Fade

lives you once adored
will fade away
lies you can't ignore
you'll soon repay
as you fade away�

The mind writes deeply in the body.

He wakes uncertainly, vague memories of dream echoing insubstantially in his mind. Formless colours, a handful of disconnected impressions fading even as he tries to chase them down. Darkness greets his eyes, thin slivers of dim light inserting themselves through chinks in the heavy curtains above his bed. That is not what has woken him; the clock on his night table illuminates a bare hour since he lay down to sleep.

Duo frowns, then jerks upright as the realisation hits him; he is not alone. There is unmistakably someone in the room with him, and his hand automatically fumbles beneath the pillow for a weapon he no longer carries.

A hand descends onto his face, hovering just shy of touching his skin. Duo anticipates the contact, leans involuntarily into it, pressing his cheek into a familiarly callused palm. The soft whisper of skin to skin shivers through him like a shock, tingling out to his fingers and toes. He hears a sighing exhalation of breath, and then there is weight on the mattress beside him, the fingers moving around his neck in an unsubtle caress. They tangle into the hair at his nape, tugging gently at the base of his braid as breath hits his skin a second before lips meet his.

He is drowning. There is nothing subtle about this kiss, everything heated and eager in the way their mouths fit together, tongues sliding and caressing. Duo draws a shuddering breath, reaching up to clutch at strong, muscled shoulders. A breathless laugh rumbles against his chest, and he is pressed back against the pillows, a warm solid form moving to cover him. The sheet that might have been between them is gone now; he can feel hot-soft-smooth skin pressing, sliding, dragging against his own as weight settles against him.

Duo welcomes it, encourages it, slides his hands into rough messy hair and imagines that he can see the non-existent light glinting off blue eyes. He feels a smile against his skin as a hot, demanding mouth moves downwards, the familiarity of the sensations in no way diminishing their effect on him. He gasps for breath as teeth latch onto a nipple, worrying at engorged flesh, moans as hands find their way beneath the waistband of his shorts. His own hands are moving downwards too, clutching and kneading at smooth planes of hard muscle, tugging the other closer. He closes his eyes, imagination painting in the colours that darkness refuses to reveal, and surrenders to his partner's insistent mouth.

***

Heero looked up from his desk in irritation as a commotion in the outer office indicated that his partner had finally arrived. He pushed himself to his feet, fully intending to go and inform Duo of just how late he was, but Wu Fei's amused voice gave him pause.

"Have a good night, Maxwell?"

Heero's eyes flickered immediately to Duo; he was just straightening up from the printer with a sheaf of papers in hand, his jacket slung casually over one shoulder. Clearly visible above the line of his collar were two irregular reddish patches that gave mute testimony in support of Chang's conclusion.

"Maybe." Duo looked up, his eyes crinkling as they met Heero's. His lips quirked in an amused smile, and he sauntered over towards the office the two of them shared, waving the papers over his shoulder in salute to Wu Fei, who was still standing by the printer. Heero rolled his eyes as Duo brushed past him through the doorway, heading for his desk, and shook his head at Chang, turning to trudge back to his own station.

***

It's been going on for years. Ever since that first night together, crammed into a narrow bed with barely enough room for two people, let alone Duo's catalogue of injuries. Oh, there had been nothing sexual to it then; that had developed later. Just comfort � sharing. Huddling together against the cold.

Duo had known then that it had been the first time that Heero Yuy had ever been held by anybody; the boy was clumsy and uncertain, stiffening when Duo tried to snuggle against him. What he didn't realise until much later was just how much Heero had read into what, for him, was simple comfort; a vagrant memory of other times of hurt and cold.

Heero had been gone by the time the colony mirrors were angled to catch the sunlight; it's the pattern of their whole relationship. Even on Peacemillion, when they had been forced by exigency to share a tiny cabin, Duo had woken to the sight of the upper bunk bowed down beneath Heero's weight, the echoes of night-time touches still imprinted on his skin.

