Lucius Malfoy made a strange, groaning sort of noise and tugged distractedly at a handful of his hair. Already a thick dusting of fine blond strands decorated the shoulders of his hideously expensive Cornelius Klein robe. Black might suit the pale Malfoy colouring excellently, but it is something of a poor choice when one tends to shed.
�Nothing!� Lucius announced melodramatically, slamming the book down on the table and flinging his arms wide in an extravagant gesture that was meant to indicate his utter displeasure with the current circumstances. �There�s nothing! We are all doomed! Doomed, I tell you! We shall be forced to live as Muggles, shall be driven into hiding never to show our faces in society again!�
Draco Malfoy picked a long blond hair out of his dessert and laid it discreetly on the side of his plate, ignoring his father, who was now rhapsodising about how they would soon be forced to sell the Manor and eat the house elves. Across the table from Lucius, Narcissa Malfoy stared dreamily into space, pondering the difficult decision of which shade of lipstick to put on after lunch. Currently she was torn between Dusky Pearl and Pearly Dusk; it was just too vexing.
�Father?� Draco ventured after a while, when it became clear that Lucius was perfectly willing to continue ranting on until he went completely bald without making any more sense than he had already.
��in a ditch, wearing animal skins and subsisting entirely on turnips! Woe, pain and � yes, Draco?�
Draco regarded his father warily. Lucius� eyes were fixed, his hair in what could only be described as a state of wild disarray, and he had a slightly manic grin on his face that was really rather scary. �What are you talking about?� Draco asked, thinking that simplicity was probably the best option.
�What � whu!� Lucius sputtered, glaring at Draco in wounded outrage. Draco wondered if the old man had finally lost it this time. �Have you heard nothing I have said? There is nothing here, nothing!� Lucius made a grand sweeping gesture towards the book lying face-down before his plate, knocking over his wife�s goblet in the process and splashing Chardonnay across the table. Hastily, Draco snatched up the book before it could be inundated, and turned it over to look at the cover. A house elf appeared at his father�s elbow and mopped up the spilled wine with a damp cloth and a snap of its fingers.
�What to Get Your Dark Master for Christmas?� Draco opened the slim volume at random, and read: �Bonio Skull Polish: For that glossy, gleaming cue-ball shine!� He turned the page. �Diamadents: strike sparks with these Authentic Diamond Dentures, guaranteed to reduce your enemies to quivering heaps! I thought you�d got your Master a present already, Father. It�s only three days until Christmas, you know.�
Lucius tipped his head back and wailed in a manner which he thought was childlike, but which was in fact much more reminiscent of the high-security wing of St. Mungo�s. �I can�t find anything he�d liiiiiiike!� Two great tears welled up in his eyes and plopped onto the table.
�Well, did you try the Evil Overlord Gift Guide?�
�Of course I did, first thing! I�m not insane, you know!� Draco privately doubted this, but decided not to make an issue of it as Lucius fixed him with a hopeful, pleading look. �Can you think of anything?�
�Anything what, dear?� Across the table, Narcissa appeared to have rejoined the present moment.
�I need to get Lord Voldemort something for Christmas, and I can�t think of anything,� Lucius informed her with his lip trembling. More hairs fell from his shoulders onto the tabletop.
Narcissa frowned. �Perhaps some skin cream, Lucy? I haven�t liked to mention it while he�s around, but the poor dear does have that little problem� No? Well, then, what about eye drops? After all, crimson really is so pass�, someone should have a word with him about it��
Draco noted with amusement that his father�s jaw had actually dropped this time. �What about Harry Potter, father?�
Lucius rolled his eyes. �Not again, Draco��
�No, I mean, he�s what Voldemort wants, isn�t he? So you could give Potter to him, all wrapped up like a Christmas present�� Draco�s eyes became slightly unfocused.
Lucius frowned at him. �We can�t get to him, we�ve tried far too many times.� Was it him, or had Draco just muttered something about ribbons? The look on his face was making Lucius nervous. �I already thought of that, and it won�t work.�
Draco shrugged in that lazily elegant way that Lucius hated. He had never been able to master that particular mannerism. �Well, how about That Mudblood Granger? The Dark Lord can have all the satisfaction of torturing her to death, and knowing he�s hurting Potter at the same time. Sort of a two-for-one.�
�She�s no easier to get to than Potter himself; do be realistic.�
Draco pouted, wide eyes still a little glazed. �Weasley?� he said desperately.
�No, Draco.�
�But your Master would really like that!�
�Or how about some of that Hair Potion Sevvie made up for you? He looks very dashing in his toupee, but it does lack class.� Two pairs of Malfoy grey eyes stared incredulously at Narcissa, who was off in a dreamy little world of her own. �Of course, a weekend at the new Sulis Minerva Health Spa would do him a world of good. And then we could commission him some new robes, perhaps something daring in electric blue, with indigo trim�� She burbled on, unaware that she was now being systematically ignored by both husband and son.
�Well,� Draco said at last, having examined and discarded several suggestions on the grounds that Voldemort probably wasn�t that interested in what colour underwear Harry Potter wore, and even less so in whether they were boxers or briefs. �You could get him a pet Acromantula. He could feed Po� uh, people he doesn�t like to it. Strike fear into the hearts of many, that sort of thing.�
�No good, Macnair gave him one of those last year. Bloody bootlicker,� Lucius muttered under his breath. �Avery ended up taking care of it, and it ate him in March.�
�What happened to it?�
�Died,� Lucius said gloomily. �Indigestion.�
�Oh. Well, maybe we could find some old book of curses that he could use on Potter.�
�Draco.� Lucius gave him the Look. Or rather, attempted to; stern paternal remonstrance was somewhat spoiled by the way his left eyelid was twitching.
�Yes, father?� Draco tried to put on his �innocent little angel� face, but it got stuck halfway, decided it was incompatible with his current mental imagery, and decamped hastily.
�What is it that I am always telling you?�
Draco glowered at the table and recited �Harry Potter is not the centre of the universe. I should think about something else as this is an unhealthy obsession� in a sing-song voice. �Just because I haven�t managed to sedu� utterly humiliate him yet,� he muttered rebelliously.
�Enough, Draco. If I didn�t know better I�d suspect you�d been the victim of a Slashing Hex.� Lucius frowned down at him, and Draco squirmed uncomfortably in his seat.
�Slashed velvets are very in this season, but one should take care to wear them in moderation.� Narcissa beamed blankly around the table into the teeth of the ravening silence.
�A Slashing Hex?� Draco said after a moment, examining his arms curiously. �I haven�t been��
�If you don�t know, I�m not going to tell you,� Lucius informed the air above Draco�s head. ��give you ideas�� he muttered under his breath.
Draco glared at him, dusting more pale strands off his robes. �At least I�m not the one who�s moulting.�
At this rate it was going to be the �Best Evil Overlord Ever!� mug again.