Written for the GWYaoi OTP contest

Ghost

"Shit!" He swung the scythe wildly, the great black machine struggling now to evade the oncoming Serpents. It was tempting to just batten down the hatches, furl 'Scythe's wings and let the Active Cloak take care of deflecting their fire, but that got their cause exactly nowhere.

A harsh cry of warning from Quatre echoed over the open com, and Duo gritted his teeth, slamming the butt of the beam scythe backwards into the faceplate of an oncoming suit.

"Damn, damn, damn!" The damn things were just everywhere, and Duo didn't need Quatre to tell him that the Gundams were slowly being pushed back. He shifted in the pilot seat, straining forward to shift Deathscythe into a flight-ready stance, and yet again came up against the harness. "Fuck, never thought I'd be sorry to have gotten taller! Come and get some, you bastards!" he yelled furiously, slamming the Verniers onto full power and bracing the scythe in a horizontal position.

Snow and sparks flew wildly before him as he barrelled through the ranks of Serpents, four cries of "Duo!" warning him before he could go head-first into a building. It wasn't as if a little collision like that could hurt Deathscythe much, but it might slow him up a little. Duo pulled a sharp turn, wheeling on the tip of one wing and returning to the plaza where the other four were entrenched, gaining enough height to swoop down on another cluster of attacking suits, decapitating them neatly.

They weren't doing well, he knew, cursing volubly as he came up against the too-short harness again, impeding his reach and the Gundam's. "Come on 'Scythe buddy, stick with me here," he muttered, one hand yanking at the webbing of the shoulder straps, trying in vain to stretch a little more give from them. In the year since their last battle, Duo had grown; not by all that much, granted, but enough to salve his pride a little. Too much, it had emerged shortly after the Gundams had been recovered, to fit into the safety harness that had been tailored to his slighter fifteen-year-old form. There had been no time then to do more than let the straps out to their full length, and there was nothing that could be done about it now; he just had to put up with being cramped.

Deathscythe rocked under a hail of bullets, Duo's fingers automatically telling the mecha to retreat, pulling the wings in close to try and deflect some of the artillery. "Shit! Q, any ideas?!" The Serpents seemed to be endless; for every suit they disabled a dozen seemed to take its place. Coming up against the harness again as he tried to stretch for a leap, Duo snapped. Fuck this, I can't deal with this and fight at the same time! He slapped at the catches, fumbling with the quick-release switch, and finally he was free.

"Hah! Come see this!" Feet braced the Gundam and he pushed off from the earth, firing the verniers in bursts and making swooping dives at the encroaching suits, taking out a few each time he came at them and slowly forcing them back, relying on inertia and momentum to keep himself in his seat. With their attention divided between the sky and the ground, the Serpents were at the mercy of Sandrock and Heavyarms, working in concert as they had so often before. For a moment Duo wished for his own partner's aid, but wherever Heero was it wasn't here, and now wasn't the time for wishing. His gut still ached a little when he stretched to make the wide slashing sweeps that could take out four or five suits at a time.

Sparing a glance for the system readouts on his side console, Duo muttered a curse; at this rate he wouldn't last much longer, and he doubted the others could really have much left either. He heard himself whispering to his Gundam, trying to coax more out of his oldest friend, heard the chatter of warnings and curses over the com as the other pilots desperately tried to keep a handle on the situation. Even Trowa was swearing at the top of his lungs, Duo thought with detached amusement, and then his heart jumped into his throat as a titanic crash of metal and a far too familiar scream echoed through his cockpit.

"Quatre!" Four voices yelling in unison, and everything suddenly seemed to be happening at once. Duo had Deathscythe half turned, still retreating slowly; he could see Sandrock slumped against the side of a building, Noin's Taurus trying to fight through the Serpents to its aid. He could hear Quatre's voice over the com, reassuring them, mixed with Trowa's panicked shouting and the buzz of machine-gun static. Something was beeping; there was a familiar shadow on the proximity sensors, but Duo had no time to call a greeting or warning because right then the world exploded.

Deathscythe Hell rocked under a storm of fire, the Serpents pressing in as they sensed distraction, and either the stress was finally taking its toll on even Gundanium, or one of them got in a lucky hit. All Duo knew was that there was an echoing bang of impact, and then the ominous sound of a chain reaction setting off, explosions both over his head and beneath his feet as Deathscythe was brought to shuddering halt. The entire Gundam vibrated, Duo was shaken in his seat like a rat in a terrier's mouth; the engines whined with overload, building to a shriek as red warning lights filled his vision. Duo had the presence of mind to cover his face with his arms just as the feedback spiked and the consoles blew in an explosion of sparks and jagged, burning metal.

He was slammed back into his seat by the force of the blast, knocking his head against the unyielding metal. Pain filled his world as white noise filled his ears and smoke his lungs, a thousand burning knives stabbing into his body. The last thing Duo knew was the rasping gurgle of his own strangled screams.

***

The next thing he was really conscious of was a sensation of floating, a curious feeling of detachment. Drugs, his mind labelled it, and instinctively he tried to fight, to drag and claw his way back to reality. There was nothing before his eyes but swirling greyness, and it panicked him, memories of holding cells and interrogations flickering in his mind, the sound of his own moans echoing in his ears.

Voices came to him in the darkness, soothing familiar voices, telling him to relax, that he was injured, in a hospital. They spoke to him of safety, and lulled by the soothing monotones he drifted off again, rocked to sleep by the drifting currents of the darkness.

***

Pain woke him with an unpleasant shock; it felt like he'd been eviscerated. He tried to double up around it, but hands pressed him down, strange voices talking over him as he tried to crack open his eyes. Something tugged at his arm, he felt the sharp bite of a hypodermic, then spreading coolness that began to wash away the agony in his abdomen. He sighed, tense muscles relaxing.

"Duo?" That was his name, there was someone talking to him, and he struggled to open gummy eyes.

"Yeah?" he croaked out, blinking at the blurred image above him. It slowly resolved itself into a woman's face, concerned blue eyes and honey-blonde hair floating over a white coat. Sally? What�?

"Good, you're awake." Her eyes flicked to something outside his field of vision, and he tried to lift his head to see more, but his muscles didn't seem to want to work.

"Where�?" His voice felt so rusty; Duo frowned, wondering how long he'd been out.

Sally turned back to him, still wearing that annoyingly concerned expression. "You're in hospital � the Veinte Memorial Hospital in Brussels. You were injured in the battle, Duo � that was three days ago now. The others brought you here."

"Oh." Injured� "How bad is it?" Duo tried to look her in the eye but had difficulty turning his head; whatever they had given him sure was strong.

Sally sighed, pulling a chair up to the bed and settling herself in it, close enough so that Duo could see her easily. "How much do you remember about what happened?"

He closed his eyes. "I was fighting with the other guys � Zechs and Noin were there too. They were wearing us down � one of the Serpents must have got in a lucky hit. My� console exploded�?" All he could remember after that was smoke and pain and darkness. "I guess I must have passed out."

"Well, it's not as bad as it could have been." Sally fiddled with the fastenings of her doctor's coat, and Duo belatedly thought to wonder what a Preventer Agent was doing here, even if she was a medic. He could see the collar of her uniform jacket beneath the white coat; why wasn't she out with her team clearing up this mess? Was he such a mess that they had needed her here more? Shit�

"You have extensive shrapnel wounds from the waist down. Some of the abdominal injuries were tricky; you're going to be in here for a week or so while they monitor for infection. And�" She trailed off; Duo had paled, remembering.

"From the� waist� down?" Did that mean what he thought? Please, God�

Sally looked� unhappy. And a little embarrassed. "Quatre said you weren't wearing your harness�"

Shit. It was bad, and he could remember now, the agony in his groin that had preceded his dive into unconsciousness. Duo swallowed heavily, realising that his eyes were squeezed tightly shut. I'm seventeen, he whispered silently to himself. Please, God, if you exist at all, this cannot be happening.

"It's really not as bad as it could have been," Sally was hastening to reassure him. "They rushed you straight into surgery, you're going to be fine. The specialist � Doctor Degetz-Hocking � will probably be by to talk to you in a few minutes. Don't worry, you're going to be fine."

Duo swallowed again. "OK." This was just like all the other shit life had dumped on him over the years, he had to treat it the same way. Put on a brave face, joke about it, pretend everything's just fine and dandy. The first rule he had ever learned � don't ever let anyone see you hurting. Sally seemed a little relieved as he dredged up a smile from somewhere; this couldn't really be very comfortable for her either, having to tell a friend he'd been� no, he wasn't going to think about that. Keep the mask on, keep smiling, after all it could be worse. He could be in pain, he could be dead, and even if he thought he'd rather be dead than� incapable� Duo had to cling to the reassurances she's given him. She'd said he was going to be OK, and Sally could be trusted. He had to believe her.

"Hey, Sally," he murmured thickly, feeling the drugs beginning to take hold again and trying to squash his instinctive urge to fight. "What're you doing here anyway? I mean, I kinda figure we won and all, since you're here and I'm not dead, but what happened? Where's the others?"

She laughed, and there was relief in the sound. "Yes, we won. And I think Quatre Winner would be in here right now if I hadn't ordered him to go get some rest. He kept insisting it was his fault for getting you into this."

"That's Quatre." Duo dredged up a laugh from somewhere, trying to keep his face open and relaxed despite the drugs and the gnawing ache that was resurfacing in his abdomen. He knew his mask was good; he'd had years of practice, and Sally couldn't see through it. Only Heero had ever been able to see the real Duo � and he wasn't going to think about Heero now either. Sally was still talking, and he forced himself to listen.

"Wing Zero got there just after you were hit. Heero took out the shielding on the palace and he and Lady Une were able to rescue Vice-Minister Darlian and take Mariemaia into custody � Dekim Barton was killed by one of his own men. It was all a bit of a mess, and the cleanup's going to be some job, but everything's more or less back to normal by now."

"Heh, cool." I will not ask about him I will not I will not�"What's Heero up to, then?" The memory of a fist in his gut seemed to burn even more than the knowledge of his current helpless situation.

"Oh, he's with Relena." Sally grinned at him cheerfully, as though to say 'at least something went right.' "She's taking care of him, and we all thought we should leave them alone for a while; we're busy enough as it is."

"Yeah," Duo muttered, feeling something twist inside him. "Sure." Damn, his smile was fading again, and suddenly it was too much effort to keep it in place. He closed his eyes wearily, laying his head back down on the pillows and repeating his new mantra to himself. I won't think about it. I won't think about it� He drifted.

***

"Mr Maxwell?" A voice roused him, low and friendly with a faint Germanic accent. Duo opened his eyes to more hospital ceiling. Sally was gone, and a slight woman in casual civilian clothes with a white coat slung over one shoulder was looking down at him.

"Yeah?" he managed to croak.

"Good, you're awake." She smiled, dark curly hair bobbing about her face as she looked around for a chair. "I'm Sarah Degetz-Hocking; I'm a specialist in reconstructive surgery. Ordinarily, we'd have a male doctor speak to you about something like this, but the medical profession is so thinly spread after the wars that I'm afraid we simply don't have anyone else available. That is all right, isn't it Duo? � I can call you Duo, can't I? 'Mr Maxwell' sounds like he should be thirty years older than you." Her smile was bewitching; Duo was sure she couldn't be much more than twenty-five or so.

"Yeah, sure. You gonna tell me what the damage is? I know something's up�" and I'm just gonna pray that I will be too one day soon�

"Yes, of course." She sat down in the chair Sally had vacated, settling a manila folder on the bed by his side. "You know that you received extensive shrapnel wounds in the battle? Good, well I should tell you first that we were able to repair most of the damage. Unfortunately, you were unlucky enough to suffer some severe trauma to the genitalia along with your other injuries. The zipper of your trousers provided you some protection, but because of the nature of your wounds we had to operate immediately to remove several pieces of shrapnel from this area." One of her hands hovered a discreet distance above his blanket-covered crotch. "You're relatively lucky in that the explosion was fairly minor and the metal shards produced correspondingly small. Are you with me so far?"

Duo nodded weakly, feeling rather sick and trying not to picture what he must have looked like when Quatre had gotten him into the hospital � what he must still look like now. Not going to think about it�

"Good" The doctor smiled at him again, opening the folder and picking up a piece of paper. "Now, as I say you had some injuries to the genitalia, but we were able to repair most of the damage in surgery. The good news," she looked up at him with a grin, "is that there should be no loss of� function, shall we say� whatsoever. Even for a healthy teenage boy like yourself."

The release of a tension he hadn't known he'd been feeling made Duo sigh with unadulterated relief, blushing furiously in the next second as the woman grinned over at him. His fingers twitched to find his braid, but his arms wouldn't move, and he realised they were strapped to the bed. He craned his neck, trying to see. "Um, can I have my hands back?"

"Hmm?" The doctor looked up from her papers. "Oh, of course. Your right arm needs to stay where it is; you've got an IV in it." She moved around the bed, releasing the buckles that held his left arm, and Duo sighed again, lifting his hand with an effort to run it through his hair. It felt like a complete mess, but he knew he had no way to straighten it out right now, much less wash it.

"Thanks, Doc."