By day, they remain nothing more than friends, comrades, partners. Night has become a whole other world of touch, where words are spoken by hands against skin, voices only for whispers of encouragement, desire, ecstasy. Darkness heralds the shift; in Duo's mind now he is two people. There is the man who works with Heero, who watches his back, and there is the man who knows just where to touch to elicit gasps of shuddering delight.

Years, Duo thinks as he waits in the darkness, listening for the creak of the door that will signal Heero's coming to him. He doesn't question that the other man will come, not any more. Every night, regardless of missions or injuries or exhaustion; every night for the last five years. Even if for nothing more than the comfort of touch, Heero will come to him. Duo cocks his head, smiling as he hears the sound of the spare key in the lock. If Heero needs this silence, this secrecy, Duo will give it to him.

***

Heero hunkered down into his black bomber jacket, staring at his watch. Duo should have been back by now � Duo should have been back fifteen minutes ago. It was getting damn close to the detonation time�

"Damn it, Maxwell, where are you?" Beside him, Chang was muttering to himself as he too checked and re-checked his watch. Sally was waiting for the pair of them with the van, monitoring the radio scanners. They were as sure as they could be that the innocuous-looking warehouse was empty right now; that was why they had gone in so early. Duo had insisted on being the one to set the charges, but Duo was wearing a jammer; he might not show up on the Preventers' screens, but he wouldn't show up on anyone else's, which was usually more of a concern.

Except right now. Duo was very, very late, and Heero was beginning to get jittery. Twisting around, he scrambled up onto his knees and peered over the narrow parking-lot wall they were using for cover. Street lamps made pools of dull orange glow on the rough cement of the sidewalk and loading bay, conspicuously failing to glint off a long brown braid and a pair of wry indigo eyes.

All sorts of scenarios were running through Heero's mind. Duo was never this late on a placement detail � what if the drug manufacturers had returned to their warehouse while the Preventers were setting up for the mission? What if they had been there all along, and were holding his partner hostage? What if Duo had just plain got himself trapped? Heero really didn't like the idea of his partner being in danger; after all, it was his job to watch Duo's back.

"Chang to Po," Wu Fei muttered beside him, wrist mike raised to his mouth. "Where the hell is Maxwell, damn it?"

"No idea." Sally's quiet, concerned voice murmured in his ear. "The countdown's still go."

That didn't reassure Heero; Duo had an override key to the timers, but if he couldn't physically use it�

"Sixty seconds," Wu Fei hissed as his and Heero's watches beeped quietly in unison. Heero ground his teeth, watching the little digital numbers counting down � too slow, too fast. Forty-five, thirty, twenty, fifteen�

***

It's been five or six years now. Duo's pretty sure that if Heero thinks of this arrangement as anything other than convenient sex, he'd have said something already. But it's so stupidly easy to delude himself that this is just Yuy's way � the man doesn't exactly have the most solid grasp of human interaction, after all. And maybe it's less painful to think of himself as someone's sex toy when he knows that it's the closest thing to a real relationship Heero will ever have.

The sex is good, though. And it's not as though Heero isn't, what's the word, flexible. There's only ever one constant in their lovemaking � and despite his best efforts, that's how Duo's coming to think of it�

***

"Got him!" Sally's shout was loud enough that for a moment Heero thought the charges had detonated early. "On visuals, moving towards you� He's not going to make it!"

Heero swore, trying to scramble to his feet, but Wu Fei held him back, pulling him down beneath the cover of the wall as their watches beeped again and the world rocked.

It seemed to take forever for the sound and fury to diminish; Heero pressed himself back into the wall as dust and debris showered around them; he could feel the larger pieces of shrapnel impacting the wall behind him. As soon as the crunching impact of masonry had ceased � before the dust had even begun to settle � Heero struggled to his feet, shaking off Wu Fei's restraining hand.

"Sally, report!" he demanded tersely, scanning the gloom for signs of life. The charges had blown perfectly, as they should have, and nothing remained of the warehouse but a collapsed shell filled with rubble. Flames flickered greedily among the debris.

