have the grandest mansion in the neighborhood to be sheltered from the elements and who knows what is lurking in the streets at night. For some people, happiness is knowing youÔŅĹre in love and being loved back, having a roof over your head and food on the table. After all, the happiest of people donÔŅĹt necessarily have the best of everything. They just make the best out of what they have.
So even as a street brat, I was happy. Contented, rather, because I had what I really needed: the small things in life. Like myself, for instance. The fact that I never sold myself, never sold my soul to the streets of L2 was one of the things I prided myself on. Other than that, food could be stolen and water drank from leaking pipes. There could have been more, but I was contented with what I had.
Sure, there were the big things in life that I completely missed out: parents, family, a house to go home toÔŅĹ But it was fine; I had substitutes for all those: Father Maxwell and Sister Helen, Solo and the rest of the kids, the Maxwell Church and later the numerous safe houses. While they werenÔŅĹt an exact fit for the big things like the textbook demands, it was enough for me.
I donÔŅĹt need things that big.
Because bigÔŅĹ doesnÔŅĹt always mean good.
Only revolutionary big things are written into history books, no matter what event it is.
Like the big and never ending famines of Africa, the floods of China, the earthquakes, the firesÔŅĹ Like worldwide stock market crashes, financial crises. Like wars.
Like the one we have raging on right now, outside the rose-tinged windows of society on earth and the safe heaven of homes parents try to create for their children.
Every time I read a history book, my mind leads me down somewhere I donÔŅĹt want to be. The future. Or rather, the future that could have been, had people not done things they way they did.
ItÔŅĹs like the Trojans. Legends state that the Trojans and the Greeks had gone to war for the sake of Helen, the most beautiful woman alive, and neither seemed willing to give in to the other. The city of Troy stood tall despite being under siege for over a decade, yet it fell quite completely when the Greeks tricked them into taking a wooden horse, along with the thousands of soldiers hidden within, into the city walls.
If they had listened to the prophetess Cassandra, if they had investigated what was actually inside the wooden horse, if they had been more careful, if they hadnÔŅĹt taken the wooden horse into their cityÔŅĹ Troy might never have fallen.
Was it not the same for the assassination of Heero Yuy? Had they been more cautious of the security that day, had been more alert, had been quicker to call for help, who knows how today would be like?
No war, perhaps? Less fighting, maybe?
ItÔŅĹs times like these that I think of how things could have been, how many of the things that we know have happened could have been prevented or made betterÔŅĹ how many of those events could have turned out differently had the people done something, just one small thing, in another way.
I fear that, one day, when our time becomes a page in a history book, when the magnificence of the gundams are but mere printed pictures and our names forgotten, the people will point to what we did, what we tried doing, and say, ÔŅĹIf only they had done it differentlyÔŅĹÔŅĹ
Maybe all of us, all five of us, have thought of life this way before. ThatÔŅĹs why they didnÔŅĹt ask for a reason back then, for why I didnÔŅĹt like history. Maybe thatÔŅĹs the reason for the wide eyesÔŅĹ surprised by how another person has had the same thoughts before.
Wufei suggested once, when I was alone with him, that we may be more alike than we cared to admit. Perhaps he was right.
I donÔŅĹt like the past. It doesnÔŅĹt give me anything but the bitter agony of knowing the way my life has come to be. Yet at the same time, I fear the future for it is bleak and hazy, and I cannot see past the war. Worse, I can see myself painted as a mass murderer in history books. Or maybe the gundams would be completely wiped out of existence by the new government, and we are all but forgotten shadows who did more harm than good.
ThatÔŅĹs why I want the present to last. I want to live for the moment. DonÔŅĹt ask me about yesterday, because I donÔŅĹt want to remember it. DonÔŅĹt ask me about tomorrow, because I donÔŅĹt want to think about it.
Just let me live in today.