"Sure. Just don't touch your bandages, OK? Good." Her voice became suddenly sober, and Duo twisted his head to look at her. "Like I said, that was the good news. The bad news� well, there are two things. Firstly � I have to tell you that there was some serious damage to the testicles before we repaired them, and although it shouldn't affect normal functions, I'm afraid that at this point it's looking unlikely that you'll be able to have children naturally. I'm sorry."

Duo blinked, taking that in. "O� Okay." Absently, he wondered why there suddenly seemed to be a pain in his chest. It wasn't like having children was something he'd ever considered, even as a possibility. "It doesn't really matter much, I suppose." Damn, it was an effort to shrug this off; why had it blindsided him so badly? "I mean, I'm gay anyway, and an orphan; adoption was always gonna be the route to go down if that was ever even going to happen�" He realised his fingers were clenched tightly around his braid, and made an effort to convince them to release. Stupid, to suddenly miss something you'd never wanted when you had it. Duo no baka.

Heero� no.

"What else?" Duo demanded wearily; the doctor caught his gaze and nodded sympathetically.

"The other piece of bad news is that I'm afraid there will be some scarring. Even with advanced plastic surgery techniques, we can't eliminate wounds altogether, and you had some pretty nasty ones. The scars should fade over time, and we can give you some treatments to help that along, but we can't work miracles, Duo."

Scars. Oh, just what he'd always wanted. A body to match his soul. Fuck, he couldn't think about this now. Be like Heero, Duo told himself. Be logical. Listen for the data and leave the emotions out of it.

"What this means for you," the doctor was saying quietly, "is that you're going to be in here for a while. We'll need to change your dressings regularly, and monitor for infection. Because you've got stitches, and because your tissues are still healing, we're going to have to take some measures to keep you from putting any stress on them, all right? You've got a catheter in right now, and enough local anaesthetic to keep the area completely numb. Tomorrow, though, we're going to have to start you on some hormonal drugs which will keep you from getting, how shall I put it, 'happy.'"

She was grinning at him again. Duo was sure his face must be tomato red by now; he mumbled something and she seemed to take it as understanding.

"I'm afraid I have to instruct you not to undertake any sexual activity whatsoever for the next two months, to give your body time to heal completely. Because of your age, we'll give you the hormone treatments to make absolutely sure of that, all right? The last thing you'll want is to cause yourself any extra pain or damage by� well, I'm sure you know what I mean. Yes?"

Duo nodded fervently, hoping that this interview would soon be over. Damn, seventeen years old and chemically castrated. This so should not be happening.

"Very good." The evil doctor woman smiled at him again, pleased, and shrugged her arms into the sleeves of her white coat, pulling latex gloves from the pockets and snapping them onto her hands with a chilling sound. "Now, let's see how you're doing." And she went to pull the sheet down.

Duo gave a blurt of surprise, reaching out to stop her and inadvertently trying to sit up. The pain in his stomach and thighs stopped him, and he collapsed back into the pillows with a groan, his eyes wanting to roll up in his head. Fucking damn, that hurts�

"Easy," Doctor Degetz-Hocking suddenly had her hands on his shoulders, cool through the thin cotton of the hospital gown. "It's all right, Duo. I'm the one who operated on you, remember? I've seen it all before, don't worry."

"Yeah, but�" Talking made the pain ebb a little. "It's� weird. Letting a woman see me naked, even if you are a doctor. Doesn't feel right, you know?"

"Most men feel that way; I think it's the vulnerability." She had pulled back the blanket and was doing something in the vicinity of his hips; all Duo could see from this angle was her profile and he wasn't particularly keen to get a full frontal view of whatever damage had been done to his more personal organs. Just the thought of stitches there made him cringe.

"You do this a lot?" He couldn't feel much except a slight tugging sensation that he thought might be bandages being removed, the occasional light pressure on his hipbones. It was strange as all hell to not have feeling in his groin, to not be aware of any sensation there whatsoever. Like someone had snuck in during the night and castrated him after all, remaking him as some sexless android. Weird.

"Occasionally; this type of injury was more common during the wars than you might think. It was all those mobile suits, with foot pedals and sensitive console equipment," she said absently, poking at him although Duo couldn't feel the contact, for which he was glad. "You're healing nicely. No drainage or stress on the stitches." She pulled the hem of his gown back down, lifting the blanket to his waist.

"I guess that's good, right?"

"Yes. A week and the stitches can come out � don't worry," she added, seeing the sudden pallor of his face, "we'll give you a local for that too. You'll be good as new in no time at all."

"Yeah, two months," Duo muttered, trying not to feel bitter. It was just luck, he told himself� just luck that he was stuck here in the hospital with stitches holding his cock together while Heero was off canoodling with Miss Princess somewhere. Just luck � the same kind he always seemed to have.

"It'll fly past, I'm sure. Do you have any questions? No, then I'll leave you now, OK? If you need anything just buzz for the nurse." She pointed out the button, made some notations on the digital pad over the bed, then left the room, stripping off her gloves as she went.

Duo just lay there for a while, trying to get his head round this. Just when he had thought his life was sorted out, another war had erupted and his world was turned upside-down again. Damn. A little voice somewhere in the back of his head was still insistently shrieking at him, but panic wasn't going to get him out of here any sooner. For a moment Duo wondered whether he should just lift the blanket, look now and get it over with, as he'd have to anyway� but there was no way he could bring himself to it. He dropped his arm limply to his side, letting his eyes fall shut with a sigh. Fucking hell, my life's just coming up roses again and again, isn't it.

He was distracted from his depressing musings by a timid knock. Duo looked up to see Quatre standing in the doorway, his face wearing such an expression of pained guilt and horror that it was almost funny.

"Duo? Can I come in?"

"Sure. Sally said she sent you to get some rest," he observed, seeing the bruises that decorated his fellow pilot's eyes.

"I couldn't sleep much," Quatre admitted, making his way over to the chair by Duo's bedside. "There's so much that needs doing here, and then the company needs direction, and�" he trailed off.

"Quat, you know you've gotta stop trying to do it all yourself," Duo said with a sigh. "Trowa's perfectly willing to help you � where is he, anyway?"

Quatre buried his head in his hands. "He had to go back to X18999 to help Preventers clean up the mess there. I couldn't very well stop him, Cathy's there�"

Duo rolled his shoulders, trying to stretch the muscles. Lying on his back was fast becoming an annoyance. "Well, your sisters and the Directors should know what they're doing, shouldn't they?"

"Yes, but there's so much reconstruction needed here, I've had to order shipments of materials from L4 and MO-9� Allah, what a mess," the shorter pilot muttered miserably, shaking his head. "And you're stuck in here, and that's my fault too�" He lifted his eyes, staring into Duo's imploringly. "Duo, can you ever forgive me? I'm so sorry�" his eyes flickered towards Duo's blanket-covered lap and he winced imperceptibly, tears coming to his eyes.

Duo dredged up a weak laugh from somewhere. "Quatre, it wasn't your fault those Serpents got through. No, really. I knew what I was getting into � we all did, when we came down here. What happened isn't anybody's fault, OK? I'm gonna be fine, and you're gonna go get some sleep, OK? You need it, you're more of a mess than I am."

Quatre stared at him for a moment, then deflated abruptly. "I guess you're right. It's just there's so much of a mess; Preventers have to sort out what to do with all Mariemaia's soldiers, and the mobile suits� and what are we going to do with the Gundams now? Wing Zero's a wreck, but ours are still partly operational, and�"

"Hey, hey Quat! Quatre!" Duo practically shouted. His friend blinked at him. Duo sighed. "Worry about it later. I mean it; get some rest, OK? Or do I have to call Rashid and get him to come babysit you?"

Strangely, that actually got a laugh out of Quatre, although it was weak and exhausted. "All right," he surrendered, levering himself slowly out of the chair. In the doorway, he paused, looking back. Duo was watching him leave with the strangest look on his face, something between sorrow and affection and fear. He couldn't help asking once more, "Duo, are you sure you're OK?"

"I will be." Duo summoned up his grinning joker's mask, relieved when Quatre seemed to fall for it. Privately, he had never been less certain of anything in his life.

***

January 25th AC197

I think I might have been about to do something I would have regretted later. The window blinds were open, and the light reflecting around the sterile white room was giving me a headache. So was Relena; she was rattling on about some political process I didn't quite understand, and entirely failing to give me any new or relevant information. Whatever it was, she seemed quite happy about it, though, so it was probably a good thing. I resisted the urge to squeeze my eyes shut against the light.

I knew where I was, at least; they had told me that much when I came round three days ago. The King Peacecraft Memorial Hospital, in New Port City; apparently Relena had had me brought here after the battle, when I had been unconscious. My condition had been� interesting, according to the doctors. They thought I might have received head injuries; I had been comatose for almost three weeks, recovering from the strain of pushing myself to the limit. Five days without proper sleep, haunted by nightmares, fighting a mobile suit battle, liberating a colony, then merging with ZERO and fighting until my too-frail human body finally gave out.

The ZERO system took a certain toll on the mind. I had never used it unless there was no other option; it was too like a drug. If my hazy memories of Wing Zero's destruction were accurate, I would never use it again. At any rate, in my own mind it was no wonder I had taken so long to recover, but the doctors remained unconvinced. I had suffered three days of poking and prodding, interminable tests and repetitive questioning, and was rapidly growing tired of this. Perhaps it was time to make my exit, before their test results came back and they got too curious about my 'unnatural' strength and accelerated healing.

Relena gave me a smile only slightly less brilliant than the sunbeams, clasping her hands in her lap. "The doctors say you can come home soon, Heero. They just need to run a few more tests, but they say there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with you."

I frowned a little. Why was Relena receiving updates on my condition? Just how much were they telling her? Something else caught my attention, though. "I don't have a home, Relena." The closest thing to a place of my own I had ever had was the cockpit of Wing Zero. That probably said something about me; I made a mental note not to mention it to any psychiatrists on the offchance the hospital or government tried to foist some on me.

The girl's smile faded a little. "That's so sad, Heero. You know that you're welcome to stay in my home at any time, though. I'm not often there now, but�" She was interrupted by a discreet tap on the doorframe, and Pargan stuck his head around it, a headset phone in one hand.

"Please excuse me, Master Yuy. Miss Relena, a call for you�"

Relena frowned. "Drat, I told Andrew to clear my schedule for this afternoon." She rose, leaning over the bed and patting my hand. It put me on edge, as though I was some kind of invalid to be petted and reassured. "You stay right here, Heero," Relena was saying. "I'll be back in just a moment."

My eyes almost rolled up in my head as she swept out of the door. What business did she have clearing her schedule at all, when so much needed to be done? If she needed a break, she should take one instead of wasting her time visiting me in a hospital. Pargan gave me a sympathetic look, following the girl out, and I wondered absently who was in charge of her security at the moment. After the kidnapping debacle, she ought to be watched more closely.

I shut my eyes against the glare, leaning back into the thin hospital pillows that were still more comfort than I'd had through most of my childhood. I might have dozed for a while, still somewhat groggy from the anaesthetic the nurse had insisted on when she removed my stitches. I found it slightly amusing that I had now survived two exploding Gundams and four falls from the sky. Not without scars, though, from any of them.

The sound of a discreet cough from the doorway jerked me back to full alertness. I opened my eyes, glaring warily at the intruder and trying to look like I hadn't been doing anything so mundane as sleeping.

Lady � Commander Une now � was watching me thoughtfully. "Heero, I'm glad to see you're recovered."

"Lady." I nodded shortly, wondering what this visit was about. She looked amused, now.

"I'll cut the small talk. The Vice-Foreign Minister asked me to tell you she's been called away urgently, but she'll be back tomorrow to see you."

I nodded uncomfortably, hoping Relena wasn't too determined to get in my way. I hated disappointing her, but there were things I had to do that didn't involve the Sanc Kingdom or the World Nation. "Yes. Lady, can you tell me what's been happening while I've been in here?"

"Of course." She drew up the chair Relena had been using, crossing her legs neatly. I realised that she was wearing trousers and a casual jacket, rather than the formal Preventer uniform I had last seen her in. Those memories were hazy, though, and I frowned.

"You know that the Barton Foundation's coup was overthrown," she began, fingers steepled under her chin, and I started, flashing back momentarily to memories of my training, mission briefings and interviews with Doctor J. I blinked them away, focusing on the Lady's words, on the here and now. "Dekim Barton was killed, and Mariemaia injured; she's still in the hospital, but expected to recover fully. The current consensus is that she will come to live with me; Dorothy Catalonia and I will have joint custody. It's felt that this way she'll be able to have a normal life while still being watched closely."

I could only blink at her, the memories were so strong. "I thought I killed her," I whispered after what seemed forever. "I shot her, I�"

Lady Une was shaking her head forcefully. "No, Heero. Dekim Barton shot her; you had no ammunition left. You didn't shoot her, Heero."

"I didn't�" I wasn't sure just what expression was on my face right then. I felt� overwhelming relief. A strange lightening of tension. Strange, that with all the death sentences on my shoulders, the lifting of one should be so� calming. I hadn't killed Mariemaia.

"The clean-up operation is ongoing, but it's going to take quite a while," she continued, smiling a little. "There's a lot of reconstruction needed, particularly in Brussels, but it's being taken care of. The most important thing I have to tell you is that your actions in suppressing the coup have been officially recognised as being on behalf of the Preventers and the World Nation. You, Barton, Winner and Maxwell are now considered to have been acting as Preventer Agents for the duration of your intervention. This means, among other things, that you will be paid for it." She lifted her hand as I began to object. "I know you didn't do� what you did, for payment. But this way, no one can accuse you later of terrorist activities or cause you any problems. Clear?"