The scene would send a powerful message to the narcotics gang which had been using the abandoned building as a storage facility, but in order to create the right impression the Preventers needed to be offsite before the emergency services arrived. Already Heero could hear the thin wail of sirens in the distance; they didn't have much time.

"He was nearly to your position when the blast hit," Sally reported soberly over the com. "About ten metres out, twenty or thirty to your left �"

"Roger." Heero set his teeth grimly, and began picking his way through the debris, only to be startled out of his brooding by a cry from Wu Fei.

"Yuy, over here!" The Chinese man was crouched over a large piece of corrugated iron that looked like it had once been part of the warehouse roof. Heero joined him to help yank the jagged sheet of metal off what he new recognised as the inert form of his partner. Fortunately for Duo, the large fragment seemed to have prevented the smaller shrapnel from causing him damage.

Wu Fei checked the American agent's vitals while Heero exerted his strength to push the heavy rubble aside.

"How is he?" he asked anxiously, returning to his partner's side. Heero drew in a hissed breath at the sight of the large, knotted discoloration at Duo's temple, the bruising already taking on tones of blackish violet.

"Just unconscious, as far as I can tell." Wu Fei still had two fingers beneath the braid, keeping an eye on the pulse. "He's going to have one hell of a concussion, but there's nothing broken. Do you want to move him?"

Heero frowned, assessing the risk of aggravating his partner's injuries as the sirens came closer. They couldn't be more than a couple of streets away� "We'll have to," he decided, stooping to slide his arms beneath the limp form and straightening up with a grunt. For someone always so light on his feet, Duo was surprisingly heavy.

Wu Fei went on ahead, picking a careful path through the tumbled rubble towards the side street where Sally waited in the van. By the time they rounded the corner she had the side doors open and was standing ready with the medical kit, a blanket spread out on the floor of the rear compartment. Without comment, Heero carefully laid Duo down, scrambling into the van after him. Wu Fei had already climbed behind the wheel, and gunned the engine, pulling the unmarked vehicle away from the kerb before Heero even had the doors fully shut.

When he turned around, Sally was kneeling beside Duo, attaching electrodes to his temples to hook him up to the EEG.

"He OK?" Heero wedged himself between two flight cases, reaching out to steady his partner as Wu Fei took a corner at a rather dubious speed. Sally, with her paramedic training, rocked with the motion, only needing to brace one hand on the floor. It was at that precise moment that the EEG monitor beeped, and Duo stirred with a loud groan, lifting one shaking hand to press to his head.

"Damn," he slurred out, keeping his eyes squeezed tight shut. "Anyone get the number of the Gundam that stomped on me�?" Sally rolled her eyes, and bent to checking his pulse again, swaying easily with the motion of the van.

Heero frowned, but knowing what was coming next, reached for the medical kit to grab a basin.

"Hey, 's it me or are we moving?" Duo asked in a slightly more comprehensible tone, slitting open and attempting to lever himself upright despite Sally's restraining hand in the middle of his chest. The inevitable happened just as Wu Fei was slowing the van to a more discreet speed; Duo turned a pale greenish colour and began retching.

Sally whipped the basin from Heero's hands with almost inhuman speed and had it in place just in time, rubbing Duo's back carefully. Heero eased himself back into his corner with a frown, pondering Duo's words. Perhaps it was just the concussion, but still� What on earth was a Gundam when it was at home?

***

The infirmary lights are dim, but still too bright to his sensitised eyes. He turns his face away from them into the coolness of the pillow, smelling disinfectant, smoke, sweat.

He doesn't know how long he lies there, unmoving despite the throb of his aching skull. But eventually, familiar footsteps echo through the darkened hospital ward. There is a pause, and then he feels the hard mattress dip, and a warm weight settles against his side. Duo smiles sleepily, turning into Heero's warmth, inhaling soap and spices, and lets himself drift.

