This isn't actually from canon DN universe, but from the LJ RPG Camp Fuck You Die. That makes it CRACK. All you really need to know is that Near and Mello caught a genderswitch virus, and that Mello didn't deal too well with it. Much love and thanks to their players for being so unbelievably hilarious.
"Fucking OUCH." H - she grumbles and shifts on the bed, attempting to curl around her midsection. His. Her. Whatever. It's more difficult than it usually might be, since these stupid THINGS are in the way. How the Hell do women manage this crap, anyway? Much longer and the camp is going to have another psycho on its hands.
"Do hush, Mello," Near murmurs from the floor, and just. What the Hell, because how can sh... can h... can Near be so calm about this when everything is inverted and WRONG and these fucking cramps are killing him.
"How can you be so FUCK." Oh. Probably shouldn't have moved there. No, definitely. Not good at all and his insides seem determined to crush themselves.
"Cramps, Mello?" Near's doing something with that Gundam kit, snapping plastic parts off their frames like this is a perfectly normal day and neither of them have grown breasts or are bleeding from the crotch. Oh God, Mello, just try not to think about it, just get through it, it has to be over soon.
"Just a bit." Shit, the painkillers haven't done more than take the edge off. He can feel the muscles cramping and the... messiness... and it's disgusting.
"There are remedies available, you know," Near remarks like it's nothing, like the little bits of torn plastic hanging from the edge of his toy component are far more relevant and disturbing.
He grits his teeth, for another cramp and because he doesn't quite trust himself to reply to that without getting more personal than would be wise right now. And it's so stupid to wish that Near could be anything other than himself, really, but sometimes he can't help it.
Near sets the component neatly into the box and pushes it under the bunk, looking up at him without turning. "If the medication is ineffective, masturbating to orgasm may be more successful."
Everything in his head goes horribly quiet before shrieking at him. "WHAT."
Near is twirling his hair again and wearing that expression that would be a smirk on anyone else, like he's enjoying smashing Mello's brain into tiny little pieces and jumping up and down on the shards. "Evidence suggests that orgasm will result in a significant easing of muscle spasms."
What wait fuck evidence oh God mental images. No no oh God Near's a girl too did she oh God gross don't go there no. "WHAT. NEAR."
"Do calm down, Mello. It's hardly the end of the world."
Oh God female blood squishy hands touching there ugh wrong. "NO WAY IN HELL. Oh God. No. Just. Oh my God gross. Ugh. Dammit Near stop looking at me like that OW!" Oh there, pain again, and he's almost glad because it's a distraction and he can curl around it and not think about the sheer horror of what Near's fucking suggesting.
"Oh for goodness' sake, Mello. Must you turn everything into a melodrama?" Wait what Near is crawling onto the bed and that shirt is way too tight across her breasts mustn't look.
"Oh God no get away from me!" He squirms, wriggling backward but damn it there's a wall in the way and Near has hands on his shoulders. "If you try and kiss me now I'm going to fucking bite you I swear. Let GO."
"Mmhmm. Maybe not, then." Near tugs at him, and between that and the cramps resistance is futile and he's flat on his back with voices in his head shrieking about vulnerability. He feels a little � okay a lot � like shrieking himself.
"Oh God no." Don't want to think about it, don't, you're a boy Mello a boy you have a penis and you get on well with it and there are so many things wrong with this that your brain should be dribbling out of your ears.
"Hush." Near is curling up against his side, soft and heavy in all the wrong places, and he freezes helplessly despite the pain in his belly as long clever fingers slide under the waistband of his skirt. "It'll make the pain stop, I promise."
Oh God no. Wrong, this is wrong and disgusting and sick and all he can manage is a stupid pathetic moan of denial because this can't be happening and he can't think about it. He can't. He bites his lips and stares at the ceiling as though he could bore holes in it. Near's fingers feel strange and invasive and damn him for not finding this weird, damn him for going one better than Mello yet again and being able to be comfortable with this and oh holy fucking God�
He knows he's made a noise because Near smirks against his shoulder, moving his fingers and oooh. Oh. Yes. There.
"See, it's not so bad," and the bastard is laughing at him but damn he doesn't care because even with the ickiness that feels so good. Near isn't stopping and he can feel his hips twitching like they want to move and all of his nerves suddenly seem to be centred in his crotch. It's weird and different and not right at all but it feels good and he feels like he's maybe almost there and oh God Near's pressing harder, rubbing and it's slick and, and�
Oh. Oh. It's, he's, he's breaking into pieces and shaking like his whole body's fighting to be free, and he can't speak can't shout only throw his head back and ride the spasms through and damn maybe Near was lying about that end of the world thing because. Because. Ooooh.
When he can breathe again he feels limp as a used dishrag, and all he can do is stare at Near. Near who's smirking, damn him, as he withdraws his hand neatly and wipes his fingers clean on a rag.
Mmm. Mello feels like there's something he should be angry and freaked out about, but the endorphins seem to have got hold of him. He nudges Near with his shoulder, making the effort to scowl anyway. "I hate you."
"You always say that when I'm right." Near doesn't seem to be going anywhere fast, though, so it's probably all right. Damn him for being right all the time anyway, because the cramps really have gone away. Mello rolls his eyes and settles himself more comfortably against Near. So long as they get to do that again when they're both boys, he's not going to think too hard about it. Somehow he doubts Near will really object.