I nodded reluctantly. Preventer danger money was the last thing I needed, but�

"One other thing, then." She straightened. "Heero, you're very good at what you do. Maybe even the best. You have levels of training that no one else can touch, and we � the Preventers � would like some of that expertise. I'd like to offer you a position as an Agent. Chang Wu Fei is already working for us, with Sally Po, now that Zechs and Noin have left for the Mars Project."

I blinked at her. This was the last thing I had expected; I had no defences in place and so the first words to come out of my mouth were "I don't want to kill again!"

Une shook her head immediately. "No one is asking you to. I know of your expertise with information and technology; you don't have to be on active duty unless you want to." She gave me a measuring look. "Part of the reason I'm making you this offer is because� Heero, you've sacrificed so much to achieve peace for us. A position with Preventers would allow you to help to preserve it � to use all your knowledge and experience to prevent any more conflicts. To save lives rather than taking them."

My face froze. That was an aspect I hadn't considered at all. Somewhere inside, it worried me that she could read me well enough to strike at my weak points like this. Peace had been difficult to adjust to, it was hard to convince myself that I didn't need to be the person J had tried to mould me into any more. Confidentiality protection was a habit Lowe had impressed on me as soon as I was old enough to understand.

The Lady nodded at me sympathetically. "You don't need to decide right now, Heero, anyway."

I thought about it, narrowing my eyes. "If I say no� what will the consequences be? Will there be restrictions on my movements, tracking programs?" I couldn't imagine that the government wanted to just let the Gundam pilots go without checking up on them at all. Whatever spin they had put on it � had had to, after Libra � we had been terrorists. We had enormous destructive capabilities.

"No." Her answer was immediate. "Not that I know of, and I have to say that considering your abilities I doubt we'd be able to keep track of you if you didn't want us to. If you want to drop out of sight, you're entirely free to do so provided you stay within the law. If you do refuse an Agent's position, though, I would ask you to at least consider giving some training to a few of our best people. I think this latest incident has shown us all that we need all the resources at our disposal if we're to maintain this fragile peace."

"I'll think about it. That's all I can say right now." I leaned back, closing my eyes and hoping she'd think I was tired. "Was that all?"

"Yes, that's everything." I heard her rising and a rustle of fabric as she pulled something from her pocket. "I'll give you my number; please call me when you've made a decision." I cracked open an eye to see her setting a small white card down on the table beside my bed, and then she was gone.

Part of me was a little surprised that she hadn't thanked me for my part in putting down the coup, but in a way I supposed she had. Lady Une had been a soldier first, she knew my motivations. Knew that I had merely been doing what had to be done, as I always did. It was a mindset I wasn't sure I'd ever lose.

Now was as good a time as any, I decided, rolling my shoulders experimentally. My body seemed to be in working order, anyway; there wasn't anything the doctors could tell me that I didn't already know. If I left now I could avoid the inevitable questions, the poking and prodding they would want to do, as well as Relena's well-meaning coddling. She wanted things from me that I had no intention of giving, and it would be as well to remind her that I didn't fit into her picture-perfect world.

Getting out of the hospital was relatively easy, although my clothes were a write-off and I had to steal some from the junior doctors' locker room. The shirt and jeans I had managed to find were a little large on me, and I decided that the first order of business once I made my escape would be to find something better.

No one stopped me as I made my way out through the hospital lobby, and I was relieved to find that there was a bus just pulling up outside. I had picked up a few tricks from Duo; though I wasn't nearly as good at distraction as he was, it was still quite simple to lift enough change from the drawer to pay the driver. I knew my way around New Port City well enough, which was an advantage. There was a large shopping plaza in the city centre, and the bus brought me there with very little fuss in only three stops. I disembarked, anonymous now in a crowd of shoppers, and wondered if the hospital staff had missed me yet. How long would it take them to notify Relena that I was missing, and would the girl bother to search for me, or just take it on faith that I'd show up if I wanted to?

A bank was my first stop � a local branch of one of the big financial corporations, and I spent five minutes typing my passcodes into the automatic teller, bypassing the security settings and accessing one of my accounts. If the government knew just how much money we'd siphoned out of OZ accounts over the course of the war, they'd probably demand its return, but I'd made sure we left no tracks. Every credit I'd hacked was one less Romefeller had been able to spend on mobile suits, as far as I was concerned. A lot of the money had actually gone into charitable foundations to help victims of the war, but there was enough there to support me for a few more years yet, until I decided what I wanted to do next.

Cash in my pockets and a request put through the server for new credit cards and chips to be sent to a mailing address on L1, I made my way to the nearest department store. Clothes first, then some new computer hardware to replace the laptop I'd had to sacrifice on X18999, then a ticket out of here.

***

The first time was a complete surprise to him. It had been two weeks since he had come off the hormone tablets, and he had never felt less inclined towards sexual thoughts in his life. Seeing the mess that had been made of his flesh by flying metal and sparks, the thick twisting scars that marred the most private portions of his body, almost nauseated him. Still, the doctors had told him to use the special gel they had given him for the scars, and so he applied it daily. He had never thought of this as a sexual act, despite the touching involved; for the weeks of recovery there had been nothing erotic in the contact. So he was surprised by the sudden stirrings of pleasure he felt as he smoothed the faintly tingling blue gel into the ridged paths of scar tissue. They were fading slowly, the scars; the original angry red lines turning to pink and white, the bumps in his formerly smooth skin evening out more, but to his mind they were still far too noticeable.

The stirring of his flesh startled him into stillness, the sudden aching need in him strange after so long. Still, he was almost afraid to act on the building desire, the fear of pain, of damaging himself further palpable and shaming. God, would he never be free from this nightmare. The first stroke of his fingers upon his now-swollen cock felt appallingly good, and with a choked cry that was suspiciously like a sob, he abandoned himself to it, gave his body what it wanted and tried to forget the way it had betrayed him for the last months. Tried to banish the face that rose up in his mind's eye, blue-eyed and seemingly expressionless. Tried not to weep as the spasms of pleasure faded and all he was left with was emptiness.

***

After my escape from the Sanc Kingdom, I spent some time wandering. I don't know if it's a holdover from my childhood, but I always seem to find it easier to make decisions when I'm moving. At any rate, I spent a few weeks shuttling from city to city through Europe and North America, thinking about a lot of things. It was a little like the end of the first war, except then I'd still had Zero. Now, I had nothing.

I thought about Une's offer. I thought about my training, about what J had done to me, trying to build his perfect soldier. I thought about everything I'd done, all the ghosts that followed me. I thought about peace, and what awaited me. Two years ago, I'd have said it was a bullet, but now�

I remember walking through marketplaces, watching people buying and selling food and goods, and wondering if I could ever be as human as they were. I remember journeys, staring out of bus windows as fields and woods slid past; Earth really was beautiful. I remember watching news reports in cheap motel rooms, seeing faces that seemed to blend together, politicians and Preventers and bureaucrats, the occasional flash of familiarity. I remember curling up beneath cheap, faded blankets and wondering what it was that I was missing. Why was it suddenly all so cold?

It was about that time that I decided that my isolation from the rest of humanity wasn't doing me any favours. Even if I didn't quite know yet what I was doing, there were people who would be willing to help me. It had been forcibly impressed on me some while back that I had friends, though it still surprised me a little, and perhaps if there were others around who I could talk to, I would feel less alone. The nest morning, I packed up my meagre store of possessions, bought myself a plane ticket to Morocco, and went to see Quatre.

If I was completely honest with myself, Sandrock's pilot wouldn't have been my first choice. But Quatre was friendly, he didn't ask awkward questions, and he also happened to be the most easily available. Trowa was back with the circus on L3. Wu Fei was working with Sally in Preventers, and I wasn't yet ready to talk to Une again. Duo, well Duo was by all accounts making scrap deals again on L2.

I felt peculiarly betrayed by that, a feeling I didn't understand at all. There was no logical reason at all to have expected Duo to still be on Earth, and certainly not waiting on me. No doubt he would soon hear that I was recovered, he had his own sources of information, and I would find one of his familiar chattery emails cluttering up my private inbox.

It had all started with Duo. I had been used to being alone, before I met the strange, loud-mouthed American from L2. I had been perfectly content with my lot in life, ready and even eager to end my life in one final explosion of Gundanium and flame. I still wasn't sure quite what he had done to me, but suddenly I found myself missing him when he was gone. Taking opportunities to seek out his presence, basking in the warm glow of friendship he had so willingly given off. Duo had been my first friend. For a while I had thought he might come to be something more, but� he hadn't been there. Why did that hurt so much?

***

After two weeks back on L2, staring at the walls, he tired of attempting to banish memory. Painstakingly, he went through his apartment, gathering mementoes and keepsakes into a bag. Photographs of himself, the other pilots; pieces of his old life. The only gift Heero had ever given him, a black-and-silver plain-leafed notebook that he had used for sketches and random scribblings. Several pages had been used for planning mission outlines, the other boy's small neat handwriting littering the margins; many more held diagrams of machinery and modifications he had wanted to make to Deathscythe.

He took them all to the scrapyard, making a tiny pile of all his memories down in the dust and setting a lighter to the edge of one of the photos. Flames licked up, swallowing the faces of his old self and his old friends, and he stood unwavering, watching blankly as pair after pair of film-captured dark-blue eyes were swallowed by the fires.

***

March 29th, AC197

I ended that stage of my journey at the intricate wrought-iron gate of the Winner family compound outside Casablanca. The sun was just starting to sink towards the horizon, the crisp shadows beginning to lengthen, and the heat was slightly uncomfortable even this early in the season. I looked up at the imposing manor house surrounded by low buildings and well-tended gardens, and briefly contemplated ignoring security and simply making my own way inside. Then I shook my head. I was no longer a terrorist, and Quatre was a friend.

"Excuse me." I walked over to the bored, hot-looking man leaning against the gate pillar. He didn't seem to be paying much attention, but I could see the telltale gleam of eyes on me behind the dark glasses, and kept my guard up. When he looked up at me, I realised that he actually did look familiar. One of the Maguanacs� "Abdul?"

He performed a double take that was almost worthy of Duo. "Master Yuy! I didn't realise it was you, Master Quatre didn't tell us he was expecting you!"

"He's� not," I admitted slowly, slipping my pack from my shoulders. "I just stopped in, but if he's free I'd like to see him�"

"Of course!" Abdul made an expansive gesture, almost dislodging his fez, then pressed the button for the gates and waved me through as they swung open. "Master Quatre will be so glad to see you!"

I looked around interestedly as he led me up the driveway to the main house; it was only partially from habit. The grounds really were beautiful here, much more so than the war-damaged palace gardens of Sanc, with sculpted lawns and exotic specimen palms set in display beds. That part of me Odin and J had trained approved of the open spaces; any attackers would have difficulty finding cover here.

The house itself was broad and sprawling, in the traditional North African style, surrounded by pink and purple clouds of bougainvillaea that glowed in the late afternoon sun. Cooling, pleasing to the eye, and yet thorny enough to deter climbers. I nodded approvingly as Abdul took me up to the main entrance, shouting at the top of his lungs that Quatre had a visitor.

Rashid met us at the entrance, scowling at his subordinate, who grinned irrepressibly behind his sunglasses and raised one arm to scratch at the back of his head, trying to look innocent. The mannerism sent a strange pang through me, it was so familiar. The next second Rashid had noticed me, though, and was greeting me heartily and ushering me into the building, shooing Abdul back off to the gates again.

"What brings you here, Master Yuy?" Rashid asked as he graciously took my backpack from me. I let it go with a touch of reluctance, but the Maguanacs were nothing if not trustworthy.

"I wanted to talk to Quatre, if he's available�" I began slowly, but was interrupted by a joyful shout from the top of the grand marble staircase.

"Heero!" Evidently Quatre had come to see what the commotion in his entrance hall was about; he all but tumbled down the stairs to take my hand and greet me, and I thought for a moment he might fling his arms about me as Duo had done once or twice in the year between the wars. The moment passed, though, with nothing more than a delighted handclasp. I wondered why I felt so uncomfortable, then decided to just forget about it.

"Quatre." I nodded to him, trying my best to look unthreatening and friendly, with mixed success.

"I'm so glad to see you!" Quatre turned to his captain. "Rashid, could you ask Constanza to bring tea and refreshments to the upstairs sitting room? Thank you. Come on, Heero, there's so much to talk about!" He still had me by the wrist as he began moving back towards the stairs, and I noticed absently that his grip was almost as strong as mine.

"So how have you been?" Quatre led me to a small, comfortable-looking room on the second floor, and fussed until I was seated in an armchair opposite him. "More to the point, where have you been? Relena was having fits when you disappeared."

I shrugged a little uncomfortably. "I� got tired of being poked and prodded at by doctors. I didn't want them to find out about some of the things J did."

Quatre looked grave; I was somehow obscurely glad not to see pity on his face. "I understand, Heero, but where have you been since then? It's been � two months?"

"Here and there." I shook my head slightly. "Nowhere really important. I� needed some time to think."