He wakes abruptly, with no sense of time passed. Someone is gently shaking his shoulder; he peers up through slitty eyes into the dark face of the nurse. Concussion, he remembers muzzily, and sighs, settling himself back down to try and sleep some more. Heero must have left when he heard the woman come in. He's never there when Duo wakes�

***

Heero frowned when he entered the office and was confronted with his partner, head bent industriously over a desk full of paperwork. "Duo, are you sure you should be here?" He slung his jacket over the back of his chair and slumped into it, rubbing his temples as he began powering up his workstation.

"Yeah, but sitting around the infirmary is so damn boring," Duo complained, shuffling a set of forms into his outbox and reaching up, stretching his arms above his head with a wince. The motion made the loose sleeves of his fatigue t-shirt slide down his biceps, revealing a patchwork of bruises and small cuts. "Besides, it's not like you can have got much more sleep, yanno?"

"Hmm?" Heero frowned, scanning absent-mindedly through the messages in his inbox. What did Une want to see him about now�? "Actually, I managed to get home fairly early after debriefing." Early enough to be able to call Relena before bed, always a bonus. They'd made plans for the weekend, too�

"Huh?" Heero looked up in confusion when the silence became drawn. Duo was regarding him strangely, looking as though he couldn't quite make up his mind what to say. "Duo?"

"Tch." Duo shook his head vehemently, eyes sliding away. "Just forget it, Yuy." But there was definitely something almost� sad? �in his voice. Heero frowned, sending off a reply to Une's secretary to let her know he was available. Maybe it was just the after-effects of the concussion; God knew that could mess a person up. The first time a perp had knocked him over the head, he'd fallen right on his ass and been useless for a week. Heero made a mental note to check with the infirmary; they probably had Duo on desk duty for the next few days, but there was no way his independently-minded partner would actually 'remember' to mention that to him.

A message came back almost instantaneously, summoning Heero to the Director's office ASAP. Sighing, he climbed to his feet and wished fleetingly for another cup of coffee. Maybe, if his luck was in and there wasn't about to be another emergency, he could stop off at the machine on his way back down.

Duo hadn't even queried his abrupt leave-taking, Heero realised as he punched the button for the top floor, feeling the familiar jerk of the lift car grinding into motion. The engineers had been working on that for as long as Heero had been with the force, with very little progress. He frowned as the familiar shriek of unhappy gears announced the elevator's arrival on the executive floor. Surely, even with the Alliance budget cuts, they could afford to fix one malfunctioning mechanical device!

Une didn't keep him waiting long; when he was summoned into the office she was sitting behind a pile of papers larger even than the customarily-neglected stack Duo was dealing with downstairs.

"Agent Yuy." She examined the folder in her hands briefly, then tossed it carelessly into a tray. "How's Maxwell doing? The MO says he insisted on going back to work."

Heero shrugged, rolling his eyes. "Still a bit concussed, I think, but he's only doing paperwork."

"Fine, then." The Commander issued a brief, wry grin, leaning back in her chair and looking at him over her glasses. She was wearing her hair up in tight braided buns today, Heero noticed; a new style for her, though still severe. "Agent Yuy, I called you up here because I've received reports that you've been romantically linked with the daughter of Peacecraft Corporation's CEO."

Heero stared at her, processing that. "I thought personal lives were just that, ma'am."

"In most cases, yes." Une shook her head irritably, removing her glasses and peering at the lenses. "However, the prominence of the Peacecraft family makes this a special case. By all accounts she's a very nice girl � Relena, is it?" Heero sighed, then nodded stiffly, eyeing the commander somewhat askance.

"Very good; then I will need to make a notation in your file. You realise that this means that you will be barred from certain investigative and security assignments?"

"I know." Heero rolled his shoulders irritably. He had indeed known this was coming, and it wasn't a problem as such. No, the problem was going to be when others besides the Director of Preventers found out. Heero really didn't relish the idea of being fodder for the tabloid gossip columnists. His family would be certain to disapprove.

***

The phone wakes him far too early in the morning for his liking. Duo groans, fumbles for the handset, and wishes that Heero might for once consider sticking around longer than it takes for him to fall asleep. Even knowing in his mind that it's just sex, convenience, it's sometimes difficult for his heart to accept.

"Yeah?" he mutters into the receiver, wincing as he smells his own breath. Swallowing always seems like such a good idea right up until the morning-after-breath.

"Duo?" a female voice, somehow at once vaguely familiar and unrecognised. He frowns, wracking his brains as to where he's heard it before.

"Yeah, and you are?" There is a muffled gasp on the other end of the line, and the voice hardens.

"Duo, it's me. You haven't called for weeks � you forgot your brother's birthday, for crying out loud! Andrew was really upset�" A middle-aged woman. Suddenly, he's very glad that the vid-console for the line is still docked in the living room.

"Um, I think you've got the wrong number, ma'am." He tries to be polite, but this is creeping him out a little. "My name's Duo Maxwell, but I don't have any family. I'm sorry." He hears something akin to a muffled sob on the other end before he puts the phone down, but doesn't think much of it. Although it's a shame, really; if he had a nice mom like that he'd call every day. Some people just don't know how lucky they are.

Wrinkling his nose at the state of himself, Duo heads to the bathroom to wash away the last remnants of the night. If the sex wasn't so good, he thinks, he probably would have ended this little unspoken arrangement a long time ago. As it is, he has to wash the sheets far too often for his liking. His hormones don't seem to have slacked off much since his teens. Heero's either.

***

Heero growled quietly to himself as he felt his pager vibrating in his pocket. Whispering a quick excuse to his date, he eased himself discreetly out into the red-plush foyer, ignoring the disapproving glances of the ushers, and flipped open his PDA, dialling the familiar numbers for HQ.

"Chang here," Wu Fei answered almost immediately, a certain tone of exasperation in his voice.

"Yuy." Heero frowned at a fur-coated woman heading into the ladies' room. "This had better be good."

Wu Fei snorted irritably. "Depends on your definition of good. I've just had your damn partner's mother on the phone, insisting that he's sick."

"The fuck?" Heero felt very much like throwing both hands up.

"Exactly." Wu Fei snorted again. "Apparently he's been insisting that they're not related, or some such bullshit."

"Bloody fuck." Heero sighed and scrubbed an absent hand over his eyes. "Maybe the concussion was worse than we thought�"

"I already told her that, but the damn woman was practically hysterical." Chang sounded highly unsympathetic; Heero recalled that this was his day off too. He was probably lucky that he'd spent the day with Relena, otherwise he'd have received a half dozen calls by now.

"So what do you want me to do about it? I'm kind of busy here, Chang."

"Damn." Wu Fei muttered something highly uncomplimentary about Duo Maxwell and a sheep; Heero had to bite his tongue not to laugh. "Well, do you have the number of that ex of his, then? What-was-her-name�?"

"Hilde?" Heero frowned, adjusting the earpiece cord so that he could scroll through his contacts database. "Yes � 653-421-088. She lives a hell of a lot closer than I am right now, anyway. See if you can get her to bring him into the infirmary or something, huh?"

"Copy that." Wu Fei still sounded irritated as he signed off. Heero stood there for a moment, staring down at the blinking voice-mail icon in the corner of the screen. He wasn't sure he wanted to know what else had been going on right now. And besides, he had his pager for emergencies. Anyone who really needed him could get hold of him, he reassured himself, flipping the handheld off and stuffing it back into a pocket as he returned to the darkened theatre.

***

He feels� disconnected. He has all day, slopping around his apartment in bare feet and sweats, a ratty old tank-top hanging half off his shoulders and his hair straggling everywhere. He's tried calling Heero a couple of times, but the bastard obviously has his cell turned off, and he's not answering his home number.

Duo groans, rolling his shoulders irritably and flopping down into an uncomfortable sprawl on the couch. The things he doesn't want to think about are swirling around his brain again, almost visible. Things like it has to be more than just sex, even for him and it doesn't count unless he loves me back, anyway.