There was soft knock at the door, and a middle-aged woman in a maid's uniform entered with a teapot and a tray of small cakes. She drew up a side table to our chairs, set everything out to her liking, then nodded to Quatre and left the room as quietly as she had come, pulling the door to behind her.

"I think we all have needed to find ourselves again, after the war," Quatre said after a while, setting his teacup back into its saucer. "You were a soldier, and it's understandable that you spend some time finding a new role for yourself. Finding out who you are without a war to define your existence."

I blinked, startled by his perception, and took a sip of tea, automatically trying to cover my shock. It was good, the blend infused with jasmine and honey. "It's difficult sometimes." I tried to find the words to express the heavy thoughts that had settled on me. "I know how to die, but not how to live."

"I know what you mean," Quatre soothed. "We're all having to deal with it to some extent. We're here to help you if you need us, Heero. We're your friends, remember."

I nodded. "Lady Une offered me a position with Preventers, and I think I'll take her up on it."

"That might be a good idea." Quatre smiled. "It gives you an opportunity to use your training for good, to interact with people and help them. I know working with Sally these past few months has done Wu Fei a lot of good."

I considered that. "How is he?" This was what I had learned from Duo, that friendship meant caring about the wellbeing of others, even when it wasn't important to a mission.

"Wu Fei? He's doing a lot better � I think he's happier in himself now." He smiled brilliantly, setting his cup down and crossing his hands on his knees. "He was very confused for a while, but it's starting to make some more sense to him."

***

Knees tucked up to his chest, he stared silently at the television set. There was nothing much on but news, presenters discussing the construction of new local factories. He wasn't really watching, anyway. Hilde had been there, trying to persuade him to come out with the other salvage workers on their weekly clubbing night. He had begged off, the effort of maintaining his mask almost too much to bear right now. He knew she was worried, but there was nothing he could bring himself to do about it. There was only one thing in his mind.

Heero�

If he could just know that Heero was happy where he was now, he thought he might be able to accept it. If Heero was truly happy with Relena, it would hurt, but he knew it would be for the best. He just had to know.

He had seen Quatre on the TV several times, even seen Wu Fei once or twice, wearing a Preventer uniform in the background of some political function, but there had been no sign of Heero. Surely, surely if Heero were with Relena someone would have seen them together? The Vice-Foreign Minister was the darling of the media; paparazzi followed her everywhere.

But no Heero. He didn't even know any more whether he wanted reassurance that his friend was happy, or just to see him again. He just wanted�

In the dim light of artificial sunset, grey-white ashes were stirred by the light colony winds, sifting across the dusty ground until they almost resembled a blanket of snow.

***

I knew what Quatre meant, without his really having to elaborate. Wu Fei had told me things � shouted them at me, really, during our battle through the skies. What place, what purpose did a soldier have, with no battles to fight? It was an answer I was still looking for myself. Part of the solution, I thought, was to create a place for oneself, but as to how that could be accomplished I had no idea. Purpose was easier; working to help preserve the peace had given that to Wu Fei, it seemed, and the same principle would presumably apply to myself.

"Trowa is still on L3, spending time with Catherine and the circus, but he should be coming back here in a week or two." Quatre was looking away from me, very intently studying one of the watercolours on the wall; a scene of tall ships on the ocean.

I snorted a little, unable to help myself. "I'm not blind, Quatre; I know about you two."

"Oh." He glanced at me, flushing a little, then laughed. "Everyone seems to say that."

I shrugged a little, wondering how he thought I could have not noticed the way they behaved towards each other. It had taken me longer to grasp the nature of their relationship than others; I remembered asking Duo about it a few weeks into 196, and his incredulous laughter as he realised I really wasn't sure. Usually I would have hated to be laughed at.

"And Duo?" I tried to keep my voice neutral, but it really didn't want stay that way. Quatre glanced at me sharply.

"He went back to L2 after the hospital released him; haven't you heard from him?"

"No." That hurt, too; I had thought it� wait a minute� "Hospital?"

Quatre blinked at me, perhaps sensing the sudden, irrational panic that swept through me. "Didn't you know? He was injured in the battle, but he's fine now. Heero, are you all right?"

My mouth was dry and I couldn't seem to regulate my heartbeat, couldn't get past that so-innocuous-sounding word, injured. "How� how bad was it?" I fisted my hands on my thighs; I had been so quick to assume that Duo didn't want to see me, had disappeared into hiding almost as soon as I had recovered. I felt so disgusted with myself, tendrils of the old 'mission failed' shame creeping through me, insidious whispers in my mind pointing out that I was hardly doing very well at this friend business.

"Not nearly as bad as it could have been," Quatre was reassuring me, with a strange look on his face. "Just some shrapnel from console feedback when Deathscythe took a hit; it was a bit� unpleasant, but they stitched him up and kept him in for a week and he's as good as new now."

"Oh." I blinked a little, calculating how long it would take me to get to the nearest spaceport, and whether I would be able to make this evening's L2 shuttle. "I have to go and see him."

"Okay." Quatre took another sip of tea, his eyes puzzled. He seemed to be trying to make up his mind what to say after my rather abrupt pronouncement. "Heero, do� can I ask you something personal? You don't have to answer if you don't want to," he added hastily, setting his teacup back on the table and picking up some kind of biscuit.

That jolted me out of my mental planning, and I narrowed my eyes, thinking. "�Yes," I decided after a moment; after all, this was Quatre and he was eminently trustworthy.

"Do� you said you knew about Trowa and I. Are you and Relena� similarly involved?"

I was shocked enough that my mouth dropped open. "No!"

"You don't have romantic feelings for her?" Quatre's eyes were very shrewd, fixed on me now.

This was all cutting entirely too close to the bone. "Not at all. She's�" I fumbled for the words, for a way to express things so personal that I hadn't even told them to Duo. "Relena's my friend. She's the representative of the peace, not just politically. She � she reminds me of someone I� killed once�" I choked on the words, unable to say any more, it was too painful. I think Quatre might have caught a little of that; he backed off anyway, nibbling on a sugar snap.

"She�" she was the first person I met on Earth, the first person to want to be near me even though I was a killer, even though I stood against everything she believed in. She, and Duo, were the first friends I ever had, the first people I ever cared about after Odin left me� "We're friends," I finished somewhat uncertainly. "Why?" I thought to ask. "Do people think we're a couple?"

Quatre shrugged, the smile back in place. "Some, perhaps." He placed one hand gracefully on his shirt above his heart. "I can feel that you care about her, though, and I was curious. I'm sorry to have intruded."

I didn't really know what to say to that; all the little platitudes that people mouth to each other confuse me. They're just so meaningless that I can't comprehend why so much of social behaviour rests on them.

I gave Quatre a shrug. "I'll go to L2 tomorrow to see Duo."

"Okay. Give him my best wishes, and Trowa's as well. We haven't heard from him since he got back; it's so difficult with everything that needs doing these days�"

"I will. Is the business busy?" I had seen only the results of the work politicians and businessmen were doing, the police officers on street corners and the new buildings that were going up. I knew Relena had been busy, but it was difficult for me to really imagine how much work was going on behind the scenes. Duo had said to me once, that for every hour we had piloted our Gundams in battle, there had been thousands more put in by mechanics and technicians.

Duo. As Quatre spoke about his work, and all the projects he was currently overseeing, I allowed my mind to wander a little. Why hadn't Duo contacted me, to let me know he had been injured? Or even where he was? Was something else wrong, was he still angry with me? The blow I had given him had been meant only to keep him safe; surely he had known that? I had thought that perhaps, given a little luck, there might be something between Duo and I; he was the only person who really seemed to understand me, as a person rather than a soldier and a tool. Duo knew me, as much or more than anyone ever had. I felt more for him than for Relena and my other friends, and differently; had I sacrificed that? I would have to find out.

***

I took the first plane out from Tangiers the next morning, heading for Cairo and the spaceport there and booking shuttle tickets on the way. I spent most of the shuttle flight asleep, though alert; my guns were in the hold with what baggage I had, and I suspected I might never be able to relax my instincts enough to sleep in the presence of strangers. The woman next to me was slight and delicate, though; hardly a threat, and I allowed myself to drift a little further than I ordinarily might have. The acceleration and pressure of launch was minor compared to some of the G-forces I had endured in Wing's cockpit, though some of the other passengers seemed to find it quite unpleasant.

The long drift of a commercial shuttle through the space lanes is extremely dull. Always before, during the slow hours of space travel, I had had mission objectives to plan, systems to review, courses to plot. Even as a child, Odin had given me strategy games and lessons to take up my time. This was new. I spent my hours dozing, considering Duo Maxwell and what I might say to him. I tried not to treat it like a mission, but it was difficult after so long to stop myself thinking in terms of objectives and phases.

I knew Duo. Or, I thought I did; I knew enough to see that the face he presented to the world, the loud, brash, carefree joker, was nothing but a mask to conceal himself behind. I had been given occasional glimpses of the personality behind the fa�ade, moments and memories that I treasured, and I wondered why. Why did Duo run and hide? He had told me some of what happened in his childhood, but I knew there was more, just as there were things I had not yet told him. Perhaps I should�?

I would go to Duo, I decided. I knew his apartment; I had visited him more than once in the past year, drawn by the promise of companionship, a half-understood warmth I'd begun to crave. I would go to Duo, and I would ask him if he had recovered from his injuries. I could apologise for hurting him, try to explain my reasoning. And � maybe � I could try and explain these strange and confusing feelings to him.

It was early evening, colony time, when the shuttle arrived in the main hangar, and by the time I had cleared customs and found a taxi in the busy spaceport I was later still. I arrived outside Duo's apartment building at seven-fifteen, my eyes automatically lifting to view the array of narrow windows. Duo lived on the thirteenth floor, and I could see the lights in his front window; artificial sunset had come and gone while I had been in transit. For a moment I wondered whether perhaps it was too late, whether I should make my way to a hotel and call from there tomorrow morning to let Duo know that I was here. He was a very social person; he might be busy�

No. I had come this far, I couldn't deviate from my self-appointed task now, when I was so close. And, I admitted to myself wryly, I wanted to see Duo very badly. I entered the worn lobby of the building through a cracked glass door, and instead of punching the button for the unreliable elevator, I took the stairs; I had learned, on my last visit, after an hour and a half trapped in the lift car. At least I had had Duo for company, then.

Twelve flights of stairs � walking � wasn't even enough to make me breathe heavily. Duo had been in the habit of taking them at a full-out run; he said it was the easiest way to keep in shape without a war to fight.

Outside his door, I paused again, hearing and wondering at the complete and utter silence from within. Perhaps he was out after all, and had just left the light on? Always before, when I had visited him here, I had been greeted by thudding rock music, or at the very least the sound of television. Maybe he was asleep? But it wasn't like Duo to waste electricity�

My first knock produced no response, and after thirty seconds I knocked again with slightly more force, just moments before the door was yanked open, faux-wood shuddering and jarring with the force. My breath caught in my throat, and it was several long seconds before I could speak.

"Duo�"

***

He had been terrified. Frightened for Duo, that his injuries were more severe than they had thought. Frightened that OZ might find them while the other boy was still incapacitated. Frightened most of all of himself, of what he had become. The boy codenamed Heero Yuy had never refused a mission, yet only hours earlier he had ignored the safe objective of eliminating pilot 02 and risked both of them in an escape attempt. That his spur-of-the-moment plan had worked was irrelevant, missions were missions. Orders were the foundation of his existence, and to be without them was to surrender to the blankness of death.

What was happening to him? Heero could feel himself almost trembling and desperately tried to recover control of himself. Duo was sleeping, was injured; he shouldn't be woken�

Except Duo wasn't sleeping, and Heero knew it. The dim light was enough for him to see the other's eyes, wide and open and fixed on the ceiling of the tiny dorm room. Maybe Duo was frightened too, or maybe he was partially immune to the pain meds. Maybe he just couldn't sleep.

Heero had given in then. To the fear, the gnawing anxiety, the silence and chill of the room. Still fully clothed, he had crawled under the blankets next to Duo, reaching out uncertainly and trying not to jar the boy. The way that Duo had immediately latched onto him, clutching at Heero as though to a lifeline, had brought a strange sort of comfort, and they had lain there together, huddled in a tangled bundle on the narrow dormitory bed, for the rest of the night. Sharing.

It had been utterly innocent. Heero, still struggling with his own humanity, and Duo, wounded and recovering from a vicious beating; neither had seen anything more than comfort in each other then. A warm body to hold onto, someone else who understood. Someone who cared; that was enough, then. Despite all the experience, the training, that night they had been little more than terrified children clinging to each other.

***

He looked� different. There was something new in his eyes, I thought, and his posture was slightly less confident. And something else, something I couldn't classify; it was as though the light which had always shone through his every movement and expression was dimmed, somehow. He was wearing much the same clothes as I had always seen him in; black jeans and a black t-shirt with white lettering advertising what I thought was a band. His hair was straggling out of it's braid, wisping around his face and shoulders appealingly. I realised, with a shock that struck down into the pit of my stomach, that Duo was not just attractive but strikingly beautiful.

"�Heero?" He blinked at me a little, where before he would have performed a comical double take and perhaps even flung himself at me in one of his anti-tank hugs. I went on instant alert; something was definitely not quite right here. Duo smiled at me, but it was a shadow of his former irrepressible grin. "What are you doing here?"