Oh, hell. He wriggles absently, extracting the remote control from beneath his spine. The sex is good; that's all that really matters. That's a good enough reason to go on, isn't it�?

The remote control vibrates in his hand, and he belatedly realises that it is in fact the phone. Duh. He mimes smacking himself in the head with it, rolling his eyes. Stupid, Maxwell. That kind of carelessness would have gotten you killed back in the war. Heero would probably have one of his little security-is-all hissy fits.

"Yeah?" He turns onto his back again, stretching absently. Damn, where the hell has Heero got to? Usually the five of them try to make time at the weekends to hang out for a bit; he'd been hoping for a therapeutic game of basketball that would allow him to get his hands all over a hot, sweaty Heero Yuy with no one the wiser. And if his fingers happened to slip a little� well, it wasn't like Tro or Q would care, and Fei never noticed that kind of thing. All about honour and masculinity, that guy.

"Duo?"

Another concerned female voice, but this one is at least familiar. Duo blinks, checking his watch and reckoning up the Brussels-L2 time difference.

"Hilde? Why the hell are you calling at this time of night?" He's not wrong; it's hours after midnight where she is.

"What?" Now she just sounds confused. "Duo, it's the middle of the day, you idiot. Have you been drinking?"

"Huh?" Duo frowns at his watch some more, holding the phone to his ear with one shoulder and giving the small device a couple of prods. "'Course not, babe. Come on, why the hell are you putting in a direct call from L2 at this time?"

"L2?" There's a burst of smothered sound, as though someone has gasped. "Duo, I'm about two miles north-east of you, and you know it as well as I do."

"What, you came to visit me?" He can't help but be pleased at the concept, even though this is making him very, very uneasy now. "Or are you just trying to pull one on me? Nice try, sis�"

"Okay, that tears it." He hears her swallow. "Duo, your mom's right. You really don't seem yourself. I want you to stay there, okay? I'm gonna be right over." There are more sounds in the background, as of keys jangling and doors slamming.

Now he's worried. What the fuck is she on? Or maybe he's hearing things � God knows that was one hell of a concussion he landed himself with the other day. "Okay." He bites his lip. "Look, you don't really need to come over � I can go to the doctor's on Monday or something. I feel fine, really�"

"Like hell." She must be talking on her cell, he realises, because he can hear the distinctive sounds of traffic in the background. "Just stay right there, love, and I'll be there in ten, okay?"

***

He fidgets all the way to Headquarters. Hilde isn't talking much, just shooting him little concerned looks out of the corner of her eye whenever traffic slows. The freeways are choked to a crawl; typical Saturday afternoon, Duo thinks to himself, leaning his head against the doorframe and wishing it would all go away.

He doesn't know what's going on any more; he isn't sure he wants to. Everything solid, everything he relies on, suddenly seems to be shifting ominously beneath him. All the things he doesn't think about are clustering for his attention, and Duo closes his eyes against the autumn light, trying to shut them out.

It's just the light. The concussion, he corrects himself after a moment of confusion. Maybe he has a minor haemorrhage or something, a skull fracture. Inner ear imbalance � God knows explosions can mess with your head. That first time with Heero, after Deathscythe refused to detonate, he'd still been dizzy with the aftershocks of cannon-fire. Part of the reason why the damn Ozzies had beaten him so badly, too�

They make the turn-off into HQ eventually, and Hilde parks in the public lot. For a moment Duo thinks she's going to bustle around and physically help him out of the car, but she simply opens the door for him. He gets to his feet slowly, looking around. Mostly he uses the agents' car parks; he hasn't spent much time here.

A flash of familiar colour crosses his vision, and he turns to see a tall man about his own age hurrying towards the elevators, that same sweep of long brown fringe covering his face.

"Trowa!" Duo calls out, but the bastard only turns his head slightly as he exits the lot, just enough for Duo to confirm that he is Heavyarms' pilot. He frowns, then shrugs. Maybe Trowa is just too busy, or maybe he thinks Duo is a reporter or something. He lets Hilde take his arm, leading him up to Medical as though he's a child. He feels like one.