"I came to see you, idiot." Why else would I be on your doorstep? "Quatre told me you'd been injured."

Duo gave a forced laugh. "Oh, that? I'm fine now, see?" He held his arms out horizontally and shuffled around in a circle; I found my eyes drawn for a moment to the way his hips swayed with the movement, and hastily jerked them back to his face, hoping I wasn't blushing.

"All mended," Duo continued. "You didn't need to make a fuss, Heero."

"I�" I struggled for words to explain myself. "I didn't even know you'd been injured until yesterday. I� was in hospital myself, and then�"

"You were?!" Duo jerked upright in panic, looking me over hastily. "You're OK now, though, right? Heero?" He reached out as if to touch my arm, then drew his hand away. "Look, come in and catch me up, OK?"

"I'm fine." I followed him into the large main room of his apartment, leaving my bag by the door and taking a seat on the sagging couch. The place was actually tidier than the last time I'd seen it, lacking the usual scatter of half-dismantled machinery cluttering up the tabletops. I wondered if the scrapyard was doing badly, or whether Hilde had put her foot down again about Duo's tendency to take work home.

Duo sank down into a semi-kneeling position on the couch beside me, the fingers of one hand absently fiddling with the tail end of his braid. "So what happened, Heero? Quatre told me you were with Relena, I didn't know you were hurt at all�"

I shrugged a little uncomfortably, hating to admit to weakness even now. "I wasn't hurt. Wing Zero exploding was just the last straw; the stress caught up with me and I passed out after I reached Mariemaia. Relena took me to a hospital in Sanc; I was unconscious for a week recovering."

"Oh." Duo didn't look very reassured. "So, you're staying with her now?" The braid-twiddling escalated a couple of notches.

"Relena?" I blinked in surprise; why did everyone seem to assume that the girl was in charge of my life? "No, I decided it was time to leave when the doctors wanted to do a second batch of tests. I haven't seen her since."

"She's probably worried about you, then," Duo observed in a very small, neutral voice. "She's got a lot on her plate; don't you want to be there for her?"

"Relena can take care of herself. Duo," I burst out, completely confused at this point, "why does everyone think I have some kind of, of� romantic attachment to Relena?"

He blinked at me. "�You mean you don't?"

"No!" I calmed myself. "I have great respect for Relena, as a politician and as a person. I have�" I swallowed, closing my eyes. This was Duo. At the very least, he was my best friend. "When I was twelve, I was given a mission to destroy an Alliance base on an L1 colony. I set the charges, and on my way out I� encountered a child. A girl, about five years old, walking a labrador puppy. In the park. She gave me a flower. It was the first time anyone had done anything like that for me, the first time I had ever been given anything. I couldn't understand why she wasn't afraid of me."

I paused; Duo's hand had migrated to my arm, a warm and somehow comforting weight, but he didn't speak. "That night I blew the base, but something went wrong. Burning suits fell onto a block of apartment buildings and detonated; hundreds of civilians were killed. The next day� I found the body of that puppy, and a burned teddy bear, in the wreckage."

"Oh, Heero." Duo's arms were suddenly encircling my shoulders, pulling me against his body. "You couldn't have known�" The position was uncomfortable; both our torsos were slightly twisted, but I couldn't seem to help but clutch at Duo's t-shirt, trying to bury the tears that threatened to rise in my throat.

"After he saw how emotional I got, how I felt guilt and regret, J had me retrained," I whispered now that Duo was so close. "Relena � she was like that little girl, she wasn't afraid of me, even though she should have been, I couldn't kill her too�"

"I know," Duo whispered back, patting my back clumsily. "It isn't fair, Heero, what they did to you, what they tried to make you into."

I pulled away, leaning against the back of the couch. "You've said that before."

"I know." Duo grinned at me, this time with a little more life, our eyes meeting with warmth for a fraction of a second before he looked away, down at his hands clasped in his lap.

"So�" I tried to regather my train of thought. "What happened to you? Quatre said you took some shrapnel�"

"Yeah." Duo shrugged a little, not meeting my eyes. "Primary systems console blew; it was a bit of a freak accident, really, lucky hit. I got the shrapnel in my stomach and legs, and passed out or something. I don't remember anything after that until I woke up in the hospital with doctors poking and prodding at me."

"Hn. Stitches?"

"Fucking loads; I never actually got a count, but it took them forever to get them all out."

"Unpleasant." There was something about this that was bothering me, something in the way Duo spoke, with just a little too much force, the way he didn't quite meet my eyes.

Duo gave a short, cynical laugh. "You have no idea. You got a place to stay, Heero?"

I set my suspicions aside for later consideration. "Not yet." Before, I had�

"�You can stay here, then." He was looking away again.

"Thank you, Duo. Are you still working with Hilde?"

"Yeah, she was just round here earlier, actually. Got a big delivery to make tomorrow; you mind if I give you the spare key, Heero? I know it's Saturday, but�"

"That's fine, Duo." Actually, it would give me time to sort out a few things, and I could go grocery shopping. I cooked better than Duo did, and if he had work to do he probably wouldn't want to bother with it before going out tomorrow night. In my previous visits here I had become used to being dragged out to bars and clubs on Friday and Saturday nights. Duo had told me he considered it his mission to teach his best friend how to socialise, and the occasions had slowly become less of a trial to me; it wasn't as though the people Duo and Hilde mixed with had the same kind of expectations as Relena's social set. I had even developed something of an appreciation for the classic rock music that was often played at their favourite venues.

We talked a little more, mostly pointless gossip about the others, the peace efforts, the cleanup operation. For reasons I couldn't quite explain, even to myself, I didn't mention Une's offer to Duo. On learning that I hadn't eaten since the shuttle flight, he dialled out for pizza and pulled the box of movie discs out from beneath the TV stand, letting me choose what we watched. I found this something of a surprise; always before Duo's Friday nights had been spent socialising, but if he wanted to catch up with me� I let it pass, considering that he had an early delivery to make tomorrow anyway.

We headed to bed at eleven, and there were a few tense moments as we stared at each other in the apartment's single bedroom.

"I can sleep on the couch�" I offered, a little uncertain. We had shared a bed when I had visited before, with very few problems other than Duo's 'sleeping together' jokes; I wondered if this sudden discomfort between us was the result of our separation, or something else.

"�no." Duo turned away, getting something out of a drawer. "It's fine, Heero. I'll just� go and change, OK?" His arms were filled with clothes as he backed away towards the bathroom, a worried look on his face, and I wondered, again; usually he wore boxers to sleep, and had no qualms about undressing in front of me. Maybe I should�

By the time Duo returned, clad in sweatpants and a grey tank top, brushing out his hair, I was changed and sitting on the side of the bed, toothbrush in hand. Duo stopped short when he saw me, his mouth twitching with amusement; I was too mesmerised by the long swirling fall of his unbound hair over his shoulder to really pay much attention.

"Heero, I'm surprised that still fits you." I looked down at my tank top and bike shorts, and shrugged; they were actually new, considering that none of my clothes had survived the war intact, but I didn't want to spoil his fun.

"You know, I used to have such a love-hate relationship with those shorts," he murmured as I exited for the bathroom. I thought about that as I brushed my teeth and used the facilities, uncertain whether I'd been intended to hear the comment at all. That 'used to' made me a little nervous; was Duo saying that he had got over whatever feelings he'd had for me? I remembered the strange sense of detachment that I'd been feeling from him all evening, as though he wasn't really there with me at all. His eyes had been� distant, with something I thought might almost have been pain in the way that indigo gaze would flicker away from me.

When I returned to the bedroom, Duo was already in bed, the lights turned out. I could see the vague shape of his body beneath the covers, huddled in a tight ball on the left-hand side, facing towards the wall. I frowned again; I had always known Duo to sleep sprawled half-way across the bed, he had even told me more than once to kick him if he hogged the space. I shrugged, crawling under the covers myself and settling down for the night, but inside my mind was working overtime. What was wrong with my Duo? I had never known him like this, even during the war, when he had been afraid, he hadn't withdrawn himself from me this way� had I just thought of him as my Duo?

"�'night, Heero�" The scratchy whisper took me by surprise, and for a long moment all I could remember were other voices in the dark, other times I had spent with him in such shadowed spaces. A wave of longing swept over me, so intense that I almost moaned; I was acutely aware of the warmth of his body, easily within my reach but as distant as he could get.

"Good night, Duo."

I would have to talk to Hilde.

***

I woke shortly before six-thirty, a habit I had been unable to shake even after a year of peacetime. Duo was snoring softly beside me, still curled into a tiny, protective bundle, though sometime in the night he had turned to face me. I stared blearily into his face for a few moments, noticing the quivering of his eyelashes against the drawn skin of his face, the way light from the window shone through the hair straggled out around his head, haloing him in pallid glow. Gradually, I realised that my fingers were wrapped around something warm and soft; for some reason I had tight hold of the end of Duo's braid. When I prised my fingers from the rope of hair I saw that I had been clutching it long enough to leave red indentations in the flesh of my palm; I flushed a little, suddenly glad Duo wasn't awake.

I eased myself out of the bed, checking that the alarm clock was still set, and padded out into the main room, intending to see about some kind of breakfast as soon as I had completed my stretches. First, though, I made my way to the little kitchen and filled the kettle, setting it to boil. Duo would want coffee when he crawled out of bed, and I knew he had got into the habit of keeping some tea around for my visits.

I left the water to heat, retreating to the lounge still in bare feet and taking up a relaxed stance by the window, beginning my morning series of stretches. The doctors hadn't needed to tell me that with all the stresses I had put my body under in the past, I had to make sure to take care of it. I was nearing the end of my routine when I heard the buzzing of the alarm clock from the bedroom, and Duo's stumbling footsteps heading for the bathroom, accompanied by a rather eerie lack of grumbling about mornings in general, and this one in particular.

I finished up and went back into the kitchen, hearing the shower start up as I filled up the coffee maker and set it percolating. I had learned, through spending time with Duo, that 'ordinary coffee' and 'morning coffee' were two very different things, and made very sure to use grounds from the correct container � otherwise known as 'Hot Lava Java.' I went hunting for the tea canister, frowning when it proved unlocatable, but a quick search of the cabinets produced a box of Earl Grey teabags, so I made do with those, tearing open a package of waffles and putting some into the toaster. I would make him pancakes tomorrow, when I had more time, but I made sure to get the syrup out anyway, knowing Duo's need for morning pick-me-ups.

I had just entered the lounge, plate of cooked waffles and syrup jar in hand, when the bathroom door cracked open and a billow of steam emerged, followed by Duo clad only in a towel. I froze where I was, cursing myself for having not heard the water cut off and desperately hoping that the spandex shorts didn't give too much away. Duo was beautiful, his pale skin flushed with heat, a towel wrapped turban-like around his head pulling his hair away from his eyes and showing them off in their full splendour. I couldn't have looked away if someone had told me Mobile Dolls were storming Tokyo. White towel wrapped around narrow hips, leading down to pale expanses of thigh, all taut muscle under flushed skin�

I swallowed hastily as Duo started, seeing me, and tried to wrench my eyes away without much success. "Heero," he all but squeaked, hands rushing to clutch the towel closer around him, arms pressing against his stomach almost as though to cover� Then he was gone, rushing into the bedroom in a swish of towelling and steam, and I was still standing there like a very puzzled statue.

After a moment, I set my forgotten burdens on the table and retreated to the kitchen, wondering what exactly I had just witnessed. He had seemed so� almost defensive, his eyes widening hugely with shock, his face crumbling as he dashed away into the bedroom, presumably to dress. Why did my seeing his body bother him? It never had before; I had even seen him naked once or twice during the war. Duo had never seemed to care much, stripping off with all the rest of us in Peacemillion's ready room. The scene stuck in my mind, his hands raised to tug the towel up, trying to cover himself, and I wondered why. One more question for the list.

I made myself another cup of tea, nibbling at a piece of toast. Duo seemed to be healing well, anyway; I had seen the livid, pinkish lines of scars across his stomach, and they seemed less severe than I had feared. They would fade even more over time, I thought, leaving him with nothing more than a few white marks, nothing like the ridges of scar tissue I had acquired across my chest and arms during Wing's self-destruction. My left arm was still slightly weaker than my right, though I had long since learned to compensate, and it wasn't a problem.

Duo slunk out of the bedroom after about twenty minutes, dressed again in black jeans and t-shirt, hair braided and even his heavy biker boots making almost no noise on the carpeted floor. Duo had always moved like a cat, I remembered sadly, watching as he refused to meet my eyes, only picking at the waffles although he did drain the coffee. I recognised the Maxwell 'run and hide' instinct and wondered what imagined demons pursued him now. What had the self-proclaimed God of Death running scared?

All too soon for my peace of mind, Duo was heading to the door, shrugging into his long leather coat despite the constant heat that came from shoddy climate control. "You know where the spare key is, right?" he asked without even looking at me, fiddling with his braid.

"Under the drawer in the bedside table," I confirmed quietly, wondering what I should do. "�Drive safely," I muttered limply after a moment, and then he was gone without so much as a backward glance. Biting my lip, I slumped down heavily on the couch and wondered what I'd done wrong.