***

"Hey�" Heero poked his head around the office door uncertainly; he'd heard voices on his way past.

Duo looked up from his desk, where he was fiddling with his paper clips somewhat nervously. His eyes lit up visibly when he saw his partner, and his back straightened. "Hey, Heero! Come to keep the condemned company?"

"I only have a moment." Heero looked at his watch somewhat guiltily; they were going to be late for dinner, and he'd left Relena sitting downstairs in the car. He'd have to repay her for her patience later. "I just dropped by to see how you were. Where's Hilde?"

"Oh, she had some appointment or other." Duo waved a hand negligently over his shoulder. "The med-tech made me promise to wait right here until the scan results came through."

"That's good." Heero glanced absently over his shoulder; the intensity of his partner's gaze was making him a little nervous. "It was a pretty bad concussion; you were talking some nonsense about gundams and scythes when you first came out of it�" He trailed off helplessly at the look on Duo's face.

"If this is a joke, Yuy's it's not� a�"

Heero frowned as the words died out, then started as a delicate, familiar hand was laid on his arm. Duo was staring, but for the moment Heero was more concerned about whether Relena was angry with him.

"I'm sorry; I shouldn't have left you for so long," he began, but she smiled reassuringly.

"Actually, I only came up because Quatre phoned. He and his fianc�e are going to be a little late, so there's no need for us to hurry."

"Oh." Heero couldn't help but smile down at her for a moment, she looked so beautiful in the last of the autumn sunlight coming through the windows.

"Excuse me?" Duo's voice sounded somewhat� strangled. Heero frowned, remembering that he hadn't told the man about his relationship with Relena. Duo probably had a right to be a little pissed that Heero hadn't trusted him.

What he saw when he glanced over at his partner was utter betrayal. "Miss Relena?" Duo croaked out in a hoarse voice that didn't sound at all like himself.

"Yes?" Relena smiled sunnily at him, apparently not picking up the undercurrents that were now making Heero distinctly uneasy. "I don't believe we've met, but you must be Duo Maxwell. Heero's told me so much about you�"

"Obviously not everything," Duo whispered in a dry voice. He was still staring at Relena's hand resting on Heero's arm, as though it filled his whole world. As though there was nothing else for him to see.

"You two." His voice cracked, and he swallowed, one hand pulling his braid over his shoulder in an unthinking gesture Heero had rarely seen. "You're together, aren't you?"

Heero frowned, but Relena's beaming smile said it all. "I'm sorry for not telling you sooner," Heero managed awkwardly after a few seconds of distinctly uncomfortable silence.

Duo laughed with absolutely no humour. "You're sorry � for not telling me?" His eyes were wide and almost disbelieving; he looked like he was hoping he was about to wake up.

"There just never seemed to be the time," Heero murmured apologetically, trying to pacify his partner.

"Right." Duo laughed again, dangerously. Heero bit his lip, instinctively trying to shift himself in front of his girlfriend, who was looking from him to his partner in confusion. "Last night � every night for the past six fucking years, and you never thought to mention the fact that you were in love with the Queen of the fucking World all along? Thanks, Heero." Folding his arms across his chest, he swivelled his desk chair so that he was facing the windows, only the top of his head visible.

Heero and Relena exchanged confused looks. "Queen of the World?" she mouthed soundlessly; Heero shrugged helplessly.

"Um, Mr Maxwell, I don't know what I've done to upset you, but I'm going to go and wait in the car, all right? Heero, don't forget we have a dinner appointment." The words were delivered in a much snippier tone than usual, and Heero winced as Relena turned around and marched out of the door. He'd be spending weeks making this up to her�

"Thanks, Duo," he muttered to himself, but unfortunately his partner had damn good hearing.

"Oh, have I upset your perfect little world, Yuy?" Duo demanded, whirling his chair back around. To Heero's shock, his eyes were red-rimmed. "The Perfect Soldier and his perfect princess, never mind that he's screwing his best friend on the side!"