***

I knocked on the office door somewhat uncertainly. "Excuse me�"

There was no one visible at the desk through the half-open door, but a muffled voice floated from somewhere around the corner. "Hang on, I'll be right there!"

There was a dull thumping sound, then a sudden loud crash of metal on metal and Hilde appeared before me, in jeans and boots, wiping the grease from her hands on the hem of her ratty work shirt and blinking at me.

"Heero?"

I nodded. "Hilde. You have grease on your nose�" Her eyes almost crossed in an effort to peer at her own face, and I felt the corners of my mouth turning up entirely without my volition.

"Typical." Hilde scrubbed at her face with the cuff of her shirt, succeeding only in smearing the grease around a bit. "Come on in, Heero." She opened the door wide, and I followed her into the office. Having spent time with Duo on L2 before, I was unsurprised to see most of the floor space taken up with what looked like a vintage MG engine, half-gutted with cables and spark plugs spilling everywhere.

"Still working on that?" I wandered over to stare down at the lumps of metal and plastic, noticing that someone had made several rather interesting modifications to the carburettor and gearbox. I recognised the workmanship.

"Yeah, Duo insists on keeping it in here; I was just trying to move it over to the side, actually." Hilde swept her hair back from her forehead, leaning on the edge of the desk. "Duo's taken a shuttle-load over to the recyc plant, and he'll pick up another consignment from the Sweepers on the way back; we'll need the space." The office building had actually been designed as a garage; it was L-shaped, with a small office in the smaller end and the rest of the space bare concrete and tools.

I looked critically at the semi-dismantled engine, wondering if the tarp it was resting on would hold its weight. "I think I could lift that, if you pulled on the tarpaulin."

"Would you?" Hilde sounded relieved. "Duo's bound to come back with half a dozen other projects that'll need space, but he refuses to let anyone else touch his 'baby'�" she gave the engine block a wry look.

"Where's the rest of the car?" I bent to test the solidity of the metalwork, hoping that the exhaust pipework wouldn't disintegrate on me. Duo might never forgive me.

"In the back lot. He's repaired the thing so it's at least watertight, not that we get much rain here�" Hilde took up her position across from me, taking a firm hold of the metal eyelets that edged the tarp. I crouched, taking my position, suddenly very glad I'd gone through my full routine that morning.

"Ready?" I braced myself, taking the weight of the engine and beginning to lift. "One, two, three� pull!" Hilde scuttled back, dragging the tarpaulin as I groaned under the engine, muscles straining. One step forward, two, three, and I had caught back up with her and could ease the heavy block down, breathing in gasps.

"Damn, Heero," Hilde muttered as I swung my arms, easing out the strain and testing to see whether I'd pulled muscles. "I can see why�"

"Hm?" I turned to face her again; she was back to leaning against the desk.

"Um�" she flushed a little, looking away. "Like I said, Duo's away, if you were looking for him; he should be back by about three."

"I know; I stayed at his place last night." I narrowed my eyes, wondering how to phrase my questions. "Hilde, he � he seems� have you noticed anything� different about him? Recently?"

"Different how?" Hilde cocked her head, leaning over to pull a rag out of a canister on the floor as I looked around for something to wipe the grease from my hands.

"Thank you. He just seems�" I struggled for words. "I mean, I haven't seen him for three months, since X18999. He � he's Duo, he always seemed so alive, but now�" I realised I was twisting the rag between my fingers, and tried to tell them to behave themselves, with minimal success.

Hilde sighed, looking down at the floor. "Yeah, I know what you mean. He's just� I don't know what happened, he's been like this ever since he got back. He hardly ever comes out with us any more, and he doesn't call anyone as far as I can tell. I don't think he's drinking, but there's definitely something wrong."

"Has he been� you know the way he jokes�"

"Not so much as before." Hilde shook her head. "It's like, sometimes he'll realise people are watching and try to act up for them, but most of the time he just stares at the wall and doesn't talk."

"There's something wrong." I sighed; the idea of a Duo who didn't talk was almost unnatural.

"I know, but I don't know what. He does his work just the same as before, but it's like he's not really there." Hilde raked a hand through her short dark hair again, looking up at me beseechingly. "Heero, can you see if you can do something? We � the guys � are going out tonight, if you could persuade Duo to come along�"

"I can try," I said doubtfully. "I'm not always very good at�" she shook her head insistently.

"He'd do almost anything for you, please try and help him."

I blinked, flushing and looking away. "I'll try," I muttered, somewhat blindsided by that little revelation. My inner soldier was computing mission objectives and giving me revised statistics as to Duo's probable interest in me; it took an effort to shut him up.

"Good." Hilde smiled and sighed with relief. "We're meeting at Porter's at eight; you know where that is, right?"

***

"Please, Duo?" I divided the pan full of noodles and tipped half onto each plate. "I mean, if you're too tired I understand, but Hilde said she'd really like to see you there�"

"I don't know." Duo picked up his fork, stabbing unenthusiastically at his food. "I mean, it's not really your scene, Heero, I wouldn't want to drag you out�" He took a bite of noodle, then seemed to brighten and began chewing happily. "Hey, this is really good, Heero, you're a way better cook than I am."

"Thank you," I muttered, taking up my own chopsticks before beginning a new offensive. "I don't mind going out with you, Duo. I used to like it before, when you'd make me go to clubs."

He snorted a little, swallowing a mouthful. "This is rich, you trying to persuade me to socialise for once."

I smiled helplessly, caught up in his grin even though it barely reached his eyes. "You mean you'll go?"

Duo shrugged, a graceful, lazy motion. "Yeah, I suppose I could do with a night out, if you really insist."

"Yes, I do." I nodded firmly, hoping that once he actually got into a social situation, some of the old intensity might come back.

"Well, OK." Duo grinned at me; I wondered how he could make slurping up noodles look so attractive. "You're gonna have to help me find something to wear, though, Heero."

"Is that a threat, Maxwell?" I knew very well that it would be me ending up trying on the clothes, traipsing back and forth from the bathroom as Duo watched and lectured me on colours and styles. I was lucky black suited me; it made up the majority of his wardrobe, and I certainly hadn't brought anything beyond plain jeans and t-shirts.

***

The heavy beat of the music pounded around me, shaking through my bones almost like the firing of Verniers. For a moment I missed Wing Zero, now consigned to scrap and memories. Wing had been the one constant in my life for so long�

I took a sip of the Irish beer Hilde had insisted I try, scanning the heaving dancefloor of the club for a familiar figure. Duo's black leathers were no help in here; the occasional flash of colour in a club like this was a rarity, though a lot of the girls and some men wore silver jewellery. That long chestnut braid was easy to spot though, and once my eyes had found him it was difficult to look away. He seemed so� alive�

My desires were fighting a fierce battle against my reflexes. I wanted, desperately, to go to Duo, to take advantage of the darkness and intimacy of the atmosphere and get as close to the object of my affections as I could. Everything that J � that life � had trained into me, though, screamed that a crowded situation, full of unknown bodies in motion, was nothing but danger. I swallowed, and drank some more beer, hoping that the alcohol might take effect and make this easier for me.

I watched Duo, dancing with abandon to the loud, clashing music, braid swinging enticingly. For a dizzying instant, as he turned, his eyes met mine, indigo sparkling in the spiking lights, and the space between us suddenly seemed to narrow to centimetres. I think I gasped; a surge of unbelievably strong desire running through me as he smiled, turning to listen to something being shouted in his ear by one of Hilde's friends. The curve of his neck, the wisps of hair snaking from his braid, the sheen of sweat on his skin, were pure arousal. I felt giddy, and took another deep gulp of beer to try and steady myself.

At that moment, I made a decision.

Setting my glass down with a deep breath, I squared my shoulders and began making my way through the heaving crowd on the dancefloor, aiming straight for the place I had last seen him. I had to keep a firm hold on my retaliatory instincts as I was jostled and bumped by writhing, gyrating bodies. Smoke, sweat and alcohol pervaded the atmosphere, disorienting me even further as a new song began, slower but still with a heavy beat. I pushed carefully between two shaven-headed bikers who could have tripled my height between them and probably quadrupled my weight, wondering where Duo had got to; I had been certain that I had last seen him in this area of the floor.

Arms around my shoulders surprised me, and I hastily aborted a reflexive reach for a gun I wasn't wearing as a familiar body pressed briefly against my back, pulling me into the centre of a group of dancers.

"Duo!" I turned as he let his arms fall, our eyes briefly meeting again, and then he laughed uncomfortably, moving back a little to put some space between us. The dancers around us, the music� I could see his hips starting to twitch to the beat� I let it run through me too. A brief, amused thought slipped through my mind as I moved closer to Duo, synchronising our bodies, that Relena would be either appalled or delighted to see me now�

***

I woke late on Sunday; we had only arrived back at the apartment shortly before three AM, and I had been tired both from the previous day's journey and the night of dancing. I lay in bed, staring at Duo's bedroom ceiling and wondering to myself. I had danced with Duo � I had enjoyed myself greatly. I was sure he had too � the depression that seemed to have settled over him had lifted a little, he had laughed and joked with his friends, bought me drinks to try, stayed on the dancefloor until the club had closed. It had been good.

I had enjoyed it, too. The feeling of being so close to Duo, of moving in harmony with him, had been� incredible. I flushed a little in memory, recalling the heat of him� imagining his hands moving from my shoulders and arms, straying to my hips, my chest, lower� the feel of him pressed against my back, rubbing against me�

I gasped, feeling my body react to the vivid images, heat flaring in my stomach, my cock stirring to life. Hastily bottling down the feelings, I glanced over to Duo, still curled up into a tight little ball in his half of the bed. He was asleep, his ribs rising and falling slowly beneath the sweatshirt pyjamas, his braid pulled over his shoulder and clutched tightly in one fist. Even wrapped up in himself like this, he was beautiful; the long planes and curves of his body showing through the thin material. Duo would never be tall, but he had grown from a small, skinny boy to a slight but nicely-muscled young man, lithe and elegant as a mountain cat. I stared, fascinated and unable to tear my gaze away from the pale skin on the back of his neck that his braid usually covered. Even as I watched he shivered a little, in his sleep, and I wondered if he was cold, if that was the reason for such a huddled posture. Surely not, with both of us in the bed�? Duo shivered again, convulsively, tightening around himself with a barely-audible whimper, and I abruptly realised that my hand had gone to my crotch, rubbing myself gently through the stretchy fabric of my shorts.

Horrified, I flung myself from the bed, racing to the bathroom and staring at my face in the mirror. Aching dark-blue eyes, messy shock of brown hair, flat expression that no matter what I did never seemed as real as the people I saw every day� Had I really just been contemplating touching myself� doing that� in Duo's bed? While he was there? What was wrong with me?

I clambered out of my clothing, stepping under the shower and twisting the cold tap viciously. Frigid water poured over me, shocking a soft curse from my lips and putting any thoughts of arousal far from my mind. I groped for the soap, refusing to give in to the cold and washing myself with brisk, efficient movements. I heard Duo stirring in the bedroom while I was towelling my cold-reddened skin dry, and wondered how I would be able to face him.

I used the facilities, then pulled my tank top and shorts back on and left the bathroom to see what clothes I had that were still clean. Last night, Duo had insisted that I wear a pair of his black jeans, and a tight black shirt made from some shiny, clingy material.

Duo was in the kitchen when I came out, and I could hear the coffee maker percolating, so I went back into the bedroom and dressed. At least, I thought, I knew one thing: I did indeed want Duo. As a friend, always, but� I wanted to touch him. It was a sensation, an emotion, that was utterly unfamiliar to me, almost as though Duo were the only one who could awaken such things in me. As though my life with Odin and J's training had locked me up in a box, and Duo held the key. I was pretty certain that this feeling was what others defined as love � romantic, sexual love. I knew I loved my friends � Quatre, Trowa, Wu Fei, Relena � and I knew I had loved Odin Lowe, in a way. This feeling was like that, yet utterly different. More. More intense. Duo had always been able to make me smile, even when I'd been unable to show it.

I realised that I was smiling as I walked into the little kitchen. Duo was slumped over the counter, still in his makeshift pyjamas and staring into a coffee cup as though it held all the secrets of the universe. His braid straggled down his back, half pulled out and looking more like the tail of a startled cat than its usual sleek self. I wondered if he was hung over; I hadn't seen him drinking all that much, and he hadn't acted in a drunken manner� but he had a greater tolerance than I did. This was L2, and government licensing laws were routinely ignored; anyone who could see over a bar could get served, though most clubs employed bouncers to keep at least a semblance of maturity in their clientele.

"Morning, Heero." Duo sounded� I wasn't sure. Not like he had last night. As though something was weighing on him.

"Duo. Are you feeling all right?" I asked carefully, getting out the teabags and setting the kettle on.

"Me? I'm fine." He shrugged. "You know I'm never at my best first thing, Heero." He spared me a glance, then went back to brooding over his coffee.

I snorted, looking at the clock somewhat pointedly; it was already eleven-thirty. Duo didn't seem to notice. I made my tea and took it over to the table, thinking about what I wanted to say to him.

"Duo," I began after a slightly uncomfortable silence; it was somewhat strange to be sitting in his apartment surrounded by quiet, even in the morning; before, he would have been grumbling and muttering about anything and everything, laughing at the cartoons on the television. Something. "Did you know that Wu Fei went to work for the Preventers?"

"Hmm?" He turned around from the counter, taking his coffee and wandering over to the couch, flopping onto it gracelessly. "Yeah, Quat told me before I left. Probably be good for him."

"Quatre said he was doing well, when I saw him." I turned my chair so that I could face Duo. "Duo, while I was in the hospital, Lady Une came to see me. She offered me a job with Preventers, just like Wu Fei. She said� my training� they needed me, to help preserve the peace."

"Huh." Duo frowned, turning his mug slowly between long fingers. "Might be a good idea, you know, Heero. Help you adjust to civilian life and all that, give you a sense of purpose." He shrugged. "What do you think?"

"I'm probably going to take it." I looked away. "From what she said � you'd probably be just as welcome there, you know�"

"�Oh." Duo looked into his coffee mug, and didn't say anything for a while. "I don't know, Heero," he said eventually, in a very quiet voice. "I'm really not all that great with taking orders, you know�"

"Even if it was just training � you've got a lot of skills�" I trailed off uncertainly. "Will you think about it?"

"Yeah." Duo looked at me. "I'll think about it, but no promises, OK? I'm not sure�"

"That's fine," I said hastily. It was enough, for the moment; perhaps, if I could find out how he felt about� me� I might� "Do you have any plans for this afternoon?"

"Hmm? No, nothing � there are no jobs on today." Duo gave me a curious look, tucking his bare feet up beneath himself. "Why, you got ideas?"

I flushed, looking down at my hands and trying to force the words out past my uncertainty and embarrassment. "Do you� I mean, would you like to go to dinner? And there's something�"

I was quietly thrilled to see his grin; it sent a shiver of something warm through me. "Is this a date, Heero?" He laughed slightly, and the little tendril withered.

I felt myself blushing. "�If� you want it to be�"

Duo froze, his lips slightly parted to speak, and I stared down at my lap miserably.

"I� Heero� I�" The crash of the coffee mug hitting the floor brought my head up with a jerk just as the bedroom door slammed behind Duo.

I don't know how long I sat there, staring at that closed and forbidding door, but eventually I realised that there was cooling coffee and broken china on the carpet, and got up to fetch a cloth from the kitchen. I felt numb. I had thought that Duo cared for me, but obviously I still had a lot to learn about human relationships.

I mopped up the spilled coffee, then took the sopping cloth back into the kitchen, tossing the smashed pieces of china into the bin. Then I took my tea and sat down on the couch, watching it slowly cool and wondering what to do now. Should I leave? But my bag was in the bedroom, where Duo was.

Duo was my friend. Even if he didn't like me in a romantic way, he was still my friend, wasn't he? Or had I spoilt that by grasping for more?

Slowly, I got to my feet and went to the bedroom, pausing uncertainly outside the door. I couldn't hear anything, and yet again I was reminded of this strange new Duo who seemed to have appeared. We had argued before, our brief disagreements usually ending with Duo stomping off to his room and playing heavy metal music at high volume for an hour or so. This new silence of his was a little� unsettling.

I knocked carefully on the door. "Duo?" There was silence, and reluctantly I tried the handle. He hadn't locked it.

He was sitting on the bed, back pressed against the slatted headboard and knees drawn up to his chest; he had changed into plain black jeans and a band t-shirt, and braided his hair. I wasn't sure he even saw me as I moved uncertainly into the room; he seemed to be staring at something only he could see, some other dimension of memory and sorrow. I wondered what treacherous ground I had inadvertently trespassed onto�

"Duo?" I climbed carefully onto the bed, kneeling at its foot to keep plenty of space between us. He turned his face away, laying his head down on his knees as though holding it up was just too much effort. "Duo, I'm sorry." I wondered what I could say to this. "Duo, I� like you. You're my best friend. You're important to me, and I thought we might have� something. I understand if you want me to leave, now, but please, tell me what's wrong?"

There was a long silence, then, "Don't leave," in a voice so muffled I wasn't quite sure I'd heard it. He still wouldn't look at me.

"Duo?" I tried to keep the quaver out of my voice. "You know I'm no good at emotional things, you have to talk to me."

Duo lifted his head just far enough to peer at me through his fringe. "You don't want me, Heero."

What? I blinked, opening my mouth to protest, but he overrode me. "You deserve better, someone beautiful and good like Relena. You deserve to be happy, you don't need a messed-up�" he choked on tears I knew I he wouldn't shed, and I couldn't help myself. I scrambled across the bed to his side, reaching out uncertainly to touch his arm. He flinched at the contact, though, and I hastily drew my hand away.

"I don't want anyone else. Duo, I � I think I love you. And you're not any more messed-up than I am," I added as an afterthought. "You understand me, Duo � no one else ever has�" My hand fell to rest on his shoulder again, and this time he didn't flinch away. There was a long silence between us for several minutes.

"Do you have any idea how long I'd been waiting for something like this?" Duo's voice was very soft. "And now� I� oh, hell." He seemed to shake himself, and I recognised with a sinking feeling that the cheerful mask was settling back across his features.

"Duo?"

"What did you want to do this afternoon?" He picked my hand off his shoulder almost absently, but didn't release it; I was heartened by the feeling of his fingers curling about mine.

"I � I thought we could go for pizza, then to the observation decks to watch the Earthrise." It was something we'd done before, a couple of times, on various colonies. The beauty of the Earth was incredible to anyone Colony-born, no less so for our having visited it.

"Sounds cool." Duo smiled at me, and it almost reached his eyes. We sat there on the bed for a long time after that, just looking at each other, our hands clasped gently together.

***

I knocked on the propped-open door somewhat uncertainly; there was no one visible in the office, but crashing noises and muted swearing were coming from somewhere in the garage. "Duo?" I called; he had wandered off to the scrapyard at about nine that morning, leaving me to shop for groceries and sit around the apartment thinking about� things. Duo, mostly; the way silence now seemed to wrap around him like a shroud, the shy and not-quite-believing way he smiled at me, the dark shadows in his eyes.

"Heero?" I peered around the corner into the garage area, my mind taking a moment to adjust to the new clutter there. Piles of electronic equipment � everything from bare wires and circuit boards to half-gutted TV units and microwaves � were scattered throughout the large area, though Duo's MG engine retained pride of place on its tarpaulin. Most of the space, though, was taken up by the dented hulk of what looked like an X350 model shuttle � a tiny colony hopper that was completely unsuitable for long-haul flight, let alone atmosphere entry.

"Isn't she cool?" Duo had somehow appeared behind me as I stared at the little spacecraft, wiping his hands on a rag. "Needs stripping down, but the frame and the electronics are sound."

"Hm. Computers?"

Duo shrugged, stuffing the rag into a pocket of his black overalls. "God knows; we haven't got that far. You can have a look if you want, but watch your footing � the skin's falling apart, and I think there are mice in the seats."

"Mice?!" I blinked at him in amazement.

Duo laughed. "Yeah, apparently this thing's been rusting in a junkyard on Earth for the last decade or so; Howard sent her up with the rest of the load; he must think we're bored or something."

"Might be worth something restored." I shrugged a little. "Polish it up and sell it to some rich idiot who wants a private yacht."

Duo considered. "Not a bad idea; I'll tell Hilde. Why are you here, anyway?"

"Oh. I just wanted to know what you want for dinner tonight, and if I should do laundry." That wasn't a lie, exactly; they were valid questions, but I had had ulterior motives in coming over here, and boredom had been nothing to do with them.

Duo frowned at me. "Dinner� um, we had pizza yesterday�"

We had; I had persuaded Duo to come out with me, and bought him dinner at a fairly nice pizzeria; very nice on this godforsaken colony. We had talked a little over dinner and watery American beer, then wandered slowly down to the observation decks, finding ourselves a spot clear of loiterers and junkies, leaning on the narrow metal railing and watching the Earth rise majestically into the viewing window. Even in that setting, it had been beautiful. So had Duo; the reflection of the blue-and-white planet in his eyes had been� breathtaking.

"I thought maybe curried chicken and rice," I suggested carefully, watching his face. Duo had always had something of a preference for spicy foods; he had told me it was something he'd picked up as a teenager on Sweeper ships, thrown suddenly from near-starvation on the L2 streets to a melange of clashing cultures in narrow shuttle corridors.

"That sounds cool." There was something in his eyes, but it wasn't the shining delight I might once have seen. Not for the first time, I wondered what hurt had caused him to hide himself away from me. During the war, frustrated with me anti-social habits, he had told me that I was like a frightened hedgehog, curling into a prickly ball whenever anyone else approached; it was strangely appropriate to his behaviour now. "Get some nan bread to go with?"

"I already did." I made the effort, smiling at him, and was rewarded with an answering grin that took my breath away. Quite without my willing it, my body leaned forward, hands clasping Duo's shoulders and lips pressing briefly to his. The next second we were staring at each other in a similar state of slightly flushed shock.

"�you kissed me." I blinked, realising that I had, and then suddenly there were strong arms around my neck and Duo's face was buried in my shoulder, his lean body pressed against me from chest to knees. After half a second of startlement my own arms seemed to realise what to do, and came up around him, holding him gently. My mind just stood there in puzzlement, trying to figure out when motor functions had escaped from conscious control.

"Heero." Duo whispered my name into my shoulder, but it sounded god when he said it, just as his body felt good in my arms. I decided that right there was a very good place to be, and stopped thinking at all, tightening my arms and pressing my face into his hair. He smelled good, a strange mixture of shampoo, engine oil, sweat, and something cleaner, like the dusty heat of a meadow in summer.

I let him go, easing away to look into his eyes, trying to find the real Duo underneath the protective masks. I wanted very badly to know what he needed to hide from, what pain he kept concealed from me, but I'd known him long enough to have realised that simply asking would get me exactly nowhere. This wasn't the Duo I knew, though� I felt my eyes widening as his face seemed to drift gently closer to mine, eyes blurring pools of indigo in the dim light of the garage. Then he was kissing me, his mouth just brushing gently against mine, and I stopped thinking again. Duo hummed, leaning further into the contact, his tongue pressing softly against my lower lip, asking a question. I answered by parting my lips, tilting my head and allowing him entrance. His tongue slid briefly against mine; he tasted of toothpaste and coffee and Duo and I was just� lost�

I don't know how long we stood there, tangled in each other's arms and just softly tasting each other, but afterwards when I looked at my watch I seemed to have lost several minutes somewhere. It might have been more, but the haze of sensation and warmth was rather rudely interrupted by Hilde slamming her way into the garage with a box of take-out Chinese, and suddenly Duo was all the way across the room, fiddling with something on his engine.

Hilde looked from one of us to the other � I thought we must have looked rather strange, me standing there flushed and dazed, staring into space, and Duo just as flushed, pretending a furious interest in the state of the gearbox, but she didn't say anything, and after a few moments of rather uncomfortable silence, I gave up the effort and excused myself.

***

I lay full-length on Duo's bed, stretched out with my laptop resting in front of me, watching as the screensaver cycled through pictures.

Hardly any of them I had actually taken myself; most of them had been Duo's, uploaded to the machine during my first visit to this place between the wars. In hindsight, I could see it now, the thread of emotion and need that connected me to the strange, brash American boy with the big eyes and the long hair. Deathscythe's pilot, maybe the best pilot I had ever met.

There were some pictures of Deathscythe in the collection, and I paused on them for a while, remembering what Quatre had said to me.

They had destroyed the Gundams, remote detonating them in a field on Earth; only Quatre and Trowa had been there. From what he had said, Duo had agreed that it was better to get the mecha out of the way as quickly as possible, so that they couldn't be perceived as a threat, but� He had still been in hospital at the time. I knew how Duo had felt about Deathscythe, how he had talked to the suit, called it his 'buddy'� Deathscythe hadn't just been a mobile suit to him.

It wasn't like Wing. I had been trained to think of my Gundam as just one of a range of tools available to me, had had it beaten into me that I was not to rely on it. Added to that, my ambivalent relationship with the Zero System� Deathscythe had been the only thing Duo had ever been able to rely on. To have not been there when it died� it must have eaten at him. Just one more in a string of things he had lost�

I banished the screensaver with a quick flick of my fingers, calling up a 'net connection and finding my way to a site I had first noticed a few months back. At the time I had thought it rather macabre, even ghoulish, to feast on the ghosts of the war like this, but� It still bothered me, looking at the information, the pages of illustrations and photographs, that people could think of this as a hobby. The Gundams, mobile suits, were machines of war and death; they were baptised in blood, and I thought it right that they should fade into memory. Still� memories were important. Our pasts� I reached down to my backpack, resting beside the bed, and dug out a small cardboard box, opening it and staring at the fragments of twisted metal within. They had been Quatre's parting gift, a physical reminder, he had said.

Flicking my way through the pages of the site, I found an address and memorised it, calling up a map of L2 to try and place the store. It would be easy to find the place and commission what I wanted done; more difficult to persuade the craftspeople of the necessity of working with the materials at hand. I shrugged, closing the connection and letting the screensaver take over again. This was for Duo, after all, and he had always told me I could be� persuasive.

Well, actually, what he had said was 'when you get that look on your face, even the President'd kiss the dust.'