Heero blinked, trying to fit those words into his mind so that they made sense. Failing spectacularly. "Duo, I have no idea what you're talking about�"

"Us, you idiot!" Duo practically yelled, banging a fist on the desk so that the equipment rattled. "Except of course there is no 'us,' is there?" He deflated, looking away and sighing. "To be honest, I kinda knew you didn't care about me that way, but that doesn't make you any less of a bastard, you know?"

Heero took a deep breath, suppressed the urge to punch some sense into his frie � his partner � and sat down at his own desk. "Maxwell, I don't have the first clue what you're on about. Why don't you tell me what I'm supposed to have done?"

Duo's eyes, when they met his, were cold enough to make him shiver. "Do I have to spell it out for you? It is unfair of you to be seeing Relena and sleeping with me at the same time, Yuy. I realise J never taught you much about being human, but I'd have thought that much was obvious."

"Sleeping� with� you?" Heero was suddenly very, very glad that Relena had already walked out.

"Yeah, you know? That thing we do every night?" Duo was fiddling with his braid again, but Heero didn't, couldn't, pay attention. He was still trying to absorb the information Duo's spat at him. He had to clear his throat before he could speak; a part of him was muttering uncomfortably that he was straight, damn it�

"Since when� do you think we are sleeping together?"

"Since the war." Duo was staring at him, helpless desperation in his eyes. "You gonna tell me you forgot that now too?"

What war?! He couldn't say it, though; there was just something in Duo's eyes that choked the words to ashes on his tongue. What is this? Is he sicker than we thought? Heartbreak was obvious on his partner's face, and Heero realised with a sinking, sickening feeling that whatever the truth of the matter, Duo really did love him.

They were still staring at each other when a throat was cleared from the doorway, startling Heero almost out of his skin.

"Agent Maxwell?" Heero didn't recognise the woman, but she was wearing a Medical Section uniform, and carrying a file folder. "I hope I'm not interrupting anything. We have your test results back; would you like to go somewhere private to discuss them?"

***

Not real. It's not real. He repeats the words to himself like a mantra, huddled in the sterile-smelling hospital bed, under the thin hospital blanket. It's not real. There never was a war, there never was an OZ coup. None of it is real, not Solo or Sister Helen, not his Deathscythe, not Heero. Not Heero.

Not real. He whispers the words again, clutching his braid to himself. They have given him medication; he can feel the edges of the drugs brushing against his memories. What he thinks of as himself. It's all come tumbling down, now; everything that he has ever believed. Delusional, the woman had said to Heero, and paranoid when Duo had tried to clutch at his partner, to make solid reality out of a love he knew had never existed.

Heero doesn't love him. Heero has never loved him. The Heero who comes in the night isn't even real, just a product of a sick mind. And now Duo sees the cracks, the holes that he has always ignored because he likes the fantasy. Better than reality.

The world drifts around him, hospital whiteness beginning to blur with tears and exhaustion. It's not real�

Everything he ever had is gone. Tomorrow his mother is coming to visit him. Duo always thought that he wanted a mother, but now he finds that all he really wants is Heero. He wants Heero not to look at him like that. He wants Heero not to pull away from his touch.

He wants to be held.

It has never been real. He murmurs the words again, trying to hold off the drowsiness lent by the drugs. No war. No Gundams. No Deathscythe. No Heero�

This is beyond pain.

Not Heero�

Not real�

Halfway between sleep and waking, the touch of hands on his skin is not a surprise. It takes a while for the realities to intersect, for the knowledge to sink in.

Not real!

He struggles, eyes wide in darkness, taking in nothing more than the shape of Heero above him, not-real but so very present. Even the scent of him�

And he's strong. So strong; just as strong as the Gundam Pilot only Duo remembers him as. Muscles weakened by drugs and fatigue, in the end Duo can't fight it. He closes his eyes against helpless tears, and lets the rough-soft touch of Heero's hands take him down into unconsciousness.