Duo said a lot of things, but I still had no idea what was really bothering him. It was like he wasn't quite there with me � a ghost of his old self. Like the quiet, caring young man who lived underneath the joker had been locked away permanently. Ever since that day in the garage � we had been sort of tiptoeing around each other. We kissed occasionally, but no more than that, and only briefly. And the nights were awkward � the two of us staring at each other from opposite sides of the bed, long moments of deathly silence while I tried to work out what to say and Duo� waited for something? It almost seemed like he wanted to reach out, but was afraid of something. Yet I had seen this man � this boy � face OZ interrogators with a sneer on his face, and come up spitting blood in their faces.

He was beautiful. Every moment I saw him � the more I watched him, the more I wanted him, and watching him turn away from me to sleep, curling into a protective huddle of limbs and pyjamas, was becoming almost painful. I was starting to think that I had to do something, quickly, before I lost him completely, but I had no clue what.

I watched the pictures on the screensaver, seeing my own face, Quatre's, Trowa's, Duo's� I watched his eyes, seeing the light in them that was so conspicuously absent now, and wondered.

***

I was in the kitchen boiling water for tea when I heard the door slamming shut. I looked up, surprised to see Duo back so soon; it was barely three in the afternoon and usually he stayed much later at the garage.

"Heero?" He poked his head around the kitchen door, and I smiled over my shoulder at him, already filling the coffee pot.

"You're back early." I tried to keep the eagerness under wraps, the thought that perhaps he might want to come out to a movie with me, or even to dinner.

"Yeah, Hilde has a pile of paperwork to do and she's in a foul mood, so I left her to it." Duo shrugged easily, settling his hip against the counter beside me and poking through the dry dishes I had stacked on the surface. "Shit, Heero, you didn't have to do all this, you know." He looked vaguely uncomfortable. "You've been here all week and I haven't done any washing, or laundry, or anything."

I smiled to myself, an expression most people wouldn't even have recognised as pleasant. "You don't need to worry about it; I need to do something to help you, since you're letting me stay here."

"Man, Heero," Duo complained, "way to guilt-trip me!" He picked up a stack of plates and opened a cupboard, setting them in their place.

"I didn't mean to." I smiled at him; he looked so� Duo� in that moment. I wanted to kiss him, but the coffee maker beeped and Duo was instantly in motion, pouring himself a cup and adding milk and sugar. Quite a lot of sugar, I noticed, wondering if he felt tired. Maybe I could� I didn't know what I was doing. I felt so� there were so many new things in me, and I wasn't sure what to do about them. I knew things that couples did � that people did when they loved each other, but I had no idea what situations were appropriate for kissing, or holding hands, or snuggling on the couch, or� How was I supposed to indicate to Duo that I wanted him to hold me? I looked at him and� wanted things.

I was startled beyond speech when strong arms wrapped around my waist from behind; somehow Duo had moved while I had been preoccupied, and I knew that was something I ought to feel uneasy about, my instincts slipping in his presence, but� he was Duo. That was all.

"Duo," I murmured under my breath, leaning back against him and covering his hands with mine. They rested across my abdomen, just above my hipbones, and I could feel the whole length of him my pressing gently against my back. Duo. My� boyfriend? I didn't know; we hadn't made love, could we call ourselves lovers? Just the thought of making love to Duo� I shuddered, turning in his arms and bringing my lips to his demandingly.

"Huh�? �mmm�" Duo kissed me back breathily, humming a little in the back of his throat. I could feel that simple little vibration shuddering through my whole body, setting off a chain reaction of trembling desire as my hormones woke up to the fact that Duo had his arms around me and was pressing me back against the kitchen countertop. I slid my tongue into his mouth, my hands curving over his shoulders and down the tense muscles of his back, feeling the heat of his skin through the thin t-shirt he wore. My fingers met hair and I clutched at Duo's braid as though it could serve as an anchor to hold me to sanity in the midst of this roiling sea of sensation and emotion. We separated, gasping for breath, and I felt my eyes slide shut as his hands slipped down my back, cupping my ass lightly through my jeans and squeezing.

It felt� incredible. Better than I would have ever imagined � nothing in my training or experience had prepared me for the reactions this touch wrought in my body. I gasped, pulling Duo hard against me so that the swelling bulge between my legs met his, and that was when it happened.

Duo froze, his eyes widening in what almost seemed like alarm, and a tiny choking sound came from his throat. Suddenly, with the speed that had made him who he was � Shinigami, feared and revered in equal measure � he was backing away, retreating with a patter of faltering steps that turned into a bolt for the bedroom.

I felt a strange sense of d�j� vu. It took me several moments before I could really clear my head enough to realise what had happened, but when it had sunk in, I hastened to follow him, scrubbing my fingers through my hair in confusion. I had thought � it had certainly seemed like he had been enjoying� what we were doing� but as soon as he had realised it, he had panicked and backed off. What was this? I had never seen him like this before; had something terrible happened to him while he had been in custody on L3X18999?

"Duo?" I knocked on the bedroom door, but didn't wait for permission to enter. He was curled up on the bed, knees tucked to his chest and staring into space just as he did when we slept. I was sure now that something was wrong and approached cautiously. "Duo?"

"You don't want me, Heero." His voice was tiny, almost� fragile�?

I paused, then sat down carefully on the bed beside him. "Haven't we had this conversation before, Duo?" I rested one hand on his side, unmindful of his slight flinch at the contact.

"You don't want me," he repeated.

I was silent for a while, looking at the pieces I had already been given, turning them over in my mind, trying to make them fit together into a coherent whole. It was how I had always been taught to solve problems, by the application of logic. Emotions were difficult for me for that very reason, because they so often seemed the complete antithesis of logic.

"Why shouldn't I want you?" I eased myself down onto the bed, spooning up behind Duo and taking him in my arms. He froze up at the contact, and struggled a little, fitfully, but then sighed miserably and relaxed, the familiar contact a comfort. I wondered if this was what I should have been doing all along; breaking down his walls instead of allowing him to build them up by putting spaces and silences between us. "You have to tell me, Duo."

"'m ugly." The words were breathed so softly that I barely heard them.

"No you're not." I pressed a little closer, burying my face in the back of his neck. "You're beautiful."

"I'm not a girl, Heero," he sounded petulant and depressed. "You don't have to flatter me. I was always pretty funny looking, even before�" he stopped with a gulp, and pressed his face into the pillow.

"I know you're not a girl." I let one hand fall gently across his chest, just touching the hard, flat muscles there. "And I wasn't lying. I have always thought you were beautiful."

"Oh." He was silent for a very long time; I almost thought he had fallen asleep there in my arms, still curled into a tiny ball. It was like chemistry, I thought; he was trying to decrease his surface area as much as possible so as to decrease his chance of reaction with the outside world. His chance of being hurt.

"I'm not beautiful, Heero." His voice was muffled in the pillow. "I'm not even handsome; I'm just a messed-up kid�"

"I think you're very attractive." I tugged him closer, pressing my face into his shoulderblade and smelling that elusive summer-grass and engine-oil scent again. I breathed him in, trying to take as much of him into me as possible, as though this was still the war and I might lose him at any moment. "And� I know you had a bad childhood, Duo. So did I; I was an assassin by the time I was eight. They all died� and then J found me�" I couldn't hold back a shudder, and instantly Duo was turning in my arms, his own misery forgotten as he examined my face worriedly.

"Heero? You OK?"

I calmed myself with a massive effort, nodding. "I'm fine. Please, Duo, tell me � I know something's wrong, and I don't know what to do� You're different. Ever since� it's like you're not even really here � I love you, Duo. I don't know what to do."

"There isn't anything you can do."

"What?" I peered into his eyes; his face was flat and distant.

"I'm sorry, Heero, but� I can't. You don't want me�" He moved as if to leave the bed, leave the room, but I grabbed for his arm.

"No. Tell me, Duo. Don't run away from it."

He laughed, bitterly. "It's what I do, Heero. Run and hide�"

"But never lie," I finished quietly. "Talk to me."

He wrenched away from me, whirling to stand before the window, staring out into the heat and dust of the L2 industrial district; in the distance the piles of metal at the scrapyard made a stark relief against the slow curve of the colony hull. "I can't."

I reached for his arm only to have it pulled violently away. "What are you afraid of, Duo?"

"I'm not afraid!" It was almost a shout; I gave an uneasy glance to the thin apartment walls, then shrugged. Some things were more important than others.

"Yes you are. There's something eating at you, Duo; tell me what's wrong."

"I am not afraid!" He swung around, glaring at me, and I rose to face him, wondering if the violent words might become actions. I would not hurt him � but I wouldn't let him hurt me, either, if I could.

"I think you are." I kept my voice soft. "I don't understand this � you kiss me like you want to, but you're locking yourself away from me � you're hiding. Is it me, Duo?" I tried to keep my voice calm, but some of my insecurity came through that sentence. "I know I'm not any good at this emotional thing�"

"It's not you, OK?" Duo tugged distractedly at his braid. "There's nothing wrong with you, Heero, you're� Fuck. I just can't�!"

"Why not?"

"Bloody flaming hell!" He whirled on me, braid flying and eyes snapping blue sparks at me. "Because I'm scarred, OK? You wanted to know, well fine! I'm ugly and you don't want me, so get the hell out of here, all right?!"

"Scarred?"

"Yeah." Duo laughed with absolutely no humour. "Inside and out. Heero, just leave, please�"

"No." I sat down on the bed, carefully, thinking about the words he had spat at me. "You think scars make you ugly?" I didn't look at him, just reached for the hem of my tank top and peeled it off over my head.

"Heero, what�?" There was a shocked gasp, and suddenly he was kneeling before me, fingers reaching out to hover over the thick welts of scar tissue running across the left side of my torso. I realised as if in a dream that this really was the first time he had seen them; I had always worn some kind of shirt or covering before, even coming out of the shower.

Duo looked up at me, and his heart was in his eyes; I wanted to shout with joy that he was really there, really back with me at last. "Heero, where did you get this?" His voce was very soft and gentle, as though he might startle me away.

"Self-detonation." I shrugged a little, consciously feeling the pull of the scars as I so rarely did. "I lived through it; I was lucky."

"I never realised." Duo pulled his hand back uncertainly, then reached out again. "Can� can I touch?"

"If you want." Still, I flinched when his fingers connected with my chest, and he pulled back quickly with a gasp and an apology tumbling from his lips.

"Baka." I grasped his hand quickly. "You sound like Quatre." There was absolute silence for a second, then a startled snicker escaped him, our eyes meeting in amusement.

"You were listening after all." He smiled tremulously. "I thought you were asleep."

"I always listen to you." I made it as much of a statement as I could, unsurprised when he chortled and poked me in the ribs.

"Could have fooled me." His fingers went back to gently exploring the ridged paths of my scars, tracing them down from my shoulder over my heart and ribs. I gasped and shuddered when gentle fingers brushed past a nipple, and he flinched, looking up at me with wide eyes. "Heero�"

I set my fingers softly over his, just letting my hand touch his for a while. "Do you think I'm ugly?"

He looked away, flushing. "It's not the same, Heero�"

I bent down, taking his face in my hands, fingers sliding into silky hair, cradling his head gently. Up close, his eyes were even bigger; they filled my whole world. Deep oceans, the autumn sky at dusk� a violet-tinged blue deeper than either. I kissed him, gently at first, just a simple touch of our lips, but he leaned into me, hands sliding around my neck, and I parted my lips, slid my tongue between his, did my best to render him breathless and gasping.

"Heero�" He sagged against me when I finally released him, and I leaned backwards, tugging him with me until we were sprawled half on top of each other on the bed, Duo's braid snaking across the both of us. I picked it up, cradling the end possessively.

"Show me."

"�what?"

I looked him in the eye and tried to smile. "Show me these scars that you think make you ugly."

He started back away from me, and for a moment I thought he might bolt; I clutched the end of his hair to my chest reflexively, trying to keep him with me.

"Heero�" It was pleading, sorrow and fear all in one whisper of my name; he didn't seem to know what else to say.

"Show me."

"�All right." Duo backed away from me, rolling onto his side and tugging at his braid with one hand until I released it. "But� just� I need to� Shit." I smirked a little as he shook his head ruefully. I could see the fear in his eyes, and I thought I understood it now. He was afraid that I would think him ugly, afraid that I would reject him; this was why he had been so distant from me these past two weeks, why he had tried to keep me from getting close to him. It sent an odd sort of thrill through me, to realise that he really must care about me very much, even though he hadn't actually said�

Duo had scrambled to his feet, standing between me and the window so that the light outlined his figure alluringly as he squirmed out of his clothing. First the t-shirt, over his head, then shoving the black jeans down his hips, and I realised with an odd sort of shock that couldn't seem to decide whether to be happy or foreboding that he was sliding off his boxers as well. I sat up cross-legged on the bed, some dimly distant part of my mind wondering whether to be scandalised.

Duo stepped slowly out of his clothing and straightened, standing before me in nothing but his cross and his hair, face flaming and turned away.

I inhaled audibly, comprehension flooding my mind as I realised just why a few scars had been bothering him so much. That must have hurt�

Duo's body was beautiful � perfectly proportioned and sleekly muscled, though still quite slight. However, there was no denying the pale pinkish scars which marred the pale perfection of his skin, spreading in what was almost a starburst pattern across his abdomen and upper thighs. I had seen some of this before, but hadn't made the connection � the harnesses we wore when battling with our Gundams had had protective padding over both the stomac